When You Realize You Have No Control Over Yourself

[new gamma rays]

I skipped a dose on my lamictal, the other day and this morning and that - combined with family dysfunction (my parents taking my phone first thing in the morning, leaving me high and dry and my dad in another pissed off mood) - led me to elbow a hole in a door in a burst of instanteous reaction once my parents stormed out the door. My sisters and more importantly their kids are in town and my parents spent every second today with them. I was sure they would come back at some point, because I needed to go to the store for medicine - but they just decided to blow me off - an action that happened many times in the past, over months and months when I was sick 5 years ago when I needed the smallest favor. And that really set me off, to the point where I started breaking things - not important things - and feeling so in tune with the rage that the normal part of my conscience (consciousness) that tries to at least give myself a goal to stop somewhere - that didn't even materialize I was in a destructive mood.

What do you do when you realize you lose your self control? I know some of this is trauma related, in addition to being repetitive action of hurtful family behavior - but some times I feel like this is when I want to fully snap. Take a car and jump off a building, all that suicidal ideation that I tell myself won't manifest itself completely does. I still feel hurt, I still feel the desire to enact acts or revenge. And the shitty part is that the multiple compounding ways my parents traumatized me - prevents me from having even the wisp of self control and self soothing I might have had.

How do you try to find control when you feel like you've blown past it?

 

[Friday]

I've had this sitting on my homepage to answer since you posted it. Turned it over about 40 times in my mind. The thing is? I don't know how to find control when I've blown past it. I know what I do when I lose control (hardcore isolation to protect others from myself the best way I know how), but not only is that probably not the best thing to do, I don't know how to get control back. It's one of the things I very much struggle with. It's always eventually come back... But how long? (Days, weeks, months, years) Has varied an awful lot. And I have no idea how to deliberately go about getting control back.

 

[kona355]

I shut down too, when past the point of having control. Absent another way to regain control it seems better to isolate than hurt others emotionally. I think by shutting down I may have prevented harm from my words.

I do know from a few times when I didn't shut down and instead tried to make myself understood and got that blank look, things go downhill pretty fast. So.. shutdown works till another way is discovered, and I've been through anger management as part of therapy.

Those techniques help with controlling actions, but they are for the most part preventative and don't seem to help past the point of no return, so I take a walk. Come to think of it, that's a form of isolation isn't it? Sigh...

 

[OrganicRobot]

Learning control and self-discipline takes time and experience. There is no easy way to gain control over one's self. Please do not give up because of the hard work required. It also requires a reevaluation of your beliefs, how you stress and manage your stressors. Much inward reflection and serious analysis is required to master thyself.

Take one day at a time. Situations are not end all be all. Please remember that. Please also know there is a fine line between denial and acceptance. Denial is saying, "I'm good enough already, I don't need to grow anymore. Others need to change not me." While acceptance is, "I wholeheartedly accept the current me, and this situation, the good and the bad. I will do what I can to grow and make the best out of my circumstances for the greater good of all." Also know there is no perfect resolution to any situation, but do as much as you can, with what you have and to the best of your abilities.

Best of luck.

 

[strangelings]

For me it's not that I'm not *generally* capable of self-control- in fact because of my past I had to have enormous control. For me it's like- well I never really do totally snap, thank God, because that would be- really bad. But I do to a degree.

 

[Ronin]

When I'm past it?

I isolate & engage support networks from a far.

In a distance I can't hurt them or can hurt them only in ways I can fix later.

Also regaining control by being heckuva stubborn.

Come on self(es). You've done this before with objectively worse situations. Stop being a pussy and wallowing in that loss just because you can. Leave that to people you despise and get your shit goddamn together.

There, there. No cookie for you asshole, but thanks for living through it without more damage. - kind of self talk.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I mainly lose self control completely when dissociated, switching to an alter, which can be violent, or extremely emotional.

The thing that makes most sense to me is to work on getting into those situations less. I am often angry at the other alters, they get me into trouble.

I guess, finding calming stuff that will seriously distract you from the thing you are doing while out of control?

 

[Renestel]

I fully agree with almost all of these replies. So in attempt to not be repetitive, I will say my worst: oh my. I turn into a female hulk. I throw things, I've thrown a person, broken phones, I've broken a flat screen TV, I could go on. But in my process of therapy, of trying to get a hold of this unbelievable rage that comes from so many people I've trusted and allowed to get close to me, family or intimate relationships, that have stabbed me emotionally, I have had to take a step back and say what is this fixing. It still happens when big life triggers happen, when people day to day treat me like crap I start turning green hulk again. But I have to pick my battles. I have to learn, evolve, and become better through all this. Medititation is something I turn to the day after a huge rage, and fitness and hardcore workouts, MMA, whatever level you have to find, you know when your level is hitting a 6 or 7, IF you can catch it before you go off the handle, do it. I even will run bare foot around my neighborhood in the summer right when I get triggered. It saved me from so many fights with my husband. I've come home and my feet would be bleeding. Whether glass, or just the need to run on road to get it out in a better way than breaking something or hurting family. The ONE thing I can give you that truly helps me right now, and it could totally be a hit or miss--(Im an ex chef and have a VERY sensitive nose) so I found some essential oils that help...some help me sleep better in the humidifier, and there's one that from day one that I smelled it, it was a comfort smell. So I concentrated on that, and just like trauma smells can turn you into a spiral, good smells can bring you out of one. But it has to be something you set out specifically, and practice. Like an alarm clock sound. Try picking an extremely pleasant smell to you or it could even be a stuffed animal to touch , whatever, but for me, smell is so strong for me, I can be losing my crap, and I can go grab this young living sacred frankincense stuff and while I still need to remove myself from people, it will bring me down from an 8 to a 3. It smells like trees, like earth and plants. But that's why it works for me. Nature is the only thing I fully give my trust to anymore in life now. So find what smell you trust and try it. Once you're raging, you're raging, but try to listen to your body because it will tell you before it goes off the cliff if you listen in most situations. :troll:

 

[Stickler]

The traditional going for a walk?
Or a stomp that turns into walking...
Forcibly exhaling...like blowing the breath out, steam engine style, through your gritted teeth or pursed lips... While growling or going guuuurhhh...wrinkling your face into an exaggerated grimace...

I find that works pretty well. And lets everyone see how you feel.

Renestel has a good idea. Funny, for me it's vanilla incense or a scented candle, coffee brewing, curry powders currying away in my slow cooker, gingerbread, books...

Not exploding takes practice.

...Noting that skipping doses of Lamictal can have particularly bad side effects, like lowered seizure threshold, please be careful about that...nagnagnag.