Relationship How do you realize you hurt your guys feelings?

[anonymous]

I appreciate your concern @BlueOrange. I am still in the relationship. The behaviour continues. He is a combat veteran and dissociates when triggered. It is very hard to deal with. I do not want to leave him, but the potential for me to get hurt - perhaps seriously - is there.

 

[BlueOrange]

I appreciate your concern @BlueOrange. I am still in the relationship. The behav...

You seem very level-headed in the way that you're talking about it. With the extremely limited information that I have, your reply doesn't feel like good news. It sounds like you're in a very bad situation. If you've made a choice to stay, then I'm uncomfortable, but it's your life and you are the one who makes the choices.

If you don't feel that you've made a choice to stay, then I would strongly encourage you to make use of the things that might help you make choices. Therapists, lawyers, police officers, social workers... these can all be helpful in terms of helping you identify your options.

Be safe.

 

[dulcia]

"OK, you say you're not upset. But before I said anything, you were quietly reading the newspaper. Now, you're holding me against the wall and holding a knife to my throat. So it seems to me that something has changed. Please help me understand what's happening here."

Make it about the undeniable facts, and your own legitimate needs.

Unfortunately, undeniable facts are a moot point when it comes to my vet. In fact, if I say I feel he is being mean or unfair or saying personal things about me that are unrelated to the conversation, his response is always "I'm just stating facts". I've found the less words, the better.

You're a child that doesn't understand the world and lives in your own little bubble
- I don't agree with that.

I can't do this anymore, you don't get me and will never understand what I've been through
- You're right, I can't understand.

You think your sister is happy? Her marriage is a joke and she is miserable just like you will be
- I don't agree with that.

I feel like in the moment, he can't understand what's happening, so he is not going to be able to explain it to me.

 

[dulcia]

Short, to the point responses seem to give him less argument ammo.

 

[BlueOrange]

"You're being mean" isn't an undeniable fact, though, it's an interpretation. "You said that I'm a child" is an undeniable fact (in your examples above).

He's not stating facts, he's stating interpretations/opinions. Quite hurtful ones.

Your responses seem appropriate- it's impossible for him to deny that you disagree: your disagreement is a fact.

And you're right, in the moment, he doesn't understand, and will have difficulty explaining.

My impression is that maybe you're looking for words like: "When you call me a child, I feel hurt. Normally, you don't hurt me. What's changed?"

 

[BlueOrange]

Please note that if you try that format & question, you're probably going to get a justification of the hurtful statement (as you know, he thinks he's 'just telling the truth'). The trick is to be able to keep asking questions at the six-year-old level in a very patient and calm tone until he is able to see things differently. It's a difficult trick, and it's not necessarily something I'd recommend that you do. But it's a candidate answer to the original question.

 

[dulcia]

Please note that if you try that format & question, you're probably going to get a justification of the hurtful statement (as you know, he thinks he's 'just telling the truth'). The trick is to be able to keep asking questions at the six-year-old level in a very patient and calm tone until he is able to see things differently. It's a difficult trick, and it's not necessarily something I'd recommend that you do. But it's a candidate answer to the original question.

Ah okay, I see your point then.

 

[dulcia]

"When you call me a child, I feel hurt. Normally, you don't hurt me. What's changed?"

That might be too difficult of a trick for me lol. I have a hard enough time not taking things personally that I think my feelings would get too hurt too quickly with his "mean" answers before we would get to a point where he was able to see things any differently. (In my own situation, at least.)

 

[BlueOrange]

I respect people who can recognize their emotional limits. As a sufferer, that's something I find difficult to do.