Relationship How do you realize you hurt your guys feelings?

[Never_falter2]

Reading your answers on the other thread made me realize that I might have hurt my guys feelings... but how can I know when he is so hard to read? How fo you know when you said something hurtful?

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Usually if there's something that makes me question myself, that's all the indication I need to realize I must have crossed some subconscious line and should probably check myself.

I don't typically go around thinking I've hurt someone feelings, so when that comes on the radar, I know it's time to look more closely at myself and how I'm communicating, my tone, my choice of words, my body language, my actions towards that individual, the happenings that prompted my hurt, the root of pain, etc.

What is it inside of me that hurts enough to recognize I may have been actively projecting that hurt to another?

How can I more healthily figure it out and work through it while successfully communicating what's in my heart?

My head tends to get in the way with it's never ending tornadic thoughts, and my mouth filter tends to be out of order when my adrenaline gets to pumping in the moment of strong emotions, so I have to mindfully find my way back to my heart.

I no longer depend on reading others as much as I depend on my delivery, regardless of who the other is, if that makes sense.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I can never tell what is going to hurt my vet's feelings. He can find an insult in anything when he's not feeling well. So sometimes it doesn't matter what I say or do, his feelings are going to be hurt.

As far as what I do, I avoid criticism and nagging. Nothing good ever comes from it.

 

[Sighs]

I try to remember that my vet hates himself already and try not to say anything that adds to that. Unfortunately my emotions sometimes get in the way of my good intentions.

 

[Never_falter2]

That's also true in my case. The emotions getting in the way of the good intentions... and when I just hurt his feelings he does not show. When I want to discuss it, he just goes "Nevermind. That did not hurt my feelings at all". What am I supposed to do?

 

[Sighs]

I would still apologise. If he shrugs it off, well he shrugs it off but you know you have made the effort to apologise. Once you have, I would then drop it. My vet gets cranky if I go over and over things.

 

[dulcia]

I can tell when I hurt my vets feelings when he lashes out at me using personal insults. I sometimes can't figure out what's happened until after the fact, when I've had time to process it.

 

[BlueOrange]

That's also true in my case. The emotions getting in the way of the good intentions... and when I...

Don't believe the content of the words; however much he may believe what he's saying, if he's diagnosed with PTSD, then he's out of touch with himself.

Don't fight him about it either! Attempts at mind-reading tend to be infuriating.

Do talk about your own feelings. "I'm unhappy that I said that, and want to apologize" isn't disagreeing with him, it's a statement about your own self that can't be argued with.

Do get on with your life / whatever needs doing.

 

[dulcia]

Don't believe the content of the words

This is something I struggle with so hard two years into it.

My most productive new thing to say is "I don't agree with that". I'm not okay with what you're saying about me and I know it's not true, but I know if I say anything more it gives you something to argue against.

 

[BlueOrange]

If you need to disagree, then talk about the need that motivates the disagreement.

"OK, you say you're not upset. But before I said anything, you were quietly reading the newspaper. Now, you're holding me against the wall and holding a knife to my throat. So it seems to me that something has changed. Please help me understand what's happening here."

Make it about the undeniable facts, and your own legitimate needs.

 

[anonymous]

you're holding me against the wall and holding a knife to my throat

What is happening here is domestic violence and your life is in danger. Do not try to understand. Get out and never ever go back.

@BlueOrange - I assume you meant this as an exaggeration for effect. I'm only responding because I know how easy it is for us to normalise our veteran's outbursts. It is normal in my relationship for objects to get broken and for threats of physical violence to be made against me. I have had heavy objects slammed into the wall near my head. I have had objects raised as if to hit me across the face. I have had items thrown at me resulting in bruises. I have not (yet) had a knife held to my throat but it is not many steps away from what I have experienced.

 

[BlueOrange]

Yes, I was exaggerating for (intended comic) effect.

You're right, it was a poorly considered example, and your response is absolutely right, in that scenario, you don't try to understand, you get safe, you get out, and you get the protection of the law. I hope that you are safe now, and that the unacceptable behaviour you describe is not happening anywhere near you.