Relationship When You Tell Someone You Want To Die

[Glara]

When you tell someone you want to die, what do you want them to do? I tried to be so supportive but I'm not a counselor. I was romantically involved with him. He shut me out after he told me. What should I have done? What did he want me to do? I'm assuming he's still alive, he was checking in every few weeks but now it's longer. I don't know if he's ok, maybe he's back in the hospital. I don't know. It's too much to tell me that and then run away. Wtf do I do? Wtf...

 

[Chava]

Personally, I'd just appreciate, "I'm here for you" or "let me know if there is anything I can do to help"....that would be more than enough. I shut people out and don't expect anyone to help me, or even care. But this would mean a lot, even if I didn't accept the offer...just knowing someone is there to listen.

When I say "I want to die" I'm in a horrible rotten spot, but for me it is not the same as "I want to kill myself." For me "I want to die" is being really sick of my life and maybe not motivated to take care of myself...extremely exhausted, but it is quite different from "I want to kill myself" (more active, not passive). So it's not suicidal but it is pretty hopeless. But I'm not at all saying that's how it is for others.

 

[Glara]

@Chava he's suicidal. He had a plan. He texted the night he was going to do it, but didnt me what he was planning. It was a Sat, I was at a party. I didnt hear from him again until Tues while I was at work. He told what he went to do that night and what stopped him. Later I asked he wanted me to come to him, it was almost his birthday and his sister canceled on him. He said no, but I did go a few weeks later. He's long distance. A few months later he was hospitalized but signed himself out. Then dumped me, but still checked in every week or so to say he was alive. After he told me he never promised or insinuated anything (not true) I stopped checking in. I told him how I felt about him but that it was up to him what to do. A few months later he said he wanted to see me but then went silent. I have to let him go, because of what he said. But I guess I just can't understand why he would tell me these kind of things and then push away as hard as he could. I'm such a mess now.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

@Glara when is the last time you heard from him? Didn't you have access to his Facebook? Just because you haven't heard from him doesn't mean he's done something awful. I know your mind is running rapid. Just breathe though....I know that is easier said than done.

 

[Glara]

@Thunderstorm I unfriended him on Facebook. He posted a picture of a woman and I got upset because we hadn't spoken on the phone in a few months. He freaked out when I got upset and called me. He said she was a friend he grew up with. Which I fine, I have guy friends on Facebook that I grew up with. But he wasnt calling me and I want posting pics of them. He also posted on Facebook that he was going on vacation when he was really going in the hospital. It was too hard for me to see him acting ok on Facebook and shutting me out or telling me his suicide plans. I explained to him why I did it. I haven't heard from him now in about 3and half weeks. And it was 3 weeks before that that he said he wanted to see me and he dreamt about me.

It's gotten to be really unhealthy for me and I know it's time to let it go. I'm such a mess right now. I won't initiate contact but I still can't ignore him if he contacts me. I don't know how to cope with the suicide stuff. It scares me because of his gun collection. One of his sisters posted on commented made about his guns and he deleted it. She was obviously worried too. But he told me he never wanted a relationship, so I have no choice but to take it at face value. But why tell me all that stuff then? I feel so sick

 

[Friday]

I don't generally tell people, unless they go there themselves, because people overreact. Living in the dark is a pretty normal thing for me. It's something I've done for a very, very long time. I spent 5 years trying my damnedest to die. Still here. I'm fleetingly suicidal, when I'm not doing well, several times a day. Not ideation, but actually suicidal. Ideation is far more frequent. Even when I'm doing well, I can have whole days where for no reason whatsoever I despise myself and want to die. More than 15 years later? I'm still here. Death & I are old friends. Old enemies. It's part of why, when I don't want to die I revel on life so hard.

The people who I do tell? Are comfortable with it. They'd kick my ass if I needed it, laugh at me, enjoy life with me. They know the dark. They know it's not their fault, and that I know that, too. Not saying they wouldn't be affected if I did die, and I would be towering rage if they did, but we're used to this place. It's not something to get all excited about. It just is what it is. And everything is temporary.

 

[scout86]

Wtf do I do?

Now? You take a deep breath and relax. This is NOT your responsibility. I understand feeling responsible. I understand wanting to help. I'm not saying that it's wrong to feel that way. I'm saying there are many things in this world that are beyond our individual control and this is one of them.

The only way to know what he wanted you to do would be to ask him.

Personally, if I'm thinking about killing myself, I don't tell anyone. Because I'm seriously thinking about killing myself and don't want to risk anyone interfering with that. I'm not looking for a way out, I'm looking for enough guts (or what ever) to do the deed. I suspect people talk about it, or tell people about it, for a lot of reasons. Mostly, maybe, because they're looking for a reason NOT to and are hoping to find one in another person. But it's a complicated thing and you, and everyone else, can't be expected to get it absolutely right each and every time. The decision it the responsibility of the person contemplating the act. If he actually WANTS you to beat yourself up and agonize over this, there's more wrong with him than PTSD. All this stuff is HIS stuff. You did the best you knew how to do. That's all anyone can do. It's enough, regardless of what happened.

So, what about you? Have you ever wanted to die? If not, can you imagine that? What would YOU want, if you told someone you wanted to die?

 

[Glara]

Yes @scout86 I've wanted to die. And what I want is people to be there for me. I don't know why I would tell someone and then push them away. I am hurt by it but also angry. But I don't believe it would be right for me to let him know I'm angry.

 

[Friday]

I've wanted to die. And what I want is people to be there for me.

Aha! Okay. Things suddenly make sense. It can be really freaking hard when we know exactly what we want to grok that people are different. Especially on a knee-jerk emotional level. I think you've been kind of moving towards that (hence this post), but it's baseline.

What you want, and what he wants are different.

What you need, and what he needs are different.

Now? You take a deep breath and relax. This is NOT your responsibility. I understand feeling responsible. I understand wanting to help. I'm not saying that it's wrong to feel that way. I'm saying there are many things in this world that are beyond our individual control and this is one of them.

This.

I am hurt by it but also angry. But I don't believe it would be right for me to let him know I'm angry.

I agree. If he kept telling you when he was suicidal after seeing how badly you reacted the first time, and how long it's taken you to recover from? Then it would be different. But after seeing how hard it hit you, he pulled back, and didn't keep hitting you with something you can't handle. That's a kindness.

 

[Chava]

Okay...I might not have an answer, I know it's complicated. I left a good friend who was dragging me around as his life preserver. I just LEFT and ended all contact. He did go to the hospital, which is where he needed to be. Not my fault. With another friend who was far way and in a very bad spot I listened a bit over phone then asked if she had help close by, AND if she would go to the hospital if she couldn't handle it. I told her I'd drive her myself if I was right there...but from my distance wanted to know that this is what I wanted for her, and to know she had that in mind as an option if needed. If someone is making suicide plans, I point them to crisis help but am willing to listen (though not with the first friend I mentioned here...I needed to save myself and he needed help away from me).

 

[Glara]

No @FridayJones i didn't react like this to him. I was just very supportive. Of course I let him know I was upset and worried. But he had no idea how bad I am now.

It's not so much that I fear the worst, I do to a certain extent, but it's not that. I'm upset that he told me something that would worry any caring person and then cut me out.
How can I explain? I felt he was trusting me, and opening up to me. This all took place from Oct to March. Now he doesn't contact me. Now I'm dead to him. Yes, I worry about the worst, or that he's back in the hospital (but that would be good). I'm angry because he laid all that on me and left me. It's like a train wreck!

I feel used. I feel like he took advantage of me for support and to make himself feel better. He dumped this heavy shit on me and disappeared. That's why I'm angry. How could he just disappear? How do you tell someone something like that, allow them to worry and then just cut them out?

 

[joeylittle]

I feel used. I feel like he took advantage of me for support and to make himself feel better. He dumped this heavy shit on me and disappeared. That's why I'm angry. How could he just disappear? How do you tell someone something like that, allow them to worry and then just cut them out?

Because when you are in that pit, it takes all your energy just to try and manage yourself. It's a big reason why people don't talk to those close to them about the dark, as @FridayJones beautifully put it. Because then you have to take care of that person as well as yourself.

He made a mistake. He was not in a position to mend the bridge, so (to the irrational mind) the only option is to burn the bridge.

That's how.

I think it's important that you let yourself feel your anger, and sadness, and confusion over this relationship. Your feelings are what matter now, not his motivations (if that makes sense). He's done a wrong thing, though it's hard to know if he could have done much better under the circumstances. Still - that doesn't mean that you have to be OK with it. And if what you want to do is write him, say your piece, if you need closure, I think it would be good for you to get what you need.