Relationship When You Tell Someone You Want To Die

[scout86]

so (to the irrational mind) the only option is to burn the bridge.

While I have done that, probably WAY more than I remember, I've never seen it so clearly stated. @joeylittle , with your permission, I think that's another quote for the refrigerator. (And it just dawned on me that that way of looking at things is related to why it's sometimes so hard for me to get myself to return phone calls. I'm afraid I can't give them what they want, so I "decide" to ignore them till they go away."

 

[falling_wave]

I think that if someone tells you they want to die in person and you are someone they care about, they need help. You can assess if they have a plan and intent. If they don't and they just want to convey how much they are struggling then tell them they need to say that not they want to die. You can be there for them and support them through the incredibly overwhelming feelings. If they are real about actually wanting to die they need hospitalization to stabalize. You can be supportive and help them with that. I think though that you need to be consistent with how you react to that though because if it is just a way to convey extreme struggle they need to know that's not a good way to get the support and attention. You can make a phrase or whatever that they know will convey it. Maybe something like it's so hard to live life right now but there is a difference.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's not so much that I fear the worst, I do to a certain extent, but it's not that. I'm upset that he told me something that would worry any caring person and then cut me out.

Perhaps he's not accustomed to the response of a caring person @Glara ? My expectation would be the reverse, the one revealing it would be the one expecting to be cut out.

I saw something today, the comment that 'unbearable mental suffering is hard to define". It made me sad. I think (know) it is quite easy to define it if one deals with it long enough, or shares the details not seen (but we don't, we don't have the energy nor desire). But for those who don't think of that I think it's quite unfathomable to them (thankfully). It is relative I guess, but also buffered sometimes by familial support, success vocationally, the reasons to live- often for family; dreams & goals, inclusion in those areas, a sense of pride & fulfillment. Unlike say a person suffering from eg a terminal illness, people fear SI & often view it as someone's 'choice' (in their mind), & view it as an act of cowardice; reflective of moral turpitude, insane- a thought that would never occur to a 'normal person', a fault inherent to the individual, not a factor of their internal & external environments. One doesn't expect (true) understanding or lack of judgment from anyone, really, because 'we' know all that. Probably due to self-blame & shame also. Let alone mood disorders, insomnia (that's a really bad one), anniversaries & triggers, losses, survivor's guilt, even losing the freedom to live with the lack of pain, or not questioning the dignity they live with every day which a suffering person loses.

With ptsd so much if not all of the above is stripped. Because we know the details we live with each day, we know it's "our" problem, that we will fix or lose out to it. We know the truth of the matter & what causes it because the suffering goes very deep. So he must have trusted you immensely to have acted on impulse to come to you & not follow through. You did what you could, & that was plenty, obviously. Life is made of moments.. Most would never 'get beside anyone in the trenches' so to speak. Lots of times there may be some will to live left but no purpose, or purpose but no strength. You tried to provide both. And- it was enough. If everyone did a fraction of that more people could persevere, & for longer I think. No matter what, good came out of it.

:hug:

 

[Glara]

It's probably what @joeylittle and @scout86 said. I ask why, what his motivation was because I'm hurt and I don't understand. I'm just trying to make sense of it. In past breakups, the reasons were usually pretty clear cut, even if I didnt like them, I understood them. This is just beyond what I'm used to. Much as I know in my head it's time to let go it's really hard in my heart to do that.

 

[Kefira]

I don't know about anybody else, but if I'm going to open up to someone, especially in that sort of crisis space, it's going to be someone who can't do anything to meddle or to irritate me. That can be because of anonymity/distance/other reasons that I know I'm "safe" from that person interfering or becoming too invested or trying too hard. Or it can be because I'm going to immediately distance from that person. But you either get to be physically close and not know what's going on with me emotionally because I'm hiding it well, or you get to be at a distance. It takes a special person to manage to circumvent me pushing them away once I let them in when things are that bad, and even then there's the risk that that will be seen as being overbearing on their part and lead to even more of a total disconnect from that relationship on my end.

 

[technigirl]

@Glara, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I totally understand that feeling of being used and then cut off. My situation isn't exactly the same, as the person I was supporting was a close friend and not someone I was dating, but I was cut off by my friend as well after showing caring toward what he was going through. I have to think that if your sufferer told you such a dark thing and then just cut you off, he must have trusted you deeply. He may have been reaching out for help on some level, but then freaked out and pulled back. One theme I have noticed is that PTSD sufferers seem to act the most cold toward the ones who are closest to them - the ones that care the most. It's as if they need someone to care, but at the same time, they can't handle it.

OK I realize this is kind of a geeky analogy, but sometimes I feel that as supporters, we are bit like Icarus. We have to fly exactly right and in a very narrow space, we can't fly too low or too high. If we fly too close to the sun, our wings will melt. I think in both our cases, we flew too close to the sun, our wings got melted off and we crashed to the ground.

I agree with Junebug that he may not be used to the response of a caring person. I hope you get some answers from him, but you may not, and may need to find a way to deal with it on your own. I'm in that same boat. I also wanted to mention another web site that I've used, it's called Better Help. It's e-counseling and I found it really helpful. It's not free, but way cheaper than going to someone in person. You might want to give it a try if you're looking for counseling but (like me) can't afford to spend $120 an hour.