When you turn your home into a refuge/ base/ sanctuary/ fortress

[Ecdysis]

So, ever since childhood I've had a habit of "being functional" (at school, for example) and then coming home to my bedroom and slumping there... exhausted from functioning and pretending things were fine.

Even now, 35 years later, this pattern continues. I'm currently shifting rooms and furniture around and am thinking that really, I don't need a living room with a lounge because I don't want any other humans in my safe-space. I hate having visitors.

It seems kind of daft/ extreme to me... but that's really how my subconscious views my home - it's my sanctuary and refuge from "the world". It's my safe space where I can collapse and stop "functioning".

I feel like it "shouldn't" be like that. Should I accept it and embrace it or should I work on changing it?

 

[Friday]

I embraced it. And loooooove / adore every place I’ve lived that I get to design “my” way. Including spaces that involve other people, like married/kids, which makes it more challenging. Still fun, but with certain prerequisites I need to Tetris in.

 

[SophieBernstein]

So, ever since childhood I've had a habit of "being functional" (at school, for example) and then coming home to my bedroom and slumping there... exhausted from functioning and pretending things were fine.

Even now, 35 years later, this pattern continues. I'm currently shifting rooms and furniture around and am thinking that really, I don't need a living room with a lounge because I don't want any other humans in my safe-space. I hate having visitors.

It seems kind of daft/ extreme to me... but that's really how my subconscious views my home - it's my sanctuary and refuge from "the world". It's my safe space where I can collapse and stop "functioning".

I feel like it "shouldn't" be like that. Should I accept it and embrace it or should I work on changing it?

As far as i concerned, there is nothing wrong with it. It's your home you can do whatever you want in. If you get anxious thinking about visitors maybe you should talk to someone but If that only annoyed you, it's a normal thing

 

[No More]

I try and look at it as it’s predominantly me living there, so what I do with it to suit me best is my business.

If you don’t live alone, obviously partner/kids preferences come into it, but you should be able to still build your own space or your own corner

 

[Doug M.]

So, ever since childhood I've had a habit of "being functional" (at school, for example) and then coming home to my bedroom and slumping there... exhausted from functioning and pretending things were fine.

Even now, 35 years later, this pattern continues. I'm currently shifting rooms and furniture around and am thinking that really, I don't need a living room with a lounge because I don't want any other humans in my safe-space. I hate having visitors.

It seems kind of daft/ extreme to me... but that's really how my subconscious views my home - it's my sanctuary and refuge from "the world". It's my safe space where I can collapse and stop "functioning".

I feel like it "shouldn't" be like that. Should I accept it and embrace it or should I work on changing it?

Ecdysis, I 100% get it, and can attest that I experience and feel just the same about my home, my refuge, and safe place. We hear that we need to get out of our comfort zones, and interact more with those in our communities, told to avoid the "God-forbidden" isolation we're so comfortable with. I believe the constant caution surrounding isolation, the urging to avoid it at all cost, from those who mean well, subconsciously causes us to feel guilty anytime we find ourselves enjoying our homes/safe spaces too much. I don't believe there is one thing wrong with your perspective on this topic, and yes, please, just embrace it.

 

[Bobbyrobbydo]

I completely and wholeheartedly agree with your view of our safe space/home, and would continue as you always have. Those who are knowledgeable in trauma informed care and the people in our therapeutic networks are always verbalizing the need to avoid isolation and the dangers associated with it. I honestly believe the constant negativity surrounding isolation indirectly creates subconscious guilt any time we find ourselves enjoying our safe places/homes too much. We can get so consumed with avoiding isolation, we start questioning ourselves any time we think we are enjoying those spaces too much. Thank God for my safe space, which I try to enjoy as much as possible whenever I'm there. Thank you for sharing your thoughts to the forum.

 

[Sideways]

it's my sanctuary and refuge from "the world".

That’s exactly what my private space is for me. That’s not about isolation, it’s about self care.

Time alone somewhere comfortable relaxing and recharge as something to avoid? Pfft! Scroll past that idea!

 

[Tinyflame]

Absolutely do what you please. It's your space and unique to your personality and needs. Put things you love. We started doing it about 20 years ago, and just said the other day we haven't regretted it once. If you are worried about visitors, you need visitors who know and love you better. I think you will feel 1000x better. Do what works for your life and makes it easier and happier!

 

[Ecdysis]

I had this discussion with T at my last appt again... We talked about having visitors to my home and I was saying I never feel comfortable with it. Sometimes I'll make the choice to invite someone anyway, cos can't always do what is most PTSD compatible.

But if PTSD had its way, then I'd only meet up with people "wherever else" that's not my home.

I can't work out whether that's "fine" and simply my choice, and I've got reasons (like my space and boundaries not being respected in childhood so now I'm overdoing it later in life)... or whether it's somehow "unhealthy" and I "should" make choices that go against that instinct.

 

[OceanSpray]

I feel like that’s mostly fair given your space is your sanctuary. But I’m curious why it’s weighing on your mind so much? Are you looking to have more people over? How has it gone before when you’ve had people over?

I am definitely not one to be crazy about random people coming in and out. But I think there’s a lot of social and relational value in having a close friend come stay for a week or so. But it’s not something anyone needs to force to happen. Anyone who comes uninvited can always just stay in a hotel close by.

 

[Friday]

I can't work out whether that's "fine" and simply my choice, and I've got reasons (like my space and boundaries not being respected in childhood so now I'm overdoing it later in life)... or whether it's somehow "unhealthy" and I "should" make choices that go against that instinct.

Once you can? You’ll be fine inviting others to your sanctuary.

As you can’t? FFS, meet then elsewhere.

Your home is YOUR home.

Your home is not a public house. It’s YOUR house.

Spoken by someone who, for over a decade, had weekly potlucks/open-houses, any & all welcome. Because it was MINE. And I’d settled/sorted all of those questions and uncertainties. And was completely secure. When I’m not? When I have questions? I. Do. Not. Have. open doors.

 

[whiteraven]

I could have written this. I hate having guests, I hate it when a neighbor just drops by, and I can't wait to get home once I'm out. I have felt super guilty about this for a long time--because everyone has said I "should" be more social, "should" go out more, etc.

I finally came to the understanding that, if I am unhappy with all the shoulds people have been imposing on me, I can change that by not listening to them. Every should is an opinion anyway--what makes mine any less valuable?

I can't work out whether that's "fine" and simply my choice, and I've got reasons (like my space and boundaries not being respected in childhood so now I'm overdoing it later in life)... or whether it's somehow "unhealthy" and I "should" make choices that go against that instinct.

I tried for decades to do what other people thought I "should" do, and it NEVER made me any happier; it only made things worse. IMO, do what feels right!