@Recovery4Me - I am honored to pray for others, so you are most welcome for the prayers. I feel extremely blessed to even know the Lord at this stage in the game after that I have been and am still walking/working through, much less to have a relationship with Him. That I can take His love and share it with others is, indeed, a blessing for which I am eternally grateful.
Sorry for the abbreviations - POA stands for Power of Attorney and, in this case, I am my mother's legal, financial and healthcare POA, and her Trustee when we get to that point. It means I make all decisions regarding her welfare on every level - rather like having a sick child, I imagine, but with a boatload of financials thrown into the mix. My mom has Alzheimer's Disease and cannot make these decisions. The 24-7 is only an indicator that this is a round-the-clock job, and it is. I just got a call from the memory care unit where she resides indicating that she'd fallen backward on the tile in her bathroom and hit her head, and been sent to the hospital. She's okay as far as I know, but I will need to s/w her MD on Monday when we discuss medication changes that we've been working on so that Mother has a better quality of life than what's she's got right now - very sedated. The situation will only continue to spiral and my involvement will increase, I'm sure.
There will not be true peace, in the physical world, until she's been buried. Not to sound crass, but that's just how it's going to be - "it is what it is" - a very daunting and emotionally devastating process for both of us. I often wonder if she is inside of her mind on some level watching her life play out. It breaks my heart to even consider this. I would not wish this on anyone, not even her, not even any of the other people who have harmed me or even my sister whose actions/words have only served to complicate an already complicated situation - endangering both me and my mother. At this point, I don't think I'll be able to go to the funeral as all I will be is a target for her and the others. I will go to my mother's grave, alone, after the funeral that I will plan.
It's been a long, complicated, and overwhelming journey thus far that has resulted in getting Mother secured on all levels, for the most part, while my mind, emotions, spirit, and body being have been shredded. I am very different from who I was before embarking upon this mission as her care taker, although I did a fare bit of this while she was drunk or in a dark place when she was in her right mind. This has been and is beyond overwhelming. I'm uncomfortable and feel a bit disconnected. I yearn for emotional detachment, but it is elusive.
All this to say, your assessment was very apt and on point, and I appreciate that you understand where I'm coming from, and that you understand the resulting internal dialogue and conflict that exist and wreck havoc on my life. I see it in what you're written throughout the thread and I pray the same prayer of internal peace for you that I did before, and hope you find freedom in this regard.
I hope it was okay that I put a little essay out here. I believe there are posts on the Forum where I've been in various stages of despair, resentment, trauma, etc.. that might provide more detail as I remember writing when I was still in the throws of trying to turn myself around after the heavy lifting that took place in 2014 and dealing with raw emotional responses to what I'd walked/crawled through. This is where I'm at now, though. The lifting is still taking place and much is left to do/be done, but I think I'm just too exhausted and beaten down out at this point, and too afraid for my own wellbeing so the stress and damage caused by being in this role is just being thrown on the stack with the rest of the trauma to fester. Often, it is my tears that save me in a moment when I can't take it anymore. They take me straight to my Father in Heaven for comforting and for safety as I have my own issues that aren't being addressed in the interim. That's another thread though!
Thank you for the blessing, and for your care and interest. Also, for the hugs. I need lots of them right now, so appreciated them greatly. Here's a few back for you along with a supportive passage - Isaiah 40:29-31. :hug::hug::hug: Take care. Prayerfully, VB
P.S. I hope this made sense. I feel it might be a bit "rambly," so am sorry if this was the case, it's just where I'm at right now - without all of the dots connecting. VB
