Where Am I Going?

[Reclusive]

I'm glad to hear that you're doing okay. Hopefully in a couple more days you'll be able to relax a little more. Changes in environments can be really disruptive. Glad you have access to the internet - you know we're always here for you!

 

[Zemi]

You still could have waited till you had no option, and didn't do that so please give yourself credit for that :) I know it's feeling like you don't have any control over anything right now while you are there but maybe making a list of what you do have control over would help you if you don't like that thought of someone else being in control eg. you had control about choosing to come to this forum and post; you had control of your legs to walk to the computer; you have control of your breathing. Even just acknowledging what might seem like small things, well maybe it will help a little while you are there.

 

[Nighthawk]

I wish you progress and support.

NH

 

[Ian Vp]

Thanks Reclusive, one of the Vietnam Vets flipped ou this morning and wanted to fight everyone . Being one of the younger and bigger guys he targeted me. I just went into my room. He has been taken away from the unit but it takes a long time to feel like it is ok again. I am not an angry person by nature but at the moment I reflect what I am given and whe thinking about what happened i am more dissapointed with myself than with the Vietnam Vet. I didnt bring the anger to the situation but I could not control it when it was there. I am pretty much sticking to myself at the moment so having you guys out there feels important to me at the moment, so thanks heaps. I always viewed "on line" relationships very sceptically but I must say now I look forward to getting on line to recieve contact from you guys. Thanks everyone.

 

[Ian Vp]

Thanks to you too Nighthawk.

 

[revelry]

Why are you disappointed with yourself??? You are there to get better, not be a target of someone elses anger. You couldnt control him, nor should you expect yourself to. Sometimes i think thats the downside to being admitted, you wind have to deal with things that really have nothing to do with you. Try not to let this incident effect you. Try to focus on your goals of why you are there.

 

[Ian Vp]

Starting a new program with one of the nurses here more focused on dealing with anxiety and my breathing etc. Racing thoughts. It is an improvement on the regular program. I am not trying to be hard on myself but I am never going to get back to being fully opperational in Vic Police if I cannot process the information I am recieving differently. I instinctively went to interviene in a situation asking for each of them to calm down and then I became the target. It went from me talking to winding up to take him down. Other security got there and I had the oppertunity to walk away but then was overwhelmed by the situation, had the shakes, couldnt control my breathing etc. I guess it just illustrated how far I have to go which is what I am upset with myself. I will focus on the new program for next week and on getting me out of here!!! Thanks Rev

 

[Zemi]

Hi Ian, I hope the new program works well for you and helps you get to where you can leave

 

[revelry]

I want to mention something..... this is how im seeing your story. You probaly came there with the intenetion of getting better, you were a bit aprehensive at first, but then kinda came around......and thennnnnnnnn.... you wind up WORKING???? The place that was supposed to be safe, give you a break, time away, and support to get better, winds up presenting you with a situation that made you instinctivly respond. It's not supposed to happen there, give yourself some credit....you were blindsided. Hopefully, sistuations like that wont become common there....

good luck with the new program, you seem positive and optomistic about it and thats great!!

 

[Ian Vp]

Thx Revelry, All good today. Another day down and moving forward.

 

[revelry]

How are you doing???? It's been a few days...

 

[Ian Vp]

I am going ok. Program worked out for me is going well, i think. I dont notice within myself when I am getting aggitated and and learning to pick up on the physical signs myself so I can better manage them and not feel so self conscious when it is blatantly obvious to everyone else around me. The have changed my medications a lot and I dont know whether it is an improvement or not. I am not trying to rebel against the system but waking up in this place feels like a personal failure every day. I know what you are going to say Rev but that is the honest truth. They are taling about letting me out for weekend relsease this weekend to my parents house so that would be good. I will only find out tomorrow. Fingers crossed. How are you Revelry, you are always kind enough to ask after me but how are you?