Where Am I Going?

[revelry]

I'm kinda blind to PTSD, but learning, Im a supporter. I'm don't think i quite understand about you said

. I dont notice within myself when I am getting aggitated

Do you not notice the increasing frustration or does it just suddendly appear like a sneeze. I hate to ask but i'm trying to understand. It's OK if you don't want to explain, I understand.

I'm glad you're getting out for the weekend, I think it will be good, a little balance between where you are and want to be, let alone, probaly a welcomed break :) Let me know how it goes.

As for me, I'm OK, I try to stay positive, try to give space, try to understand, but I will admit....sometimes it's hard. Isolation is hard, I sometimes just wish a little "hey i'm OK, but don't want to talk" text or email, would make things much better, but i'm excercising patience. But don't concern yourself with me.... focus on YOU!, I'm just trying to help, and I care...

Good things to you,
Keep me posted.
Have a good night---well i think DAY..where your at :)

 

[Reclusive]

Thanks for keeping us updated, Ian. I'm sorry you've been in a couple confrontational situations. On the upside, you've been in a couple confrontational situations and they didn't end badly. I know it might not make much sense, but you've gotten at least that much control of yourself and that's something. And I like the idea of this new program that you're on. Breathing and grounding is SO important. I swear, if my mother never taught me to breath, I wouldn't have made it this far. I count on my breathing for SO MUCH I can't even begin to describe it. I wonder if she'll move on to visualization? I need to start getting back to those, myself, and the breathing thing reminded me.

Hope you're doing well. (((hugs)))

 

[Ian Vp]

Revelry, the best I can explain it is I can be in a conversation or moment anywhere and internally I still feel the regular fight or flight response that I always do combiined with a headache that never goes away. I have learnt to cope with that. If you read anthonys description of the ptsd cup and that of combat or similar trained personel it doesnt take much to put me over the edge of where I can cope, but I do not immediately run for the hills when I am not coping. I just try harder, I run towards the problem. I feel like I am opperating ok but other people around me have to draw my attention to symptoms which are quite evident to them. I admire your dedication to trying to understand ptsd on behalf of another person becasue I am only just getting a handel on it myself. ( says he who is hospitalised for treatment) Sometimes I can feel my anxiety level building and i just get myself out of that environment into a safe one. At other times the overflow just happens and you have to roll with it. It does not always help to point out that your partners behaviour has become unacceptable / unhealthy but instead offer an alternative to guide him away from what is causing the anxiety. Hope that makes some sense.

Thx Reclusive (((hugs)))

 

[Reclusive]

Your tone has changed, Ian. Your posts are starting to sound less strained. I don't know if you can feel it, but I can see it in your written words. I don't know how much encouragement that is, but I hope it's some.

 

[Tinyflame]

You're not alone Ian, (((hugs))).

 

[OKRADLAK]

(((((((((((Ian))))))))))) I was wondering how you were in there. I hope you are able to make A LOT of progress. Keep us posted. :)

 

[revelry]

Ian, You have helped me more than you know... sometimes i think it's easier to talk to some that you barely know...ie. this forum.... You have been soooo honest and i appreciate that. In return, i want to help you any way that I can. Im not a professional, but I am in nursing school, regardless, the compassionate side of me want to make those around me feel more comfotable. I hope that I can help, I want you to feel better, more composed, more in control, I know that it will take some time, but im here for you. i want nothing but the best for you, and im sure that you will get there.

 

[Ian Vp]

Thanks to all of you for your posts, it gives me a link outside of my ever present state of self analyzing, appointments with psychiatrists / psychologists / hospital. It is great to come to this place and get comfort from people I have never met. Yes all of you guys.
Revelry, I will tell you whatever you want to know about the emotional side of experiencing ptsd trauma but I can only offer one side, the side of someone who is often confused, numb, and quite often feeling quite lost. If I can share that experience with you and not actually trawl through my 12 years of incidents I am more than glad to. A lot of times I do not feel good for a lot and useless so if anything that gives me some purpose so I thank you.
My regular psychologist and a person from Police welfare are coming out to see me at the repatriation clinic next week. My initial 2 week stay in hospital has now been extended to 3 - 5 weeks which I find upsetting. Just want to start making progress. Yes I know it takes time. Going to the gym and starting to make a superman on the outside now just have to fix the inside. (((Revelry, Reclusive, Junebug, OKRADLAK))))

 

[OKRADLAK]

Ian, I know it's hard. But try to look at how lucky you are to be there!:) A lot of us have had suspended care, no care, shoddy care because of wrong insurance, no insurance, living in the wrong place, "pre-existing condition" clauses.

I had to wait 2 years for one of those clauses to pass and that time did me unimaginable damage because I had NO care. Then I had a bunch of crappy care, 5 days here, 3 there.........

You are so lucky to have 5 weeks there! I sure wish I was there, too! Not sure I could stand it anymore, but in the early phases of my PTSD I have no doubt it would have given me my life back.

 

[Reclusive]

I'm with OKRADLAK on this one! I'm kinda jealous of you. I wish I had the time to be able to focus on my own healing, but I don't. And I don't think anyone in this town is equipped to help me, either, and my car can't make it to Phx. Just try to milk the experience for all it's worth so they're the most productive 5 weeks of your recovery!

 

[Ian Vp]

Sorry guys i don't mean to feel ungrateful because of the level of treatment I am receiving, obviously a lot of you deserve better treatment then you are getting. I just want to get on with things. So I will male the most of my weeks in hospital. I just don't like spending that much time ruminating on the past, my flashbacks, nightmares and headaches. A hospital is a great place that is sterile but when it is your head that is inflected it only ever feels that I am being locked in. That is my sook for the day. Hopefully changing medication again because i have bad acid reflux from the medication even siting down let alone laying down to sleep. How long have you guys been dealing with your PTSD? I know every case is different and my focus is split between wanting to improve my health for my own sake / that of my family and returning to work before they medically discharge me. I have had to start to think about other options of employment after prompting from medicos. Hope this message finds you all well.

 

[Reclusive]

I understand - you probably feel like your spinning your wheels. But these things take time, so, I know it sounds silly, but try to make the most of it. I hope they change that medication for you - acid reflux sucks.

Frankly, I don't know how long I've been dealing with my PTSD. I've been seeking treatment for 2 years, though, thereabouts.