Sufferer Where Am I?

[Leanne1]

Hi. I just found this site yesterday. The thought occurred to me that there might be people experiencing what I am. Although relieved to have found this site, I have to say that reading some of the accounts here saddens me. Not having come to terms with what happened to me has hearing the pain that so many here have experienced really sadden my heart.

My son turned 4 a year ago. I just started therapy, and am learning that this triggered me as this is the age that the abuse I experienced started to get bad.

Over the past year I have felt the " here and now" slowly slip away. Near constant anxiety, and sudden terror as I find myself suddenly not here in the life I worked so hard to build, but back in the hell I worked so hard to get away from.

I can feel it coming. I start to pace around. Try to keep busy, distract myself. Then things start to feel fuzzy. And I am no longer here. I work hard on appearing for my son, who can't understand.

Sometimes I can feel as though I am back in my old house, I feel my body straining from being overpowered and used. I am ther, and then I read my son a book and make a snack.

Oh there you go. He just woke up. Time to interact with his world full of innocence. I want to live in the place he lives in.
I think I have to figure out where I am so I can get back to him.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[Echo]

Hi, @Leanne1, this sounds really difficult for you. Life for me also seems to be about learning what my triggers are and how they affect me. But I haven't got a 4-year old dependent on me. Is this something you feel you can discuss with your therapist? Do you have other support? I really hope you can get some answers which might take a bit of the fear out of it for you.

I loathe all these sensory distortions and the feelings that come up, but it has really helped to be part of this forum, to read information elsewhere and to ask my therapist just what is going on. For months I had nothing and no understanding of what was happening, and I was totally terrified. I am glad that phase has passed.

 

[Seasounds]

Welcome, Leanne 1! I'm happy to meet you. In regards to what you are dealing with, it is no fun. Your sensitivities to your triggers, and going to therapy are 'good outcome' signs.

I've also experienced 'real time' life events which triggered past traumas-that I thought were thoroughly dealt with in therapy. Like you, I went to a therapist and worked on the trauma, again.;) You are in good company.:)

 

[intothelight]

Hi Leanne,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

As you read you will find that a lot of members, when they start therapy, find that things get worse before they get better. The initial steps into trauma processing can really stir up the past, but it will get better, a whole lot better in the long run. It is a good idea to discuss some of the things that you are experiencing with your therapist as they can give you suggestions for ways to handle it. Check out some of the posts on grounding and see if you find something that you believe will be of benefit.

I hope you find the information and support here helpful.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Leanne1]

Thank you for the welcome.

I checked out the information on grounding Debbie, and will try that.

I have become pretty discouraged with therapy this week. I see my Therapist tomorrow and will try and talk with her about the difficulties I am having. I just wrote all about that in the therapy thread, now I read this encouragement and I am calmed down a bit:) I thought seeing a therapist might have me not feel alone, and less overwhelmed, but I think I am not understanding the type of therapy I am doing. (EMDR.)

I am going to ask to not do that process tomorrow and try and work out some of what is going on by talking about it. Wish me luck. I don't think quitting is an option. I might have to switch therapists. I don't know that I am ready for EMDR. Focusing on memories feels like to much for me right now. They just end up flooding me, and the suggestions of imagining a safe place isn't working. They get in.