Where Do I See My Future Leading ?

[Deleted member 20280]

When I crashed this time last year, I had a concious thought process that I could not shake and bearly understood, it was telling me this.

That the past, IS the past and NOTHING I can do will ever change that. The future, however is yet to be written. I can chose to be able to control what happens next in my life. OK then I chose to do just that.... Control My destiny as long and enjoy every minute of life I have left to explore.

One analogy I have at the back of my mind is this.. !

' I have been nothing more than a passenger on a fastly sinking ship my whole life, I have been marooned alone and scared since we broke against rocks. Wait I see lights ahead and howeverr tough it gets I drag my battered and brusied body up towards the lights.
Destiny lies ahead of me and it can take a path chosen by me.'

My ship broke up when It was 42 years into it's maiden voyage. I was left stranded and alone for nearly a year, had to drag myself through some of the thorniest ground I had ever had to overcome.

When I reached the cross roads, I had to chose between a dark and eerie path, that led me straight back to where I had been, or, I could take a path filled with opportunities and mystery.

OK I chose the unknown path, with possibilities, and endlesss opportunities. I chose to turn and crawl to the lit path. I am intrigued !

As I progress, slowly and painfully because of the scars I bear from the traumatic journey I have just survived I feel as if I am starting to heal. I must take this next part slowly, as there are still many many traps, pitfalls and stumbling points a head for me, false paths to throw me if I lose focus.

I must focus with all my energy and mental resolve. I want to see where this light leads. I want to taste freedom from the pain I have been crawling through.

As I keep my focus, my injuries are healing, I am left scarred and imperfect. These scars are testiment to the wreck the journey before led me to. They still hurt from time to time but I am learning to cope with them and recognise them for what they are. Memories of a distant past left behind me before the wreck I became appeared.

As I continue this treacherous and difficult path I can stand and walk tall again, my head held proud and high once more. The pathway is now an avenue and the shrubs and brambles scratching at me have gone.

I had not noticed when they dissappeared!, I am confused now and remember seeing them like haunting memories all the way, but wait. I remember now, I concentrated on that now almost dazzling shimmer ahead of me and again, I remember more. I wanted to press on and make it.

I emerge from the last part of my journey all but healed. I still have many scars inside me that I keep inside me but there are many scars that others can see. These scars are the important ones. The visible scars are proof that I Survived that journey, I actually did just that, I Survived.

This is where I honestly see my life heading now, even after my brush with, what I perceived as the end of my days here in my previous thread. I use these daydreams as part of my mental cognitive coping and adapt them to differing situations.

Now, I understand my thinking. I want to rebuild my life into something much bigger and ten times brighter than anything I ever had before.

I want my life to bear fruit again, I want my life to have meaning. The only person that can truly achieve that is.
ME.

Laurie

 

[Suzetig]

I really like your analogy @Santa_Laurie, have you come across any of Stephen Joseph's writing around post traumatic growth? What you've written really resonates with his theory that trauma - once processed - can lead to significant positive growth and change for individuals. He doesn't deny the pain or challenge of coping with the aftermath but does suggest that where someone's assumptive world has been shattered by trauma, there's great potential for meaningful transformation.

My therapist is working on this with me just now - it's very hard work but I can see how it'll be worthwhile. I have confidence you will be able to find meaning in your life and look forward to seeing you grow along the way.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Unfortunatelly when I was released form a secure unit last August I was slung out into the gutter by the Health Service and left to rot. I have got to my own personal stage of my recovery Journey through daily research and interaction on the Forum.

It is only now ten months later when I have been abandoned by the NHS and the Military forr decades that I am actually getting the help I need to process the final chapters of my traumas.

I was given copings and basic groundings by my diagnosis therapist and have adapted and made up loads that work for me to the point at last count I am upto 56 that I can use circumstances dictating.

I am not an educated man by any stretch of anyones imagination even I would fall down on that one.

I trained as a ballet dancer and let my academics slide to the point of ambivilence.

I have got where I am in the last 43 years by surviving with my wits fully intuned with the outside world. I know in my heart that I survived all the trauma as a child, threee suicide attempts, a near fatl car crash in 2001 and something happened wheen I was in the Military. THIS ONE is where I am stuck. I have no cognittive memories or visual flashbacks at all. I havee burried almost my entire Military Service so deep I cannot get down there to process.

I am due to start with a Military Therapist next week after practically beegging for help with that trauma.

I have found though that since my breakdowwn and dragging my (and apologies for this) Sorry ASS back up slapping myslef silly and telling myself to BUCK my ideas up MR.

I have vivid imaginatory hallucinations of happiness. Maybe I am infact delusional about myself but I truly hand on heart believe that I can and WILL recover to the point I can lead a productive life again. I havee never walloped in self pity.

Kindest regards Laurie