Where I Need To Be? At Last?

[CabraVerde]

This is really hard. I know specifically that I was sexually abused by my father for many years...approximately from the ages of 8/9 until I was 14, but I have a lot of reasons to believe that it began long before that, and that I was in fact being groomed by him not long after my birth. What makes it worse for me, ultimately, is that my mother (who I now believe to be a narcissist) was aware of this ongoing sexual abuse, because when she had cornered me once again to belittle, berate, and verbally abuse me (@19 years old), she asked me, 'What is wrong with you? Why are you like this?!', and when I mentioned finally something about the sexual abuse, and started to say, 'who', she ran across the kitchen and tried to strangle me. I've always known most of the truth and even tried to stand up for the truth that I can remember, and I have been physically attacked, invalidated, demeaned, and belittled, shamed, and blamed...even to this day. I just recently again enacted 'no contact' with my mother, because when I tried to ask her why she's always hated me so much, she starts back on picking me to pieces, and it's never nice, such as, "Did you run out of Paxil? I guess that you need to refill your RX!"

I've been in and out of therapy for years, and my therapists have always diagnosed me as having PTSD, but my family wants to circumvent their roles in having created my condition, instead suggesting that I have Bipolar Disorder or BPD.

This time, the 'no contact', well it feels the worst of all. In my past therapy, I have worked more on being 'emotionally present', so I can't hide anymore from the truth now...that my mother has never really loved me aside from what my love could mean to her. Just the most empty place, really...today! Logically, I can 'get it', that it never really was, but emotionally, I guess that I still had hoped somehow that my narcissistic mother would finally love me, my hurts and all. Yeah, I wanted to have a mother, finally! What a dream/fantasy!!!

On top of this, I am probably losing my house. As so many of us here, I have likewise tried to romantically connect with my 'abusers' in a marital/romantic relationship with a partner/spouse. He (my SO) was likewise sexually abused, but seems to be more of narcissist overall (in the end, I don't really know, because he won't tell in therapy or otherwise). Nevertheless, he was deported two years ago...and that left with me trying to keep the house. It's all really over the top, everything that has been happening...and I am just here now. I will probably lose the house, because I can't get my husband to help for a Quit Claim Deed or International Power of Attorney. I sent him money, he used the money for something else (same story, different day). So, now I am just waiting, wondering what will happen to the fanimals and myself when everything falls through...because it will. Where will we go? If it's just me, by myself, I have a million and one ideas, but I don't ever want to be like HER! I can't abandon the fanimals for my own selfish reasons, because they never asked for that...and they shouldn't have to suffer that, because FAMILY should be FAMILY.

I don't know anymore. I prefer sleeping to being awake, I think about suicide a lot, when I am awake, I have to fight cutting myself for the overall pain, and I have this fear always, when I do go out, that I am just going to fall apart, break down in tears in front of everyone, this puddle of emotional whatever (and she always made fun of me when I cried). It's awful!!! Thanks for listening! I'm sorry that I'm such a mess! :-(

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum CabraVerde

 

[CabraVerde]

Thank YOU, Sandra!

 

[Sandra]

I can't relate to sexual abuse but I had verbal, emotional and extreme physical abuse from all of my imediate family members.

 

[CabraVerde]

I understand, Sandra, I really do. To this day, what my mother has done and had continued to do to me, hurt worse. This came up as well, in the most recent discussion with my mother, because she used to wait at the back door for my father to come home, start in on him (the verbal and emotional abuse), and he would flip out, and then beat me or my brother and sister. It was just terror!!! And she sanctioned it, actually. I tried to ask her 'why?'...why she provoked him, why she had let us all get physically abused by him, but it's stupid really, and I was just opening myself to more victimization from her. It just hurts, all of it. Ironically, after my mother has berated me for being too emotional one time, when I had come back from school crying, she taught me that saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." The physical can heal, and yes, there are scars, but don't tell me that words can't hurt...that they don't hurt deeper! She was just trying to CYA for herself, that's all.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum.

I was also sexual abused, physically, mentally. I have PTSD and Bipolar. I have also cut off all ties with my father and his family.

Just saying you aren't alone there. Sometimes you have to cut off the dead branches...only then you can grow.

Good luck. :)

 

[CabraVerde]

Thank you, Ayesha! I am trying to think of this as being a rebirth, and painful at that...as I can't imagine any birth as being completely without trauma.

The hardest thing for me has been to come to terms with my own emotions. I feel like such a freak for even feeling anything, and it's so incredibly awkward when I do. One of my ducks was killed by a raccoon on Sunday; I found his body when I came back home that morning (after pulling a near double shift, & scheduled again to go back to work in another eight hours). When I came back home from work that night, I started looking for his brother, and then I fell completely apart in my back yard. I was crying hysterically, and it scared me too, because it's just something very raw coming out from inside of me. I'm really scared that this is going to come out again, because it's seemingly always on the edge...my feelings. I have to keep my job, no matter what! And then, I feel like I'm pretending, like SHE would have wanted me to pretend...like nothing is wrong. I don't know if I am coming or going anymore! I mean, I need to honor my inner child, her feelings, no matter how bizarre they may seem, but I likewise need to be strong for the family, 'fanimals', and I just don't know how I can do it all. I'm just a mess really!

I guess that this is just the truth happening...and it's going to hurt all down the way. They put off my feelings, shamed, blamed, belittled me for even having them, and thus I became MORE INTELLIGENT! My feelings are coming out now, and it's scary! I sometimes wish that I could go back to my dissociating self, because then, I didn't know my feelings, and they couldn't bother me....my feelings or my parents. This is messy...like I might break down in tears anyplace and anywhere...and she's still back there in my head going, "What are you going to do now? Cry?! Cry?!"

Trying not to cut, though I am still ripping my fingers apart at the cuticles, causing bleeding.

 

[CabraVerde]

Thank YOU all for your support! It's just hard! I hate feeling, but I know that this is the only way forward for me. If I think about it enough, I realize that all the therapy which I have had has pushed me to this point of FEELING! Just the naked baby about it all, falling out in the street and so forth. I hate feeling!!! I don't want to feel no more!!! Tear me down...it won't be pretty no more! Blob! And she's in my head, berating me! Yeah, I feel, and it hurts...her words, again and again. What if I cry? What if I do? Cry?!?

Is there a point in healing this? Being so damaged? I don't know anymore. I just feel like a freak, and I likewise feel like a failure that I can't end my own pain...for myself and everyone else.

 

[CabraVerde]

I miss dissociating; I miss that it didn't hurt me so much before. This is HELL!!! And yet, I guess that I am getting better, because I am feeling...EVERYTHING!!! I hate it!!! I hate feeling!!! I want to go BACK!!!

 

[CabraVerde]

I think that I basically quit my job this morning (DID). Texted the whatever on my boss, but called him on a lot of scheisse that had been happening before too. I kept repeating that, "I am nothing", because he always kept telling me I was replaceable, disposable, whatever. In fact, I started having a lot of 'issues' about a month ago when he had intentionally left a craigslist advertisement up about my position on the work computer. I never saw him as specifically having an intent to replace me in my position, but he did want me to feel the 'heat', so to say. I am sick of people using me, abusing me, and all of the rest, and as hard as this now feels for me, it can only get better...according to my mind. I am sick of being used, abused, and the rest!!!! Being hand to mouth is still better than being a slave, for anyone!!! I'll survive, for my fanimals and myself, but I refuse to be a slave again for anyone!!! My job had been too reminiscent of my mother and husband anyways. I want MORE, not the same!!! I will have more!!!!

 

[CabraVerde]

Yeah, that, "I am nothing!" And it becomes sarcasm, ultimately, because I do have a talent, ability, to work with people. I don't like being treated like that, that I am disposable, blah, blah, blah. Just now time to get all of the bad people out of my life, and it won't be fun, easy, or pleasant! But remembering from before, that's when the good things started happening for me, when I pushed the bad away!
Scary, not knowing where the next paycheck will come from, but I believe in myself! And I believe in God!!!! :-)

I just refuse anymore to have anyone talk down to me, ANYONE!!! Finished with these evil people!!!

 

[CabraVerde]

You attract to you what you deem worthy of yourself having!!! Saying 'no' to the bad people, the users and abusers in your life, is such a great start in having your life again! Bossman wasn't the worst of the worst, but he wasn't good either. I am glad to be finished with it ALL!!! I know that I have a heart, that I care, that I am someone, that I have a value...and I am sick of being used and abused, for having been used and abused before. I told him to get another 'whore.' And I am sure that he will. But not me! But not ME!!!