Relationship Where Is He?

[Mockingbird13]

My husband moved out last April - He came home and announced he no longer loved me, did not want to live here, and no longer wanted any responsibilites, yes just like that.

I dont know where he lives and we seldom hear from him. He will call and or come over and then we will hear nothing from him for days or weeks.....I dont know how much longer I can live like this. When I do get to talk with him, I am limited to how was your day at work and what did you have for lunch..thats it.

He is a retired Marine and we have been married for 20 years now - He was an amazing husband until last year when our world came crashing down. He hid his PTSD for years, and it all came out 3 months after he moved out.

I love this man - but I dont love what this has done to us... I am lonely...I am tired....

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Mockingbird))))

Welcome to the forum. May you find comfort, healing, support, and hope here.

Keep reading, sharing, and speaking kindly to yourself.

Are you in therapy? PTSD is too much for most to deal with alone.

When you are able to give yourself permission to detach your daily emotional life from whatever he is currently doing or not, you will find peace. It doesn't mean lack of love or care, just acceptance of the reality of circumstances.

That is a goal for us all...that we learn how to be ok for ourselves, regardless of other's circumstances.

Love yourself. Take action to save yourself. There is the path of healing, and then if he gets help, you'll be in the best position to help him.

 

[Heather]

Hi Mockingbird.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful and I see why you would say you don't know how much more you can put up with this.

The problem that I see is that he is calling all the shots and that is NOT fair to you. Do you two have kids together? Are you able to set any boundaries with him? I don't think it's fair of him to be able to just come and go as he pleases and then disappear for weeks on end. That's not fair to you.

I know you love him but you need to get off this emotional rollercoaster.

Take care. Hugs. Heather

 

[Mockingbird13]

Hi Heather,
My head knows what he is doing to me is wrong, but my heart just hasn't caught up. He came by tonight, and we went out. It was nice. It was just the movies - safe 2 hours of not having to talk. I made the mistake at the end of the evening of sharing my feelings - lets say it didnt end well at all - it ended with him getting extremely angry and letting me know he was tired of this sh*t . -

I should have learned that he cannot understand himself, let alone the burden of things that are bothering me. - But right now I feel like such a mess. I am in a loveless marriage (his side) , I cannot talk to him about anything besides how his day at work was and the weather (safe subjects).

I cannot go on like this....Yes we have children together (1) is already out of the house, the other is still ni High School - he has pretty much severed all relationships with both...our daughter at home does not want him around because she sees what he does to me. - She has better insight on things than I do.

You are right in saying this is an emotional roller coaster - becuase I know that I will not hear from him for about a week , and then he will call or text that he is sorry.

I love this man- and I feel its unfair to give up on him and us.....but he has destroyed or marriage, alienated his children, walked away because he cant deal with any responsibilities, and is not a husband by any means to me. I feel selfish sometimes when I think like this..oh I dont know....

I also feel that it me that has to make the changes - I hate that I cannot talk to him about anything ie. bills, the house, anything - Im struggling and I know hes not equipped right now to care...but I feel robbed.

Thank you for your reply....I know everything happens for a reason, and I know that I will get through this - but the journey right now is not pleasant...and I feel so frustrated.

 

[Mockingbird13]

Hi BW,

Yes, I am going to a individual counsler and I recently found a support group for wives of military that have PTSD/TBI.

Right now I can see what a toll this is taken on me physically and emotionally. I am angry, hurt and confused and dont know what direction Im going in.

I have friends, but to be honest, I would not want to be my friend right now- I feel like I dont talk about anything else - yes his life and his challenges have consumed me.

I love this man, but I dont know how much more pain and hurt I can take. I feel like my hands are tied, I cannnot work on anything with him, because he is not here. Im tired of being alone and doing everything by myself. Im frustrated that I cannot talk to him about things that I feel are important such as bills, house maintnence, school etc. - He wont talk to me about himself and he blows up anytime I bring up my feelings or anything that deals with responsibility.

I understand he has alot that he is going through and I try to handle everything on my own...but IM TIRED !

I have learned that he is dealing with so much in his head, that he cannot think of anything else. I have been patient, but it does not make it easier for me or my family.

I lost my best friend, my husband, my love in one swoop - My friends just dont understand. I have to make major changes in my life to accomodate his leaving. -Its just not fair.

Tonight I tried to talk to him, and as history has proved he got very angry and blew up at me. I miss my (real) husband terribly. I hate being lonely...Don't get me wrong, I am a strong person and I can do things on my own, but I didnt want my life like this.

I know we cant always pick and chose what we want...but right now I feel its just so unfair.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. - I truly appreciate it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

It's is horribly unfair.

Your friends can still help, even without understanding. We ultimately just need acceptance and support.

The more time you can spent on 'distractions,' such as movies, games, dinners together instead of alone, the greater mental distance you'll get from your suffering.

...and you'll need that distance so your mind, body can rest sometimes.

Check your friends....and find some who are good to just have fun with, some who can help with a specific chore, some who will really just listen without judgement, someone you can eat dinner with once in awhile...spread out your needs, and try not to overwelm other with requiring them to be 'all in'....most people cannot do that, but they can do something.

Let them. Tell yourself you deserve it. Until you believe it. Then, keep doing more for yourself.

Mostly, give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel...and express it to someone.

The situation will get better as you get better. It will be hard. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Heather]

Hi Mockingbird -

I agree with Bloom - You need to get out and DO FOR YOU! I think some good distraction would help a lot. Especially now that the weather is getting nicer they'll be more oppurtunity to get out and do some fun things.

I also think her suggestion for finding help with house work is a great one.

I understand that your husband is going through a lot but I think he's being very selfish. He's the one that bailed on YOU guys! So, he has a lot of nerve to say, "he's tired of all this sh*t". I'm sure your sh*t bucket is just as full as his.

Anyway let me get off my box before I start to rant. Just remember you have choices here too. He's NOT in control of every decision YOU make. But you know that.

Take care of yourself. Hugs. Heather

 

[ronin47]

If your husband just bailed on you with so little forewarning, of course you're going to have unresolved emotional issues. I'm so glad you made the choice to seek support from those who've had similar experiences.

He doesn't deserve to have this kind of power over your emotional health, not after he so flippantly abandon not just you but your children as well. He made a decision to leave and he shouldn't behave like that (sporadically communicating with you) unless he is prepared to take some responsibility for what he's done.

It sounds to me like your relationship with him is quite toxic at this point. You said so yourself, "as history has proven" he continues to verbally attack you if you try to get him to live up to what he's done and his responsibility for dismantling it in an honorable and respectful way. Your compassion for him is admirable, but it is his mind, his problems, and his responsibility to deal with them. Since he left so suddenly you probably still feel a sense of emotional obligation to him, but he made a decision to leave his family and strike out on his own, that was his choice.

Mockingbird, you can't do anything for him at this point, and he can't do anything good for you. He may be mentally damaged but that doesn't mean he's suddenly a child with no responsibility. What I'm hearing is just talking to him is sucking the life out of you.

It would be in the best interests of everyone involved if you cut him off and asserted yourself in this situation. Don't answer the phone when he calls. If he wants to come to your house tell him he's not welcome unless he's prepared to act like a man and discuss the financial responsibility he still has to your children if nothing else.

I realize this is a difficult thing to do, very difficult. I, for too long, knew a person that I considered my best friend who put me through absolute hell. I had a metaphorical gambling addiction to her. I would put the coins of my time, energy, and emotional well being into this slot machine that was our relationship and pull the handle. Sometimes I would win, but most of the time I would lose, it was the few times that I won that kept me coming back for more, when the reality was mentally, spiritually, and emotionally I was going broke. Please, for the sake of your children, don't make my mistake.

At this point you both need some space. You need to take yourself off this rollercoaster he's putting you on. Give yourself some time to breath, and, for goodness sake, relax. Take your kids to Chucky Cheese's and play video games with them, go to a salon and get your hair done, go to a massage parlor, have some fun for yourself. I know it's hard to believe at this point, but there is a world out there without your husband, and it's beautiful.

Please message me if you ever want to just unwind, vent, or ramble. You'll always have my support and love. Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.

 

[Don]

My husband moved out last April ..... He hid his PTSD for years, and it all came out 3 months after he moved out.

Well, coping with PTSD all by itself is no small challenge. That he kept it to himself while working and maintaining some semblance of a normal relationship must have been exhausting for him, and I hope someday you'll find it in yourself to forgive him in reducing his burden as he may have been finding just the act of remaining was beginning to 'trigger' him. You are not his caregiver (so to avoid any guilt from wearing you down, please do not look to yourself for what you might have done 'better' to avoid this, as it's unlikely there was much you could do at all imo).

That said, now that his condition's out in the open I hope you'll consider that only 'very lightly challenging' him in at first the most trivial of things and only when he's in the very best of moods, is the safe extent of your influence over him just now and over the coming year or so. Just being there for him at those times that he does visit, while being reliable, predictable, consistent and avoiding any hint to him of your being needy or clingy or expressing 'demands', may yet give the relationship an improved chance of mending itself (even so, I do think you need to reconcile yourself to the relationship recovering, may simply never happen).

Attempts to pressure him, remind him of his "responsibilities" or change him back to suit you may be well beyond his tolerance in his present condition and will simply drive him further away. It might help you to think of him as one of the "walking wounded", barely able to tend his own needs for an indefinite time to come, yet alone anyone else's. Money, work, and what are seen as outside obligations (such as his relationship and even his family) often pale in significance to someone coping badly with their inner demons. I assume financially you've received legal advice and matters are well enough in hand on that score, else that's where I suggest you put your attention.

Don

ps. As to your topic title "Where is he?", I think it's not so much his physical location that's the issue, but his mindset being beset with PTSD and so very, very inward focussed with little to spare for being outwardly directed just now that is influencing himself and those who know him.

 

[allitherapy]

PTSD is not an excuse to treat other people however you wish, which is exactly what your husband seems to be doing. Regarding Don's post above, I really don't think you should be walking on eggshells when trying to communicate with him. Yes, he has issues which stem from PTSD, but that doesn't mean you need to completely alter the way you interact with him just to be certain you're not hurting his feelings. PTSD is not an excuse and it doesn't give him the right to do what he's doing. I'm really glad that you're seeing a therapist. Is your husband in therapy as well? If you truly feel that things could get better, it may be beneficial for you to seek marriage counseling as well as both of you having individual therapy. If you don't think it will get any better, you need to get out of the relationship. Either way, your husband needs some clear boundaries right now: it is not ok to come and go as you please. He is walking all over you and hurting you and your children. PTSD (or any diagnosis for that matter) does not mean you get to completely disregard another human beings feelings. You have the right to have a healthy, stable living environment and your husband is very clearly disrupting that. Do what you need to do to regain some normalcy in your life, but by all means do not feel as if the world has to revolve around him just because he has PTSD. YOU matter as well.

 

[Mockingbird13]

Tonight I took the time to re-read what everyone of you posted back to me- I don't know what Im doing or which way Im going...Im feeling so lost. One minute I tell myself I will no longer let him walk all over me, and then I find myself missing him so much that I accept any treatment good bad anything . I know this is wrong and not healthy but I still do it.

He filed for divorce back in July and then stopped it..he tells me if he really wanted to divorce me he would have..which leads me to believe he wants to work things out, but he wont talk about any type of reconcilliation. Yes Im on an unhealthy roller coaster.

The last couple of days we have been talking (and its been nice), and I just found out that today that I have to have surgery next week - There was no emotion from him- all he could tell me was that he has to work and cannot help me at all.

Ok...Im going to whine a bit here - I think this is so unfair, I have been there for him for everything I have rearranged my schedule, my work and all when he has needed me (Im no martyr) but he is my husband and I wanted to do those things for him, even after he moved himself out- I guess I hoped he would do the same for me.... what was I thinking - I knew he would bail - but it still hurts. Our daughter is so angry with him because she know we cannot rely on him for anything.

I love this man.....but I am beginning to finally see that where we are now is not good and Im beginning to lose all hope. I feel like he really wants me to make the first move to end it all, so that I will be the bad guy in all this...ugh I dont know.

 

[ronin47]

Of course it still hurts. Mockingbird my friend, no matter how compassionate and caring you are toward him, he has demonstrated that he is not going to reciprocate your generosity, and that is a horrible feeling. You can't love him into being the person you want him to be. He is emotionally abusing you and your daughter and abuse of any kind is a dealbreaker in a relationship. You need to move on from this for your daugter's sake. It is easy to make the right decision when you're not around him but once he shows up on your doorstep all these old feelings come bubbling up, that is why I told you it would be best if you cut him off, if only for a few weeks. He told you he didn't want any responsibility, and he has acted in accordance with that statement. You can love him, but a healthy husband-wife relationship takes more than just love. Mourn the loss of the person you wish he was, and work through the grief without him because he is not a husband to you anymore.

Sorry if I'm coming off as blunt, but it pains me to see how much grief he is shamelessly putting you through. You don't have to take this from him, he is indeed walking all over you right now and there is no reason to tolerate it.