Relationship Where Is He?

[Mockingbird13]

Ronin,
I need to hear this over and over again...the answers are clearly in front of me - I just need to finally gather the courage to do this.
Thank you for your words. -
I am going to use this time to not only gain strength physically after my surgery, but emotionally also. I am promising myself to cut him off completly. I do not want his negative attitude around me. I cannot live like this (we) my daughter and I do not deserve this. I just pray I dont get weak again, because picking myself up gets harder every time.

 

[Heather]

Stay strong Mockingbird! You can do it! Take care of you and your daughter.

Concentrate your energy on the 2 of you. You have enough on your plate right now.

Hugs and much love. Heather

 

[Nicolette]

I am moving this thread to the Supporter Relationship section as it is more about Mockingbird13 now than her husband.

 

[Brontie]

Hi Mockingbird. Welcome.

 

[May1321]

I have friends, but to be honest, I would not want to be my friend right now- I feel like I dont talk about anything else - yes his life and his challenges have consumed me.

I understand this entirely... My T said I need to go out with my girl friends... what girlfriends?! I moved here about 2 years ago and I've thinned out friends who were not good for me in the first place - even if we've known each other since HS doesn't make you a trustworthy friend. All my girl friends live far away and I feel like I'm just making everyone's life more frustrating (including my mom's) because THIS is what is primarily on my mind.

I want to say this too will pass. It will... but is it patience we need to have or discipline to not "react" to the things that make us very impatient... :unsure:

 

[May1321]

Mockingbird13 - after reading Ronin's post and yours... it does appear we are in the same boat with our next steps in being Supporters by primarily taking care of ourselves number 1! BRAVO!! This inspires me :) Thank You for your strength... it will come more often for both of us!!

 

[Mockingbird13]

I mourn for the man he used to be - I mourn for the amazing father he was - It killed me when he told me one day "I just wish I could feel normal" ..... I know he is no way shape or form able to handle us, let alone himself - I want to be there to help him on his struggle, but I am completly shut out. I don't know who he is any more. The person he has become is uncaring, cold and cruel. His mess has crept into me and now I feel like im losing myslef as well. But I know this is not how I want to be - nor is this fair to our daughter - our family. I feel like these past 2 years I have been in a daze, and its time to wake up. I am going to take control of me again - I want to smile laugh and be happy inside and out. with or without him. - Yes this sounds cruel ..or does it ? Only those of you that are going through this understand - but I dont need approval from anyone except the good Lord above. - I will get stronger and keep my daughter and I in focus now

 

[Heather]

this sounds cruel ..or does it ?

Mockingbird, This sounds anything but! This sounds like YOU taking caring of YOU and your daughter and putting your needs and YOURSELF FIRST. Which in my opinion should have happened a long time ago.

I know you love him, I know letting go hurts A LOT but he left a long time ago. It doesn't sound like he's going to be coming back any time soon. That sucks but it's the reality of the situation. Be proud of yourself for taking your life back. Moving on is hard but in the end you'll be a happier person.

Take care of yourself. Hugs. Heather

 

[May1321]

Only those of you that are going through this understand -

True to this... this makes this just as difficult.

I too have HAD IT today. The lying and passiveness and the craziness it makes me feel, 'is he lying, is this part of his PTSD, is this something else'... Try to confide in my folks and they too now need to be cut off for a while.

Thank you, Mockingbird13 for your strength, and courage, and your belief in God. I want to believe that HE can heal anyone and anything... at least put the pieces back together so they are somewhat functional. I want to believe he at least can find and bring to the surface the best in ALL of us.

I know that I need to take care of myself... I think my anger and hurt drives me right now to doing just that... it's the only way I know how to compartmentalize what is going on and what needs to be done.

As we briefly discussed earlier, I truly hope that you will take your knowledge and experience backed by this new found strength you have to become someone who can help others as I hope I'll be able to. I just can't "hate" any more and this sickness that is in so many people... not just the PTSD but trauma, period, is just worsened by people who don't want to truly see.

God Bless you... and LOTS of hugs!!!

 

[Mockingbird13]

. The lying and passiveness and the craziness it makes me feel, 'is he lying, is this part of his PTSD, is this something else'...

May,

The lying just never stopped - from the affairs, what he does in his spare time to me not even knowing where he lives. He knows all these hurt me, but that does not change. I remember when our kids were small we used to tell them "Im sorry" means nothing unless you change your ways.. my husband has not. Yes he has PTSD, but that does not give him carte blanc to do whatever he wants.

In regards to passiveness, its frustrating - there is no sense of urgency to things that are important (reality) from getting our taxes done to things that need to be fixed at the house - Yes, I have taken over doing everything, but I am tired !

The way things were explained to me is that he has so much in his head, my sense of urgency just does not register in his...Frustrating yes !!

I am learning to take my time to get things done - if my house is messy who cares - bills are paid and the Important things are getting done. Its taken me awhile to get to this point...and I know I have a long way to go.
In regard to the lies - I just dont know - in our 20 years of marriage I never 2nd guessed him on anything - I trusted him 100% - but since PTSD entered so did the lies and deciet - I want to trust him, but I know I cant, he is so secretive. My daughter even said "Mom how can you ever believe him, he lied to you, he lied to us , he lies about everything" - I didnt want to believe this - but I see this is now a part of him, a part I hope goes away one day.

Until then...like I said before, Im taking me back...I have to

 

[Mockingbird13]

I guess this post will be the "Closing remarks"

I sadly filed for divorce. This was not my plan or anything I ever wanted. I tried to be there for him, but he slammed the door in my face each and every time. He no longer hears or can see me. I reached out, I learned, I educated myself, I truly felt I did everything I could do.

I love him, I hurt for him. I gave him his space - He left almost a year ago and never looked back. Myself and and our children mourn for him. I hold no hate or bitterness for him. But I do for PTSD.

We never gave up on him, he gave up on us, they say they hurt the ones they love the most ... I hope for everyone out there your story will end better.

 

[May1321]

Mockingbird13.

I am so sorry that your road has had to come to this. I can only hope in my heart that the lessons we all learn through this make us more prepared and stronger/not fearful of where the road leads us next. :(

Offering you the biggest of heart ((((hugs)))).