Where It All Went Wrong....

[ironcitycats]

I don't know where it all went wrong, but I know it did. Everyday I usually think or talk to myself about things I've seen so I figured I'd sign up on this forum and maybe put it on paper (electronic paper I guess). Diagnosed with PTSD and supposedly Bipolar about 3 years ago. When I was 12 my uncle was murdered. He wasnt close to me, but it hit home when it was on tv and in the newspaper. Cant forget seeing my mother crying at the crime scene, being held back by a large black police officer. When I was 20 I witnessed a shootout while at work. A passenger in a car that was chasing another car was shooting out the window. I watched it all go down as bullets were hitting the wall outside my window.

Then while I was 25, two guys put a gun to my head and robbed me at my apartment complex. At the time I had just graduated college, was working a great job, had awesome friends and the sweetest girlfriend. Things started to slowly unravel for me. The first year I was just paranoid. Would sit at my window for countless hours with my gun and peek out the window, waiting for the guys to come kill me. Then my gf broke up with me (I dont blame her), I withdrew from social activities and became very angry and irritable. A year later, I saw a guy get hit by a car in the median. He was thrown into the air, landed in oncoming traffic and died on scene. Apparently he was a good samaritan that was hit by a drunk driver. Shortly thereafter, I was extremely depressed and paranoia kind of set in. It never crossed my mind that I had PTSD until I went to my doctor for constant back and shoulder pain. He referred me to a psychiatrist and ologist. Have tried so many different meds but nothing really helps. It's like everyday, I relive those events in my head. They aren't really so scary as much as they are life-consuming. I've kind of given up on life and at this point I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I feel bad because I know there are people who have seen 100 times as many bad things as I have. But the feeling of a cold, heavy gun at the back of your head never goes away. Anywho, I wish I could just go back in time and start over.....

 

[Rob_Dog19]

Wow, you've been through so much!!! Kudos to you for still getting out of bed every day! I can't imagine how your precise situation must feel, but I do know how living with PTSD feels, and it's horrid. You might mention to your P that you've been having these difficulties, there's a ton of medications out there, and just because one doesn't work doesnt mean that none of them will. We're all here for you, too. [[[[hugs]]]]

 

[Srain]

It's not just one situation but when they build on top of each other without being dealt with that's where it effected me and seems to have effected you. I thought I had jumped through each trauma until the last few got me and that was it for me, then they circled me like vultures, over and over with images and feelings.

I'm glad you found this site. You are not alone in what all you have to deal with.

Rain

 

[ironcitycats]

Thanks Robdog and Srain, I appreciate it knowing people have somewhat similar problems. I hate the social sitgma attached to people who take meds, but I reckon they help. I feel like I've taken so many of them over the years and none have really worked. Sure there's anti anxiety pills I can take to help me sleep, but they're just a temporary fix. I've taken beta blockers, alpha blockers, anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, amphetamines and some kind of anti-seizure medicine. Part of me almost feels like they've done nothing except introduce foreign substances to my body. Sorry, I guess I'm just pessimistic about pharmaceuticals.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum :)

We are all here to support one another!

 

[Srain]

Ironcitycats,

I can't do this without therapy. I have been on most everything myself but found that "managing" the symptoms while trying to get help to deal with what exactly I'm dealing with is actually what I've really needed. I don't want to be on a bunch of crap that leaves me unable to know what's going on around me, I found out I do that just fine by myself (who knew!), but I don't want to be immobile due to my pain either and that's what struck me about your post. A good pdoc working with a trauma specialist and you being involved with your therapy, helps to get this done, that's my experience anyway.

I am glad that you are here, the support has surely been one of the most helpful parts of my recovery, just knowing someone is hearing me helps.

Rain

 

[Rob_Dog19]

I definitely understand ironcitycats !!!

It's especially hard to feel positively about medicine when you've never had a positive experience...

<Please refer back to the PC concerning "Quoting Posts". Edited by Amethist>

 

[ironcitycats]

Do you guys have any thoughts on Pdocs? I saw a psychiatrist and psychologist before when I had health insurance. Now I have government health care and I have been seeing a social worker and RPN. I don't know much about them, but obviously they would have to attend more schooling to become psychiatrists/psychologists. My therapist is nice, but she just graduated from school and I'm part of her first client base. The nurse is also very nice and seems to care about me, but almost seems like she's inundated with patients. When I see her, she has manuals and folders everywhere and is a mess. I'm not trying to judge them, because I have never worked in the medical field. At the same time though I feel like there's some obvious differences in the doctors I saw before (who were both male) and the nurse/social worker (who are both female).

P.S. I notated the gender of my doctors because I was curious about your thoughts on how patients might react to them. I'm 31 and male and was wondering if people think its easier to connect with another male or it doesnt matter.

 

[anthony]

Psychiatrist - A medical doctor who further specialised in psychiatry. Approx 10 years to achieve.
Psychologist - A therapist who can diagnose and prescribe medication. Approx 6 years to be licensed.
Social Worker - A therapist / counsellor, cannot usually diagnose or prescribe. Approx 4 years to be licensed.
RPN - Nurses also cover counselling, as well as medical, cannot usually diagnose or prescribe. Approx 5 - 6 years to be licensed.

 

[Ron]

Welcome to the forum ! May you find your "healing" here ! Hey, I'm rooting for you my friend, I know you're going to improve. This forum has done a lot for me in a short time. There is a lot to read up on here and many understanding, compassionate people to meet as well.
Good luck my friend !