I came across this entire forum pretty much on accident, but already I'm glad that I did. I was searching "working with PTSD" and a thread from this site popped up. I don't really know where to begin. Or how to introduce myself to a place like this.
I was diagnosed with depression and complex PTSD in August of last year after my entire life came to grinding halt.
I used to be a fairly social person. I used to drink at parties (not alone or out of addiction, though), I used to love long road trips and fast cars, I used to be able to stomach almost any food someone gave me, I used to be able to adapt beautifully to almost any situation, good or bad.
I went to a Metal concert last July, and took my boyfriend (who at the time was my very recent bf) and a few of my friends. I was waiting in line to pick up my tickets, when suddenly, I began to feel nauseous. The whole world began to turn wishy washy and suddenly there was a lump of fear in my chest and I swore I was one second from throwing up. That feeling stayed with me for the rest of that day, forcing me to leave early because I simply couldn't cope with this mystery feeling that I didn't understand. It lessened slightly over the next few days, but came back with a vengeance later that week.
In one episode about 2 weeks after the concert incident, I had to leave my summer community college class early because I could barely walk or turn my head without feeling as if I was on some horribly fast and scary roller coaster. And then it just never went away.
Every day, for weeks, I felt that same fear. It was as if there was someone in my chest pounding and screaming and setting off alarms but there was no reason, and there was no way to turn it off. I sought out therapy in August finally, I just couldn't stand it anymore.
I had dropped out of my classes. I stopped job searching. I stopped seeing my friends. I stopped riding in cars because every time I got in a car I had the sudden urge to scream bloody murder until I got out (I didn't do that but once, but the desire was there every time and still is sometimes). I stopped eating most every kind of food and was almost starving myself and living off of TUMS because I was so petrified of vomiting and the nausea.
I was 19 when it started, and my life had already ended.
My bf and mother were both very supportive. My mother has issues of her own, mentally, so she's very knowledged and understanding. It's ironic though, because I think a lot of the reason I have this thing is because of some of the trauma that her personalities had put me through... all though there were other traumas in my life, and I refuse to put blame on the only person who has ever loved and supported me like her. She has Multiple Personality Disorder, but is also one of the very strongest people I know. Anyway, my boy friend (event hough we had only been dating a couple months) has stuck by through all of this.
It's not almost 10 months later and I have to say I've made a lot of improvements through therapy, very light usage of Klonopin and EMDR. But I'm scared. Every time something has gone well for me, it ends badly and I suffer. I want to go back to school, and I actually think I can pull that off with some work. But I want to get a job too because I can't even afford to pay my rent anymore, let alone eat regularly and not worry about utilities getting turned off. The only jobs I am qualified for are minimum wage which is fine with me but they are usually jobs like waitressing (which I used to do before I got sick), cashier, things like that. These can be very stressful jobs for someone who can't even take a drive of over 30 minutes without needing to take a pill to avoid busting into tears and acting petrified. I can't seem to tolerate the heat at all and it always sets me off with symptoms.
I kinda think that's a very small reason that I'm doing better, over the last fall and winter and spring I have improved slowly. I know it's mostly because of therapy and the work I'm doing there but still. I'm terrified of the summer this year where I'll have to work in order to survive but will also have to overcome my fear of life, and I have to do it quick. I don't want this to be my life.
I used to be a normal person, with hopes and dreams and desires and now I feel like whoever I was before July of last summer died. I don't even know her anymore.
I have a huge issue with dissociating. I did it most of my life to cope with things that scared or upset me, so instead of feeling those thing as they were happening, I very seldom felt anything and just didn't think about it. Now I feel everything. I can't escape these feelings and they are killing me.
I'm sorry, this is one hell of an introduction. I guess once you get going it's difficult to stop. I always feel like floodgates when I talk about this. Basically this is me, saying hello. Whoever I am these days, I'm here. And I want things to be better.
I just miss who I was and I wish I could remember what it felt like to be her.
I was diagnosed with depression and complex PTSD in August of last year after my entire life came to grinding halt.
I used to be a fairly social person. I used to drink at parties (not alone or out of addiction, though), I used to love long road trips and fast cars, I used to be able to stomach almost any food someone gave me, I used to be able to adapt beautifully to almost any situation, good or bad.
I went to a Metal concert last July, and took my boyfriend (who at the time was my very recent bf) and a few of my friends. I was waiting in line to pick up my tickets, when suddenly, I began to feel nauseous. The whole world began to turn wishy washy and suddenly there was a lump of fear in my chest and I swore I was one second from throwing up. That feeling stayed with me for the rest of that day, forcing me to leave early because I simply couldn't cope with this mystery feeling that I didn't understand. It lessened slightly over the next few days, but came back with a vengeance later that week.
In one episode about 2 weeks after the concert incident, I had to leave my summer community college class early because I could barely walk or turn my head without feeling as if I was on some horribly fast and scary roller coaster. And then it just never went away.
Every day, for weeks, I felt that same fear. It was as if there was someone in my chest pounding and screaming and setting off alarms but there was no reason, and there was no way to turn it off. I sought out therapy in August finally, I just couldn't stand it anymore.
I had dropped out of my classes. I stopped job searching. I stopped seeing my friends. I stopped riding in cars because every time I got in a car I had the sudden urge to scream bloody murder until I got out (I didn't do that but once, but the desire was there every time and still is sometimes). I stopped eating most every kind of food and was almost starving myself and living off of TUMS because I was so petrified of vomiting and the nausea.
I was 19 when it started, and my life had already ended.
My bf and mother were both very supportive. My mother has issues of her own, mentally, so she's very knowledged and understanding. It's ironic though, because I think a lot of the reason I have this thing is because of some of the trauma that her personalities had put me through... all though there were other traumas in my life, and I refuse to put blame on the only person who has ever loved and supported me like her. She has Multiple Personality Disorder, but is also one of the very strongest people I know. Anyway, my boy friend (event hough we had only been dating a couple months) has stuck by through all of this.
It's not almost 10 months later and I have to say I've made a lot of improvements through therapy, very light usage of Klonopin and EMDR. But I'm scared. Every time something has gone well for me, it ends badly and I suffer. I want to go back to school, and I actually think I can pull that off with some work. But I want to get a job too because I can't even afford to pay my rent anymore, let alone eat regularly and not worry about utilities getting turned off. The only jobs I am qualified for are minimum wage which is fine with me but they are usually jobs like waitressing (which I used to do before I got sick), cashier, things like that. These can be very stressful jobs for someone who can't even take a drive of over 30 minutes without needing to take a pill to avoid busting into tears and acting petrified. I can't seem to tolerate the heat at all and it always sets me off with symptoms.
I kinda think that's a very small reason that I'm doing better, over the last fall and winter and spring I have improved slowly. I know it's mostly because of therapy and the work I'm doing there but still. I'm terrified of the summer this year where I'll have to work in order to survive but will also have to overcome my fear of life, and I have to do it quick. I don't want this to be my life.
I used to be a normal person, with hopes and dreams and desires and now I feel like whoever I was before July of last summer died. I don't even know her anymore.
I have a huge issue with dissociating. I did it most of my life to cope with things that scared or upset me, so instead of feeling those thing as they were happening, I very seldom felt anything and just didn't think about it. Now I feel everything. I can't escape these feelings and they are killing me.
I'm sorry, this is one hell of an introduction. I guess once you get going it's difficult to stop. I always feel like floodgates when I talk about this. Basically this is me, saying hello. Whoever I am these days, I'm here. And I want things to be better.
I just miss who I was and I wish I could remember what it felt like to be her.
