Sexual Assault Where To Begin? Finding Negative Core Beliefs

[anthony]

Assuming here only, from what you just said, that you haven't actually done the process mentioned in the above article, but from something you have read on a site about people feeling better when their abuser dies, you have introduced that as you negative thought, yet it seems you find this more a positive thought, or hope vs. negative.

So I am unsure what that has to do with the above article! Is this a positive or negative thought that you have introduced?

 

[aditi]

It's making my cry just trying to read this article.

The last abuser called me 'scuzzy' and it was my negative core belief all my life. He nearly killed me, calling me that name. He had sex with me and wasn't even attracted to me. Oh dear. Horrible. I'll do this work.

 

[PamelaR]

Thank you Anthony for the article and the actual 1,2,3 process. I am going to use this today when I write in my journal and see what I can come up with. Awesome! :D

 

[Lionheart]

Two of my core beliefs were, "I am bad" and "I am unlovable". I punished myself because of these two beliefs. I had believed these things for a long time although I didn't know it until I had done a great deal of therapy work. It is frustrating when we discover mistaken beliefs that have caused us pain, but this is when we get the power to change them. I no longer believe that I am a bad person, instead I now believe that I am a good man. ....and I am not unlovable, it took me awhile but now I love myself....faults, flaws and all. :)

Changing these core beliefs changed my life for the better and I can't stress enough the importance of identifying and changing these negative core beliefs. Thank you for this thread!!!

 

[jadebear]

I have been through alot of horrible things in my life. I could name many,many times that I was abused or witnessed abuse. But I spend more time thinking and feeling bad about myself than I do thinking about the traumas.

I just feel so unlovable and defective. No, I actually believe it, I don't just feel it.

My parents never hugged me or told me they loved me as a child, not even one time, and I really believe that has affected me more than anything else. As an adult, I should be able to say they were messed up and it had nothing to do with me. But I can't seem to do that. I can't help but think there is something very wrong with me if my own parents couldn't love me.

I'm not sure how to work through this.

 

[Lionheart]

(((((((Jadebear)))))))

If your parents could not show you love, then that says a lot about them as people and is not a statement as to how lovable you are. I have similar experience to yours and I have to tell you that I learned one very important thing and that is: "There is a huge difference between not being loved as a child and being unlovable!!!!" They are not the same thing!!!

I grew up believing that I was unlovable too and it took me a long time to come to love myself and to realize that I am just as lovable as anyone else!:)

I don't know if you have children but if you do and you didn't show them love, they would grow up to have the same false beliefs as you and I have had. We were not shown love, but that didn't make us unlovable, it made us unloved. :(

I think we work through it by slowly learning to like and love ourselves......just the way we are, ........and as we do, we come to realize that the trauma, neglect etc. does not make us less special, ..........it makes us more special!

I hope someday soon you will begin to feel and believe this for yourself!!!!

Healing Hugs,
LH

 

[jadebear]

: "There is a huge difference between not being loved as a child and being unlovable!!!!" They are not the same thing!!!

You're so right, and I have never thought of it that way. That really helps.Thanks.

 

[jadebear]

I'm still working on this. I haven't made much progress either.

When I was 30, my mom told me that not telling me she loved me didn't mean that she didn't, she just 'forgot'. That just made everything worse. Nobody forgets to tell their child. It made me feel that I was(am) so insignificant that I was(am) completely forgotten.

So everytime there was any contact with her, that old feeling and the old thoughts resurfaced. And now that she's not in my life at all(my choice), I still feel the same way.

It's not as easy as just trying to change my thinking. It's not as easy as saying she was just a very screwed up person. I can say those things, but it doesn't really make a difference. I don't know how to make myself 'believe' differently.

 

[Powder]

Hi Jadebear,

While I may not fully understand, I do identify with your posts. So I think I understand. Maybe it's more difficult to change our view of ourself (identity?) than of others. It's hard to realize that in reality, we never "knew" our parents because we were their child. We were in a unique position of dependence upon them, and therefore, we could not objectively Know them. Instead, we created some version of them for our needs. Then, as an adult, dealing with the legacy of pain from our past, we realize our version of them is no longer "real" to us, in fact, it never was accurate. This is frightening. We begin to doubt our understanding of the world, and it pulls the rug out from under our feet. The truth is, as Anthony posits at the beginning, we are in a position to question things, even our own conception of "truth." Our truths are always being taken out, and like a Rubix cube, toyed with until we feel we can get it as "right" as possible with the energy we have at that time; we are never done.

We never really "know." Admitting that is hard. We don't know our mothers; all we know is that they didn't meet our needs, that we feel they failed us in ways that have had a profound influence on life, and that we are trying to deal with it the best we can.

 

[praying for hope]

MUSE,

I read your posts from May and the things you said directly related to my daughter. The only difference is that, for a string of reasons, we suspect that she had been abused by her grandparents. These realizations had only recently surfaced due to current behavior and the "weird" happenings throughout my childhood. We are lost because the system does not help. How did you begin to remember what happened to you. I feel like the only way I can help my child is to reach into myself. But the problem is that I don't remember because I have very few memories from my childhood. Do you have anything to offer to help me.

 

[Sunrise]

My take on this, put over simply: Beliefs, seemingly set in concrete, are often set in place while one is actually being traumatised. These show up - sometimes suddenly - when the actual incident is being investigated with the skilful direction of the therapist. Once discovered in this context, the fact that they are blatantly inauthentic and serve no rational purpose becomes obvious, and they lose their power.

Not everyone works this way but those that do will favour handling as many of their clients' ugly events as possible before setting out to examine beliefs that are closer to the surface. Not only will the sufferer be at last able to live with the memory of such events but the source for the unhelpful beliefs and the reason for them coming into existence in the first place will become obvious. A sufferer will often be incredulous when they discover this belief or conclusion that was made in a state of emotional (and often physical) pain.

But until the event can be brought safely to the surface in this way it is easy to see why the feeling of not being able to influence these beliefs by reason or repetitious dispute is slow and difficult with little result.

This approach can undercut endless hours of disputing beliefs whose source is hiding deep in the trauma and still being " believed" until the events can be addressed and these beliefs rooted out of hiding.

Just by way of a kind of parallel demonstration, some specialists spend many sessions gradually lessening the effects of a phobia, while an NLP practitioner (and I don't use NLP) can dumbfound by completely wiping the phobia in one short session.

 

[Sunrise]

Just to clarify, this is not a process where one finds a belief and then goes hunting for its origin. The traumatic events are worked on and beliefs show up during the process. The discovery of the belief or conclusion usually heralds the end of the incident's post traumatic effect.
love to all.