Hey guys. Not sure how to completely go about this but you know I think I've finally just come to accept what I'm going through and it's probably just good to get this all off my chest. This is probably going to be an incoherent mess but here goes.
So, where to start. Was a successful med student, found meth two years ago right before a final exam before a transfer. Started out as a once in two months thing and then slowly started to become more frequent. During this period, I fell in love with someone because of something drug induced, did things that were unbecoming of myself, didn't behave like myself to the people I loved, suffered comedown after comedown but still kept taking it. It was an extremely stressful time compounded by the fact I had exams on the horizon. Everything I had worked for up to that point in my life was at stake. With help from a friend, I managed to pass my exams, transferred to another country. Thought that would be the end of it. But everytime I'd come back home during holidays, I'd end up using again and try as hard as I could to hide it and be normal which was complicated by me actually getting into a relationship with someone at this point. This person came back home with me and I still continued to take it without him knowing and fell out with him multiple times during my comedowns. That's the gist of it.
I think this is what started the PTSD symptoms I've started to suffer over the past few months to a year. I'm terrified of going home despite the fact I miss my family immensely because I fear I may use again. And because all of the awful events that took place in my life during that time, I associate with places that use to bring me comfort and it makes me feel awful. I constantly wake up at night with nightmares of using again, of failing my exams. I'm constantly ridden with anxiety with my need to take something to actually escape my perpetual state of anhedonia in sobriety. I constantly have anxiety about behaving normally with my friends and family because of how I used to behave when I was on it. I can't have sex anymore because meth was associated with me being promiscuous and I'm terrified of cheating on my partner. Yes I know most of these things are under my control and I have a conscious choice to do the right thing but everything just sets me off and everything causes me anxiety. I can't even have a social drink without worrying I'm going to do something that isn't myself because I have no sense of who I am anymore with what I did when I was using (which was nothing malicious, it just threatened the very fibre of who I thought I was and the values I held dear to myself) and it's a constant struggle to actually still remind myself that I am still me.
God this is a rant and a half. Not sure if writing that was therapeutic or not. I'm constantly ashamed at myself for what I let myself become and that it could happen again and that's probably why this post has sat on my desktop for 3 hours as I deliberate if I should post it or not. Here goes. Sorry guys. It'd probably nice to hear a few thoughts.
So, where to start. Was a successful med student, found meth two years ago right before a final exam before a transfer. Started out as a once in two months thing and then slowly started to become more frequent. During this period, I fell in love with someone because of something drug induced, did things that were unbecoming of myself, didn't behave like myself to the people I loved, suffered comedown after comedown but still kept taking it. It was an extremely stressful time compounded by the fact I had exams on the horizon. Everything I had worked for up to that point in my life was at stake. With help from a friend, I managed to pass my exams, transferred to another country. Thought that would be the end of it. But everytime I'd come back home during holidays, I'd end up using again and try as hard as I could to hide it and be normal which was complicated by me actually getting into a relationship with someone at this point. This person came back home with me and I still continued to take it without him knowing and fell out with him multiple times during my comedowns. That's the gist of it.
I think this is what started the PTSD symptoms I've started to suffer over the past few months to a year. I'm terrified of going home despite the fact I miss my family immensely because I fear I may use again. And because all of the awful events that took place in my life during that time, I associate with places that use to bring me comfort and it makes me feel awful. I constantly wake up at night with nightmares of using again, of failing my exams. I'm constantly ridden with anxiety with my need to take something to actually escape my perpetual state of anhedonia in sobriety. I constantly have anxiety about behaving normally with my friends and family because of how I used to behave when I was on it. I can't have sex anymore because meth was associated with me being promiscuous and I'm terrified of cheating on my partner. Yes I know most of these things are under my control and I have a conscious choice to do the right thing but everything just sets me off and everything causes me anxiety. I can't even have a social drink without worrying I'm going to do something that isn't myself because I have no sense of who I am anymore with what I did when I was using (which was nothing malicious, it just threatened the very fibre of who I thought I was and the values I held dear to myself) and it's a constant struggle to actually still remind myself that I am still me.
God this is a rant and a half. Not sure if writing that was therapeutic or not. I'm constantly ashamed at myself for what I let myself become and that it could happen again and that's probably why this post has sat on my desktop for 3 hours as I deliberate if I should post it or not. Here goes. Sorry guys. It'd probably nice to hear a few thoughts.
