Ambien.
In some ways it was more destructive to my life than heroin. Mostly though because of the people who were around. Most of it I really don't remember, but it's kind remembering a dream, things can remind you of bits and you can start to piece together something of what happened.
I remember at dinner with friends one night, my ex J boasted about how glad he was that I took ambien because he got so much more sex than he would otherwise.
I sat there feeling like I'd swallowed a boulder. Were these my friends sitting here laughing at me and how this man knows that he is doing things to me while I'm unconscious and that he's fully aware that I would not consent if I were awake?
Once, I wasn't feeling well, we were watching anime. I went to the bathroom and came out saying, "that's weird, I shouldn't be starting my period so soon..."
J started laughing. I asked, "what?"
He said, "you don't remember last night do you?"
Oh boy, I thought, here we go. "No, what?"
Something about me being really cooperative and more laughter. He mentioned being in the other room. I was confused, that was my ex-husband's and his boyfriend's room, why would we go in there? I had to co-habitate with my ex-husband at that time due to finances and illness, but this just sounded weird. I went to take a bath. There were red welts and scratches all over my body. That was when I caught a snippet of memory; he had taken me in there to let my ex-husband's chocolate lab have me first. Then he had been really brutal saying he "had to" punish me for being such an easy whore that I'd even let a dog f*ck me. I was unconscious when it happened, I had no knowledge of what was happening. I felt so sick.
Another time he raped me anally while I was on ambien. I remember crying and he said, "shut up you f*cking crybaby, you won't remember this anyway!" (except that I do!)
After I couldn't feel my body but as he was laying back I was rushing to the bathroom to get a cloth to clean HIM up. Why? Because his genitals were covered in blood and bits of flesh. My blood. My torn flesh. But I knew he'd become violent and probably strangle me again if he saw that I'd "made a mess" (again, even though I was not consenting and technically not even awake!)
I'm really struggling with this. Thank goodness I see my therapist tomorrow.
In some ways it was more destructive to my life than heroin. Mostly though because of the people who were around. Most of it I really don't remember, but it's kind remembering a dream, things can remind you of bits and you can start to piece together something of what happened.
I remember at dinner with friends one night, my ex J boasted about how glad he was that I took ambien because he got so much more sex than he would otherwise.
I sat there feeling like I'd swallowed a boulder. Were these my friends sitting here laughing at me and how this man knows that he is doing things to me while I'm unconscious and that he's fully aware that I would not consent if I were awake?
Once, I wasn't feeling well, we were watching anime. I went to the bathroom and came out saying, "that's weird, I shouldn't be starting my period so soon..."
J started laughing. I asked, "what?"
He said, "you don't remember last night do you?"
Oh boy, I thought, here we go. "No, what?"
Something about me being really cooperative and more laughter. He mentioned being in the other room. I was confused, that was my ex-husband's and his boyfriend's room, why would we go in there? I had to co-habitate with my ex-husband at that time due to finances and illness, but this just sounded weird. I went to take a bath. There were red welts and scratches all over my body. That was when I caught a snippet of memory; he had taken me in there to let my ex-husband's chocolate lab have me first. Then he had been really brutal saying he "had to" punish me for being such an easy whore that I'd even let a dog f*ck me. I was unconscious when it happened, I had no knowledge of what was happening. I felt so sick.
Another time he raped me anally while I was on ambien. I remember crying and he said, "shut up you f*cking crybaby, you won't remember this anyway!" (except that I do!)
After I couldn't feel my body but as he was laying back I was rushing to the bathroom to get a cloth to clean HIM up. Why? Because his genitals were covered in blood and bits of flesh. My blood. My torn flesh. But I knew he'd become violent and probably strangle me again if he saw that I'd "made a mess" (again, even though I was not consenting and technically not even awake!)
I'm really struggling with this. Thank goodness I see my therapist tomorrow.
