Who Am I Kidding?

[Notsowild]

I keep telling myself I can't be in a relationship. I just have many quirks especially from my childhood abuses. I don't think I can sustain a lasting relationship. And really who would want me. But I feel so lonely and I miss the male attention. I miss sex too but even there I have too many hang-ups.

All you ones that are in relationships how do you do it? How do you keep it going? Who wants someone with PTSD? Really

 

[Lidia]

@Notsowild ,

As someone in love with a man with PTSD, I can tell you that one is in love with the person, not the illness. You are you, with your personality and your little unique ways. That is what one falls in love with. That is why they will want you. PTSD is a bugger but any person that cares will want to work with you on that and manage it. Someone who loves you would much rather do that than be with someone else.
I think the question you pose may be more about your perception of yourself which you then project onto others? In that case, that is your part of the deal to make a relationship work. Try to accept that the other may see light in you that you don't see yourself. Try to accept that they are not fools or deluded when they see beauty in your soul which you don't see. I hope I am making sense?

I send you a hugh. :hug:

 

[GWhizz]

I did my best to push my current boyfriend of over 6yrs away initially. But he persisted which I'm thankful for, as I didn't care to give him or I that chance. He actually pointed out that he loved my quirks, the fact that I'm a bit 'different' makes me more interesting and genuine in his opinion. There are people out there who will fit you as a person. Not your illness. Of course, they need to be supportive and understanding, and have the stamina to endure the tough times. But don't give up on yourself or write yourself off. I think humans are naturally an incredibly social species. We actually thrive on healthy relationships. I know I love my own time etc. But I also NEED other people. That's not in a dependent sort of way. I'm just acknowledging that it's good for me to have that support and love etc. I'm not saying my relationship has been all roses in the garden. But in the grand scheme of things, he is the most amazing guy and I would not want to lose him now.

I do hope that you can allow yourself to at least explore this desire of yours a bit more.

I hope most of all that you can be happy in yourself (I know how hard that is with PTSD but I also know we won't be happy in any relationship unless were reasonably happy in ourselves).

This is just my personal insight on it, hth :-)

 

[Leah123]

Therapy has helped me keep my symptoms in check so I can be a better partner. You might try that to help you work through the most problematic of your symptoms and issues and give you the space to empty out that PTSD cup so you can be a bit more open to and available for relationships.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

As one who is as is, I (meaning me) will say that I come first. You need to see that you are someone very special who could make that someone very lovingly happy. You are a beautiful you and do not let your PTSD stop the beautiful you we all see. Don't go looking for someone like I did so many years ago because I needed acceptance in any form I could get it, but just work on yourself and then that special someone will come to be with you. I choose not to be in any kind of relationship because, being a seer and an empath, I can read peoples' intentions and I choose my own path for the time being. It's best that I become what I need to become to help in my own healing and my own well being.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it is daunting to go into a relationship thinking that it should be long term, or you want it to be long term, or anything like that. Of course that is the ultimate goal, but I think its better for me to just take things day by day and not worry so much about finding "the one" that will be with me for life.

I just recently met someone new within the last few weeks and I have already done a lot to run away and push him away. He pretty much told me flat out that he's not going anywhere, as I have touched him in a way that he knows he wants to see this through, no matter what the ultimate outcome. Yes, its scary, but I only try and think about the here and now, so that does a little to ease my anxiety.

It really DOES take someone special who can see through all that you deal with and say "yeah, this person IS worth it!" There are a lot of people in society who just want an easy relationship and they don't really care to be with someone who is a bit more challenging. But you know what? I see it this way.....I don't want to be with people like that because I am an extremely caring person, and when the tables are turned (which they will be at some point in life, guaranteed unless they die early in a freak accident), then they will want/need my support. Is it fair to me to give and not receive? No, I am looking for a balanced relationship, where I can support someone else as much as they can support me, albeit in different ways.

I'm sure some are saying "ahh, shut up Solara, you don't know what you're talking about because you've only known this guy a few weeks" but really, does that matter? He's opened up my eyes to see that YES, I am a great person, a great person who happens to have struggles that lie outside of what is "normal", but that doesn't mean I don't deserve love or happiness. Of course I don't know where this will take me, but I know I need to give it a chance. Maybe we won't end up together, but in life there are no guarantees.

My advice is to listen to those of us here on the forum who tell you that you CAN be in a loving, supportive relationship. Ignore those who don't know crap about PTSD or what we deal with and tell us that we aren't good enough for a relationship. Gee, had one of those people say that to me less than a week ago, funny thing is that she has PTSD, too. (High horses, glass houses, you know the deal, lol)

 

[The Albatross]

Who would want someone with PTSD? I, you, we are more, far more than our diagnoses. I know there are various types of people who are were attracted to me for a wide variety of reasons. One was more damaged than I was and saw "hope". One wanted to be a "white knight" (rescuer). One (my spouse) saw a mixed bag of good character and foibles... he appreciates me for who I am and how I handle my difficulties. Some though, while dating wanted a person in the ditch with them as they were wallowing. Those got weeded out as well as the ex husband (more damaged than I was) and the white knight (my first long term relationship/live in).

It is daunting, no doubt, but learning how to assess situations and determine who the "safe" people are is a big deal and helped me a lot.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Solara, I give you an AMEN for that posting!!! My soon to be ex didn't want to know about my PTSD and stuck his head in the sand. He didn't care and didn't want to talk about it just like he didn't want to talk about his son's imprisonment. Apparently, the sand covered his hearing, his mental capacity and his life because finally, you can't live with someone who cannot nor will not understand the underlying causes we have gone through. If the person you loved cared enough to ask about your trauma, then speak to them as best as you can IF you can. Sometimes, it's too much for people to deal with to say anything but I say that I have it because, well, I have it. I, along with everyone else here, has been through Hell and got the scars, both mental and physical. If these people who care about us want to know, then they'll ask but we're not "mentally unstable" as I was called at work. I just shrugged my shoulders and told them that apparently your ignorance about anyone that is different than you shows you have no business working here.

 

[Notsowild]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I was probably just feeling a little down last night. I broke off this strange "relationship" with a guy I met online. We had met before my last trauma and then just conversed online. I never felt I was well enough to continue. I thought he was a terrific guy, had just came out of a depression years ago. I just thought my illness plus a relationship was too much for me right now.

 

[Notsowild]

@Notsowild ,
I think the question you pose may be more about your perception of yourself which you then project onto others? In that case, that is your part of the deal to make a relationship work. Try to accept that the other may see light in you that you don't see yourself. Try to accept that they are not fools or deluded when they see beauty in your soul which you don't see. I hope I am making sense?

Great perception. That is me. If I guy is attracted to me I feel there must be something wrong with them. That's bad I know . I came from an abusive childhood and then went on to marry an abuser. So I do have a trust issue with men.

 

[Notsowild]

@Leah123...yes I'll be going back to therapy to work on my issues especially trust. Definetly have some hard work ahead for me. Maybe after I'll think about dating again .

@Ladyghosthunter...I'm not a seer but I think I can read people fairly well. It comes from being shy and not trusting. So I can sit back and tell what people are like before I let them in. Does that make sense? But then maybe I'm not that good at it because I don't trust many people.

 

[Stuck20]

I also struggle with why someone would want to be with me because I'm so broken and damaged. What I can intermittently accept is that there are very special people, like my wife, who see us for who we are sometimes better than we can. I know she loves me even though I frequently find it hard to understand why. She is such a special person that it gives me hope and I want to get better for myself, for our relationship and our family. Someone once told me that if I keep projecting fear in relationships, I'll keep finding experiences that will make me fearful. I need to try to act more out of love than fear to actually find and experience love.