Who Am I Kidding?

[Deleted member 19804]

Great thread, thanks for posting it. Everybody's responses here are very interesting and insightful

Someone once told me that if I keep projecting fear in relationships, I'll keep finding experiences that will make me fearful. I need to try to act more out of love than fear to actually find and experience love.

That is a very wise lesson. I'm trying to get myself to realise that.

 

[Lidia]

@Notsowild , I have issues of my own from childhood, though they manifest in severe anxiety (for which I use medications) as opposed to PTSD, so I can relate to the sense of being 'damaged goods'. Anyway, this is beside the point...
When I first met my beloved man, I could see that he would only be crazy about me until he realised that I was crazy about him. I asked him "would you accept to be loved for whom you really are?". He said that he did not know what that question meant. How I wish I had been wrong in posing that question...
So I now ask you the same question, though posed slightly differently: Could you bring yourself to learn to be loved for whom you really are? Could you continue to admire, respect and love someone who's only sin is to love you? I realise it may take time...but how about trying? Trying is good enough. Hugs.

 

[Notsowild]

I think it is daunting to go into a relationship thinking that it should be long term, or you want it to be long term, or anything like that. Of course that is the ultimate goal, but I think its better for me to just take things day by day and not worry so much about finding "the one" that will be with me for life.

Solara that is very good way to look at it. I did a bit of dating before my last trauma. Boy they were strange. I felt like I was 16 again. Men seem so immature sometimes. But I really did like this last guy. We had a lot in common but he wanted more than I thought I could give right now. And I know this will sound bad I thought he was too good for me. Yikes I'm mixed up lol

Who would want someone with PTSD? I, you, we are more, far more than our diagnoses.
It is daunting, no doubt, but learning how to assess situations and determine who the "safe" people are is a big deal and helped me a lot.

I guess I see so many bad relationships. People who stay together just so they can say they have a partner. My mother did that, she stayed with my abusive Father for over 60 years. And of course I married the wrong guy. Have you heard the expression " If you were abused you're likely to attract abusive people" Scary

 

[The Albatross]

I lived through it and have been with my current partner for 29 years, 25 married. Learning, like I said, about finding safer people is a skill set especially because we are likely to attract abusive people.

 

[Fadeaway]

Here is what I did, write out a list. Know what qualities a man would need to have to be able to cope with your PTSD. i.e. calm, caring, patient, not easily angered.

I really believed that I was unlovable, that the only men who would want a relationship with me was the abusive dysfunctional type. Then I met a guy on-line who ended up becoming my best friend. I didn't put up my normal walls because it was an on-line relationship although 99% of our communication was through VOIP. It took 6 months from the time i realized I was in love with him to have the guts to say something. (Actually, someone else noticed and I was blackmailed into saying something)

Anyways, it is certainly difficult at times, but the man has the patience of a saint. As much grief as I have put him through, I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he say's I am worth it. I know I go through phases where I try and push him away, but he says I am stuck with him.

I guess my point is, there are guys out there that genuinely care and will look past your illness and see the person you can not see.

 

[Notsowild]

I also struggle with why someone would want to be with me because I'm so broken and damaged.
Someone once told me that if I keep projecting fear in relationships, I'll keep finding experiences that will make me fearful. I need to try to act more out of love than fear to actually find and experience love.

Great saying! I'll have to think about that. I think I project fear of loving and trusting men. I love men but they seem so scary. Glad you found a good women. Maybe I'll be lucky and find a good man one day.

Great thread, thanks for posting it. Everybody's responses here are very interesting and insightful

Thanks. Are you single?

 

[Notsowild]

Here is what I did, write out a list. Know what qualities a man would need to have to be able to cope with your PTSD. i.e. calm, caring, patient, not easily angered
I guess my point is, there are guys out there that genuinely care and will look past your illness and see the person you can not see.

Thanks I like the idea of a list. Maybe I'll try it on a dating site. Actually I think I'll try to find a guy in the real world. I found those dating sites very odd. Right now though I'll work on myself some more. So glad you found someone.

 

[Notsowild]

Okay I'm going to get really personal now. If you were sexually abused as a child can you maintain a healthy sex life? Like I said I like sex but I can have a few quirks. There are certain touches and positions that
freak me out. I feel I have to be in control of whole thing. Sound strange?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@Notsowild no, I'm not single. I'm in a happy, but very complicated relationship. He doesn't know I've been sexually abused and that does make me feel guilty. But right now, I genuinely feel like it's not the right time to tell him yet, as we don't see each other often and long enough to have such serious conversations (he can never spend the night with me and is very busy, so our dates are usually just a few hours long). I also feel that my history doesn't make me a different person. It explains why I'm the person I am now, but I am still me, whether you know about my past or not.

And I know how you feel about the touches and positions. Certain ones give me instant flash backs. Fortunately; my boyfriend treats me completely different than the guy who raped me. We are pretty open about what we like sexually, which takes away the uncertainty and social pressure. We can talk about things and don't have to worry it'll upset the other person. Plus, he picks up on even the slightest signals and always checks in with me before and after we have sex, even though he doesn't know about my past. All that plus his personality in general make me feel safe with him, so that I can actually enjoy sex now.

I guess my point is that it's common to avoid certain touches and actions that trigger you or just make you feel uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure everyone has their preferences in this area. So no, what you said doesn't sound strange at all and I do believe that it is possible to have a healthy sex life when you feel ready for that.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you can have a healthy sex life if you were sexually abused. Mentally, I am there, but my body has bad physical reactions after sex. It's gotten better over time, and it will continue to get better. It just takes patience.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I found out the hard way that I can't have a relationship even though I'm trying my best to be tough. Having PTSD and wanting to run away when someone says, "We will see..." is not something I want to hear, although that's how it's supposed to be. I'm in tears right now because I just want to run. I want to get into a car and just drive away, far away, and see where I end up. I want to scream, and yell about all of the rejection I've had in my life and just fall into a million pieces on the ground. As strong as I am, as strong as I am facing issues and being there for everyone, rejection is one of my worst triggers.

I need a punching bag.

 

[GWhizz]

@Snowwhite my partner doesn't know about my sexual abuse history either and I feel a lot of guilt for this too. But like you said, I agree it doesn't define you or your sexuality now. Of course the flashbacks etc make an impact. But my partner is also sensitive to any cues when I'm upset and always checks in.

I just never told anyone about the past until recently I told my T. I don't know how or where to start with telling him. I know he'll be supportive but it's so shameful too