Who Am I

[amy]

I am so confused and lost. I feel empty and blank most of the time, but continue to have this screaming monster inside my body which screams so loud I can barely breathe. I was called different names by my mother during my very early years ..... one name when she was pretending to be nice in front of others, another name when she hated me (at some point in every day) and then as I got older I started to use another name. Each name represents certain memories ..... each one acted in a certain way .... i loathe them all. I do not have MPD, I know all the 3 names are me, but I dont feel connected to any of them. I just hate them. its so hard to connect to anything. Who am I? I think I have lost my mind :-(

 

[BigBear]

Hi Amy,

I don't think that you have lost your mind. In fact, having been diagnosed, you are now on your way to a better place! My wife used to feel like you do a lot. Actually, to correct that, she thought like wrong thinking people had forced her to. There's still some of that around for her, but every time she breaks down another wall, she has less and less. Two things started her on her way. She learned everything about PTSD that she could. She also found a Therapist (T) who not only knew how to spell PTSD (a trick in itsself) but who also knew how to treat it.

I do recommend these steps strongly to you!

Bear

PS: Oh Yeah, That monster... It's not really of your creation. I'd bet it is a lovely parting gift from some wonderful:devilish: friend:poop:. :tdown: ((((((((((Big Bear Hugs for AMY!)))))))))):)

 

[kimba]

I know exactly what you mean. I also wonder once I get through dealing with all the feelings who and what will be left...

 

[anthony]

Who am I?

You're Amy, who just happens to be looking for a better version of Amy, which you will find in time the more work you spend on helping yourself heal and improve.

 

[amy]

Thankyou all. Big Bear ... your wife is a very lucky woman to have found someone who understands and accepts.

 

[Heather]

I know exactly what you mean. I also wonder once I get through dealing with all the feelings who and what will be left...

Very well put, Kimba:)

 

[jimmy-joe]

If you were to say that each name is an alter ego... a part of you you no longer control(as far as you can tell) or maybe the only part you can control is keeping it from controlling your body (I feel like this a lot)... then it could be that each of these names is carrying the anger and pain of 1) watching people think your mother loved you and not being able to tell them the truth(I'm guessing this is how you felt. its how i felt about my dad), 2) feeling your mother's hate, and 3) whatever came next.

Then it might be that they just need to relieve that stress (lots of ways, avoid the violent ones :p) and once relieved of the burden will become more... docile :D.

Dissociation is on a scale with DID(mpd) being on the extreme end, so when I say alter ego I'm using a loose term that could be anywhere from mild dissociation to full blown DID, but yea was just clarify i wasn't trying to label you