Who Do I Turn To?

[Vee Lagrome]

Thank you, Helen. It does hurt and it is frightening and confusing. I do think that this little vacation away from each other is good for the both of us. I am curious though about your in-laws. My father-in-law is incredibly unsupportive of my husband participating, but my mother-in-law, as little as she understands this situation, is supportive of me and my husband. I am very hurt that my father-in-law seems to believe that it'd be easier to just divorce and doesn't seem to see the value of my husband learning more and being a participant in my healing process. I don't even know how I feel about this.
My mother, who used to love my husband like no one's business, is also unsure of how to feel about him and his family after my husband told her something along the lines of "I don't need to put up with this. I can just leave when I want to". She believes strongly, as do I, that once you marry, you're in it til death, but my husband and his father don't seem to value that. I'm just not sure what to think of this or what to do with this situation. :/

 

[anni]

Well I live on a snowy mountain top but it ends there, to be sure! :) Hee- so funny, and funnier if you'd back-track threads and see how many times I've been married. 'Wise' doesn't enter into the equation.

Wow, it sounds like there's an awful lot of input from others in your marraige, flowing both ways, too. That's quite a Damoclean sword to have hanging over your head also, a husband who clearly states he can leave if he wants to. Kind of an ultimatum, it seems. I think I'd be rather resentful of a very crowded marraige-too many people allowed to have an opinion which apparently holds weight!

It does very much sound as if you're managing to keep a clear head regardless, you know- getting away from this entire situation to be able to see things clearly for awhile. That's a 'plan' as opposed to constantly having to be emotionally reactive through all these quite genuine hurts. I think it's rather impressive to have been to process this much so well despite both the PTSD and the sort of uphill battle to maintain your healing.

Maybe it's the bunnies? :)

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Well, you know what they say, Anni - "experience is the best teacher" Lol.
Yes, it is frustrating to have him say that and I've given him my own ultimatum - you threaten to leave, threaten to do anything that you know will hurt me, I'm leaving and I'm never looking back. He knows I'm very well capable of doing this and to not call my bluff. We did talk about that and once I was away from him, it really sank in how dirty that was, and I told him that. I told him marriage vows shouldn't be taken so lightly to threaten to break them whenever you get irritated. I know he isn't great at coping with stress, but that crosses a serious line.
And yes, EVERYONE gives their 2 cents about our marriage. It is extremely annoying most of the time. I know they mean well, but seriously, go watch TV or something. Lol. What's worse is that my husband's family is always telling him how weird I am or how my behavior is just totally out of line (when truthfully, it's not - a little odd at worst). His grandmother went as far as to say that she believed I was a demon (seriously). I know it can be hard for him to play the balancing act, but seriously, the man needs to learn how to say, "butt out". Lol.
I am trying to keep my head clear because I really just want to resolve things peacefully, but it's exhausting. It's definitely like climbing a mountain and having people hurl little rocks at you constantly.
Hehe, my babies do have a way of making things better. :)

 

[anni]

Hee- I'm not laughing because it's funny, but because I've been there, Good GRIEF. :) I was actually just spending a few moments poking around the forum this afternoons because I'm on a learning curve with something else and saw this- couldn't resist logging in. I won't work on the subject to the point of making the top of your head pop off, but the 'thing' where others are sort of allowed input in the relationship? Oi. I was never a demon ( sorry if that made me laugh- I stopped quickly, but really, a demon? ) but let's see, I was a gold digger ( despite having my own nice little business..... ), a pill popping druggie, ( Topamax and Zoloft ), etc. etc.He didn't exactly listen but he didn't exactly blow them out of the water, either. I had his sister take me out for what was to be a nice, girly lunch and land allllll over me with a 'See here lady, you're not going to get pregnant and get the house, I know your game' speech.As in excuse me? Ahem- I was 46 or so at the time with my own house and really soundly tied tubes. Beyond hurtful and deliberately so. I eventually really did develop a line in the sand, take no prisoners position of dignity which remains to this day- play nice or go away. I wasn't raised to be any one else's target for poisonous darts, or repository for family dysfunctions. I do hate to say this, but it's not your job to keep the rest of the family happy beyond your own boundaries of personal dignity-as you say, it's exhausting, plus- you can't win.That type will not let you. How do you possibly counter a charge of 'demon' for instance? It's also pretty much up to him to back that dignity for you- although gosh- I dislike sticking my nose into someone else's relationship dynamics. I really have been there though so do know it's unwinnable otherwise-plus adds so much to the relationship dreck. It's a betrayal, or feels like one! Hee- my husband does now see the situation for what it is, solidly tolerates nothing degrading to me but I think views the inevitable brouhahas which still erupt here and there as feminine battles of The Titans. Sorry so long with this, it's just that his family has no business on the planet passing any sort of judgement on you whatsoever. You're right- Good Grief, go watch TV or pull the wings off flies or whatever it is people who are that dreadful do for entertainment. This isn't about me, I'm just repeating what sounds familiar and yes, I did say that to one of them. It did not go down well. :)

Perhaps a move to a planet far, far away from that family would give you both a fresh start? Just you, him and the fuzzy ones? I have 150 miles to work with but someone keeps giving them car keys..

 

[Vee Lagrome]

No, it's ok to laugh. That was my first reaction because I have never been called a "demon" before and proudly introduce myself as my husband's demonic shiksa (derogatory term for a non-Jewish wife), which absolutely mortifies my husband, but I think it's funny Lol. Oh, I was also blamed for turning my husband Jewish (note: I am not Jewish, have no Jewish family, and he was Jewish before I met him! Thus, "shiksa" came into my vocabulary) and I was also blamed for ruining his birthday one year (I thought he had a good time, no idea where that came from). The list goes on. When she called me a demon, I merely wrote her a little card and put little hearts all over it, signed it "Love" and put a little happy face with devil horns, fangs, and a tail in the corner (just because).
I can't believe she really told you to not go get pregnant! That's actually kind of funny that it would occur to her to chew you out for that. Firstly, it's none of her business, and secondly, if you never even mentioned having children, I don't know... Geez, people think we're crazy and we're wracking our brains as to how their paranoid thoughts even enter their heads!
Basically, our relationship dynamic is that he is a pampered spoiled little kid in recovery, who has come to realize that the way his family treats those marrying in is not normal, correct, or morally just with the help of his Rabbi (Rabbi's words - "That's f*cked up and they are f*cking wrong to treat your wife like that"). He is naturally a very passive aggressive person, so standing up for me is extremely scary, but he has laid down the law of "shut up and be nice or I'm never talking to you again". He has not done this with all of his family members, but whatever, baby steps are better than nothing. Lol.
Hahaha, that's terrible. I would love to move far away, but it's not the physical distance so much as them picking up the phone to spew whatever venom. We are working on the skill of hanging up when they start being vicious, so hopefully that will work out. Lol.
It's good to know that you can relate to all of this nonsense! Everyone I had talked to were just shocked that my husband's family could be so nutty!

 

[anni]

Hee- I think kooks come in all varieties. I'd never come across any died-in-the-wool ones previously, you see, so was completely unprepared for the sort of gutter-fighting they tend to engage in. We all keep a careful distance at this point, although there are occasional visits here which wear me to a shred. Yes, my husband pretty much laid down the law also but as you said, there are other ways to spew venom. I just will not tolerate a life spent fielding kook-balls from left field.

I adore your Rabbi! Nothing like not mincing words- I'm not Jewish but we could use some ministers with the same gift for getting to the heart of the matter- ha! There really is nothing like good, solid outside perspectives, either- I was fortunately seeing my T regularly at the time, which helped immensely. The whole PTSD self-worth thing is helped not at all by this nonsense and even though of course you know it's crap it still hurts dreadfully.

Yes, you know I'm almost 53 but whenever we have to see his sister I'm still tempted to stuff a pillow under my shirt and announce a happy event. I swear I'm going to do it one day, too, as juvenile a form of amusement as that would be, it'd be worth it! :)

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Yes, you know I'm almost 53 but whenever we have to see his sister I'm still tempted to stuff a pillow under my shirt and announce a happy event. I swear I'm going to do it one day, too, as juvenile a form of amusement as that would be, it'd be worth it! :)

Ha! I almost died laughing! I think you should do it. I mean, it's not that unbelievable. On Discovery Health, they had a 55 year old woman having a child for the first time (despite every single one of her doctors telling her it was a horrible idea). But if she is that gullible, it would be great for a laugh! Hahaha!

 

[seedling]

Vee - just reading your thread today. Glad to see you're working through this. I think, Anni, that you must do the pillow thing now and let us know how it goes. Give us a laugh and brighten our day!

Your husband must be facing one of his biggest challenges in supporting you and actually listening to your feelings. The "la-la-land" of avoidance that's comfortable for him to sink into just isn't going to work now but he doesn't know how to go anywhere else. His therapy should help him face what the challenges are.

If he's had the lack of real committment coming at him in his parents' marriage all his life it will be something for him to overcome this now. Maybe you could temporarily get support from close friends you can trust while you are both working on this. Take down some of your internal pressure. Tell him smaller things (not bad advice to take myself!) to start with.

I find for myself that physical touch is calming and I could benefit by telling my husband I need more of that! Although, when he gets upset seeing I am really upset he tends to transmit his own anxiety through his touch. At that point I shut down my own feelings to help him.

Rooting for you guys.

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Seedling - That's good advice, and I do have a hard time remembering that he has had a drastically different upbringing than I have had, so I should be more understanding of that. You're right. We are definitely going to work on that. :)

 

[SunnyHelen]

Hi Vee, Glad to hear you sound more on top of things. I think it just helps chatting with people who are in the same situation.
Now my in laws are no way as colourful as yours!! His Father is a very emotionless / judgemental and seems to frown on anyone having fun. He doesn't do illness and belongs to the school of 'Pull Yourself Together'. In fact he just doesn't get me and responds to my quirky sense of humour with just a blank expression. His mum has not worked since having the kids and has no friends (completely under his rule). His dad has a social life and drives the car but she doesn't do either. OMG why didn't alarm bells ring early on?!They do not verbally butt in on our relationship but the body language and looks say it all. One look can seriously crush you. My ex is just a carbon copy of his Dad (with a personality though) but frowns on anyone or thing that is not acceptable to his way of thinking or percieved social acceptablilty. God don't their Parents have loads to answer for.
It does sound like you will have more sucess with your husband and it actually sounds like he does love you. Its just breaking that 'brainwashing' that your wonderful Father in law has successfully created.
Like Anni, I too have drawn the imaginary line and distance myself from anyone who crosses it. Sadly my Mum crosses it on a regular basis and she is very opinionated. The last thing she said whilst I was an emotional mess was "I really do think you should have more friends, I think you hide behind your anxiety as an excuse". This is someone who claims to undestand and support me! So anyway families have so much to answer for, but I think Anni is right when she says you should only be using your energy on you immediate and most important loved ones.
Good luck and keep smiling xx

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Helen - I agree that parents do have a way of instilling the bad values with the good ones. I know my husband is working on expanding his mind past the shallow sort of thoughts he inherited, but I know it's tough too. It's even worse now because we've been forced to move in with his parents temporarily while we wait for our condo to be rebuilt. He is so much better and so much more stable when we're on our own, and when he gets around his parents he becomes this spoiled little prick (excuse my bluntness, lol). It's very frustrating, and he's aware of it, but he doesn't know how to stop doing it. I know he loves me and I know that he has a hard time digesting the fact that his parents can be wrong about things and that their marriage isn't exactly something to put on a pedestal as an example of happy married life. I'm definitely looking forward to moving back into our own home again and getting the less-spoiled version of my husband back, Lol.
My mother also has absolutely no understanding of PTSD and says similar things. I know she means well and just wants me to be happy, but her idea of how to do that is "suck it up, go to church, and focus on work", which, frankly, doesn't work for me.
Oh well, I guess all we can do is email articles about it every now and then and hope for the best... :)

 

[DianeP]

Hi Vee,

Love the bunny, too. It makes me smile every time I have seem it.

A little background first: I do not like going to bed at night. The second time I was gang raped they broke in my parents house and raped me in my bed. This sometimes makes it a problem for me to make it up the stairs and sleep in bed and not on my couch: if I sleep at all at night.

One thing my psychiatrist and I talked about a month ago was make a clear request to my husband and kids. I told them when they see me angry, an just hours ago I was happy and laughing to just ask me if I am feeling safe? If, I just seam like I am off or acting sad they can ask the same thing. If, they wake up or when they are going to bed and I give them a lame excuse why I am not going to bed, also. The same question can be asked “Are you feeling safe right now?”. It truly has been amazing for me! It brings me back to reality and then I can do whatever I need to do to work on the trigger.

My kids wanted to ask me are you or have you been triggered by something. For me that just made me snappier and angrier.

I am not sure if it will help you: it has truly been a God sent for me. I then can go listen to a relaxation tape, my favorite rock song, watch cute videos on youtube or take a candle lit bath till I feel safe, again. I just started keep a journal of what day, time and where I had been. If I know what the trigger is/was I write that down, also.

I forgot to bring my journal to my therapy appointment Friday but we had other fish to fry;-) Plus, I think I am going to ask for a new therapist. One who knows more about PTSD and ADHD. My therapist gets so frustrated with me because sometimes I forget what she told me 4-5 months prior.That just makes me feel like a child all over again and my mom is telling me how stupid I am.


I really hope it works for you and your husband.

Hugs and best wishes,
Laura
Laura