Why Am I Not Over Him?

[J_trustno1]

I know that this is the question I need to be asking myself and have been doing it for the last 2+ months already. I took a break from the forum to allow myself sometime to reflect on things but I think I'm not doing well to be honest.

I have been struggling with panic attacks, insomnia, depression and crying spells. I don't get it. I was the one who reported him to the police for sexual assault which he did commit not once but several times. My "No" was never enough for him, he was jealous of my academic results, constantly put me down, had anger issues and I miss him? What is wrong with me?
He used me for his assignments and was slowly trying to use me for financial costs but I broke up with him before he caused more trouble.

I've heard that he's moved on already, he has a new girlfriend who is gorgeous and yet he was telling me he "loved me"? It feels I am replaced with someone new better looking. But why did he treat me bad? Why do I still have feeling for him?

I usually don't fall for anyone that easily and when I do, I don't move from one relationship to another for few years until I sort myself out. I feel that I'm insane for not moving on like he has :( :cry:

 

[hodge]

I think you're wise not to move on to another relationship yet. It sounds like you have a lot to recover from from this relationship. It's very easy for people who've been mistreated early in life to get into relationships where they're mistreated again. I did that a lot when I was younger. By some miracle I broke the pattern of abuse and was alone for several years till getting together with the non-abusive man who became my husband. Therapy can really help. :hug:s

 

[Ironlady]

We often develop Trauma bonds with those who hurt us the most. I'm so sorry you are hurting so much.. You did the right thing hon. :hugs:

 

[brae]

im so sorry you are going thru this painful experience. i really want to affirm you that there is nothing wrong with you<3 the trauma u went thru is hard enough let alone this on top, it must feel so so awful. you got completely taken advantage of in multiple ways by someone who you loved, that love is intertwined with abuse and that shit is just so confusing. when we equate abuse with love we have no idea what healthy love even looks like anymore. it hurts so much to be in that state. i can really relate with what you are saying about feeling insane for not moving on. really it is probably the best thing u are doing for yourself by giving yourself time and not jumping into another relationship just to match him. you are being honest with yourself and thats so important. taking that time could give you insight into the abusive patterns of the relationship which will be so so valuable for your sense of self and what u truly want in a partner, and to attract a healthy and healing relationship in the future. im sending love and kindness and hope that you can find some empowerment in this process

 

[Casey_03]

My "No" was never enough for him, he was jealous of my academic results, constantly put me down, had anger issues and I miss him? What is wrong with me?

That's actually normal. Even in abusive relationships, it's normal to still mourn the bond you once had with the abuser. It's even harder to process, because there are so many conflicting emotions. Don't beat yourself up over missing him. That's standard procedure. DO, however, continue to remind yourself of what a jerk he was.

And I agree with @hodge - give yourself some time. There's no need to move on right away. In fact, I tend to think people who do that have emotional issues. And judging by what you've said about this guy, he does indeed have some major emotional issues, and will probably soon be treating his new girlfriend just as terribly as he did you.

Reflect on and examine the feelings you still have for him, and let yourself feel, but at the same time keep reminding yourself that the good traits you liked him for are nothing in comparison to his abusive side. There will be other guys with the same positive traits who WON'T be abusive.

 

[Justmehere]

I don't think you are insane. I also don't think it's just about getting over just him.

Break-ups are really hard in the best of circumstances. It's even harder when we already struggle with not being well supported by family and friends. When we don't have much safe connection and support from others, and already struggle with self worth - which you have posted about here - losing what connection is there is even harder. It allows all those other issues to surface.

Truama bonding is super powerful. Abused women will return to abusive relationships (or find a replacement) on average 7 times more than women who are not being abused by their partner. It is harder to break off a trauma bonded relationship than it is one without any trauma - and it's harder for trauma survivors to break it off with jerks they end up in relationships with than it is for them to stick to the healthy relationships.

It's my guess that this relationship was a little bit of a trauma rennactment in your life, yet another person who devalued and used you, ignored your boundaries, and manipulated you - and that's why you fell so hard and fast for him. It really wasn't about him. It might be more about the unresolved trauma of the past. It might be why you stayed even when he was a jerk to you. Trauma victims sometimes seek out relationships with new abusers to try and re-do the past and for other reasons not fully understood by psychologists. (I do this ALL THE TIME - and it's taken a lot of work for me to begin to break the cycle.) I'm very slow to trust and connect in relationships. But if they somehow remind me of a past abuser (usually on a subconscious level). If they are at all like a past abuser, I am like a fly to poisonous honey. Then when it falls apart, as it always does, the grief and pain is compounded by the fact that it really wasn't just about them, it was about the past, and the past is stirred up in all the grief too. It will seem like it's all about the person in my present, but through a lot of work, I have learned it's not all about them. I have also learned that if I am really attracted to someone, I have to take it even more slowly because it might actually be a trauma rennactment thing.

Trauma rennactments - falling hard for jerks - doesn't make you or me a bad person. It doesn't make the bad behavior of the jerk your or my fault.

It's simply a sign that there is more to process and resolve than just this relationship and just this horrible experience.

I'm so sorry he used you. It wasn't your fault or because there is anything wrong with you. He's an ass and only he is responsible for being an ass. Be kind to you. Don't judge yourself or be hard on yourself for struggling to get through this. Doing that actually makes us more vulnerable to stay stuck in the cycle.

Disagree with his crap and give back all this blaming to him. He and past abusers and jerks in your life - they want you to feel like there is something horribly wrong with you. THAT'S NOT TRUE. You have been traumatized and you do have a real struggle, but you are not broken or insane or any of the other negative self images about you that you have expressed about you here on the forums. You went through really tough traumas and you are trying to work it through, and that's part of why you may have ended up falling for him and are struggling to let go now. It will get better. You have tremendous insight and strength, more than you perhaps believe you have.

It's ok to be sad and grieve and struggle to let go. It's good to reach out for support wherever you can find healthy support, and to take what space you need for you too. It may not take years this time to find a new relationship this time. I've seen you make amazing strides before, based on your forum posts, even when it seemed hopeless. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Even without trauma reenactments in the picture and the horrible bind of being drawn to people who end up being jerks, break ups suck. They really do. :hug:

 

[SGT1209]

I know that this is the question I need to be asking myself and have been doing it for the last 2+ m...

Hi J_trustno1, nothing is wrong with you or how you are feeling, or the time you will take to grieve, and move forward It's all as individual as each of us are). I was told I allowed them to - gave them the power to do so (the detective even told me 'they were just playing a game with you' - bs!). You are a better, caring, loving person than they are, they wanted to control you, nothing more. They hang around until the next person comes along and you are left with the aftermath. It's not love, we think it is because subconsciously we are comfortable - it is all we have known, and it hurts..we trusted and believed in ourselves, and another in our life - and they manipulated us (abused us) for their selfish needs. Talk to your T...I'm doing CPT for this...I am finding the therapy is eye-opening, emotional, exhausting, and a relief to know that someone is seriously helping me with this and I just have to commit to the process and do my homework - I am determined to get through this and not have it continually dragging me down... I have depression with the other as well. Be grateful they moved on, and you have the opportunity to be the master of your own life and the path you would like to create and take for yourself...grab hold of the reins and take the control back (over yourself)...and look to rebuilding your self esteem, your future, your way... it's sounds daunting and will take time. (p.s. learn to see the 'red flags', I had plenty early in the relationship - however, I kept the rose-coloured glasses on way too long, and denied to myself so much of it). Hope this helps, in some small way............take care x

 

[brae]

p.s. learn to see the 'red flags', I had plenty early in the relationship

this. seriously such an intensely important and difficult part of abuse recovery. its def a process hey. ahh its so rough especially when u look back and recognise that u intuitively felt the red flag but denial kicked in and kept those rose coloured glasses on anyway ...

 

[Friday]

I've heard that he's moved on already, he has a new girlfriend who is gorgeous and yet he was telling me he "loved me"? It feels I am replaced with someone new better looking. But why did he treat me bad?

Why is someone we broke up with for being an asshole, still being an asshole? Because they're an asshole. Breaking up with someone doesn't change who they are. It changes our having to deal with them.

Why do you still have feelings for him? Why do you still have feelings for your abusive family? Being treated badly doesn't mean we stop feeling. The heart just doesn't work that way. That's why love is never "enough". There has to be waaaaaaay more than just love, to stay with someone. In fact, if love is all there is? It's a reason to not walk, but run, as far and fast from a relationship as possible. It's the single biggest hallmark of an abusive relationship that I know of; when love is the only reason to stay. Nope. There should be about a zillion reasons to stay. Love only 1 of them. And, having left? Love takes awhile -in most cases- to get on board with the "Oh. Right. No."

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks guys. Yes you are right that I ignored the red flags and kept thr rose colored glasses on when I was getting attention from him in belief that life is feeling good after all after all the childhood trauma and abuse. I was wrong for denying everything and let him manipulate and use me for his ways.

His new gf is pretty and he's using exact same tricks to get on with her. I feel ugly and a replacement tbh. I have gained 4 kg after this relationship due to lack of self care and still struggling with insomnia and migraines :cry: :cry: :(

 

[yes]

I am in the same boat. He was outside my home on last Thursday just to wave his new woman in my face. All I want is to forget him. I want him out of my head. I suffered sexual abuse too among other things.

It must end one day.:(

 

[NatBird]

I don't think you are insane. I also don't think it's just about getting over just him.

Break-ups a...

@Justmehere thanks. This is a really helpful post. I struggle with this too. Seven years since the relationship in my case. Only in the last year have I started to acknowledge properly that it was no good. I took all the responsibility and thought I was the horrible abusive one because of the ptsd meltdown I had during the relationship. I'm just starting to get a felt sense of the power in trauma bonding. It's also hard when the person isn't obviously abusive. In fact they are the innocent, charming, caring, kind, fragile and helpful one or at least very good at presenting that.

@J_trustno1 thanks for starting this thread. I can relate to what you're experiencing. I think it is good to take time to process the feelings before moving on and great that you are having the feelings. In my own case I didn't have any feelings about it for years and this partially supported a slide into avoidance around relationships.
I don't know if you have therapy but maybe you could begin to process some of the feelings there as well as here?
Also I am just learning that I really loved the person and it was a loss and there is grieving that too which comes in waves and takes it own sweet time.
Hope I didn't hi jack your thread with too much of my stuff. Just relating. Wishing you all the best with this. I hear how challenging it is right now.