Why Am I Not Over Him?

[J_trustno1]

Thanks for the replies. I'm really in a bad mental space now that I don't understand how to control my emotions anymore. I'm starting to share way too much of my personal life to acquaintances that I am feeling left vulnerable. :cry: :(

 

[SGT1209]

Thanks for the replies. I'm really in a bad mental space now that I don't understand how to control...

Hi J_trustno1, I still have the insomnia, migraines - had for months - only recently lessened to headache now and again - I started to eat more - (always healthy foods, but yes an occasional 'treat'...).. the emotions - I keep telling myself I have to 'go with the flow with them' (I am reminded that emotions change like the waves in the ocean - and yes I am tired of it)..and that's ok when I am at home...and when about to attempt sleep - that's my worst time (i want to 'shut off' but my mind wont allow until exhaustion takes over, albeit for an hour or two)...I realised that along with all the thoughts, my crying makes the migraines worse...so I tried and now when needed do the breathing technique to ground me... meditation music is good too. As for sharing with 'acquaintances'...reality for me is I wont, not with family either, no way (they left; or as the articles on here explain - they leave anyway). We are better off being our own friend and learning to self-care, create and practice firm boundaries, and create our own life (basically, wise words from my one true friend - 'insert expletive here' everyone else, this is my time for me, and no-one enters my world unless I say so), I am so 'over' being vulnerable. I only divulge my personal life to my T's (x2) now - I want and need to get this sorted - I suppose, somehow, I found my motivation - the existence I have is not (for me) the quality of life I want, maybe I wont get there - but be damned if I wont do my best to try. No-one else needs to know how bad, ashamed, guilty etc etc I feel...I no longer will give them (the abusers, incl family, or so-called acquaintances) the satisfaction of knowing just how much I have had to deal with and how awful it all makes me feel. Stay strong J.....and I know you are. Thank you for sharing this thread x

 

[Anarchy]

^^^^ Wot they said. JMH in particular:hug::hug:.

I've been covering a lot of this sort of stuff in my own therapy

I strongly agree with JMH about unconscious re-enactments (and your sub conscious will be looking for opportunities to engineer even more re-enactments - beware!!!).

I'll also add that what you are experiencing is probably triggered by the abuse and the rejection of this jerk, but the worst hurt is probably a flashback to all of the earlier and repeated traumatic rejections and humiliations which you have suffered, It's probably not specifically for him.

Regarding looks - they're subjective, so please don't beat yourself up (that's probably a re-enactment of a global "I'm not good enough" as well)

I'm sorry that he is flaunting new gf. no person deserves to be treated as badly as he will treat her.

 

[Geez]

Be happy there's a new girl and hope it lasts. This will give you time to move on. After an intense relationship the brain takes time to break the addiction in the same chemical imbalance of a drug user. You think it's all love but unfortunately a lot will be addiction.

Rebuild your self-esteem and realise that there are non-abusive men out there for you. He has an illness. You can't shoulder the burden alone.

 

[J_trustno1]

He's blocked me on Facebook last night and we had no contact in the last 2 months. I don't get blocking after such a long time.

 

[Sideways]

I'm sure there are great things about Facebook, but facebooking exes rarely leads to good things. And if I kept a Facebook account, I'd probably block someone who had charged me with a sexual offence. That isn't a criticism, just the reality. He's not likely to be keen on advertising that (or you) to people who don't know the situation.

As for why this is still torturing you - thinking about your other thread? It makes a lot of sense to me. In your mind, you're still the "bad" person because of what he did. Until you start to heal that emotional pain, your brain isn't seeing him as a bad guy. At the moment, he's still the guy that was interested in you on an intimate level, and if everything is your fault and he's done nothing wrong, then why wouldn't you miss having him around?

It takes time. Time is one of the key ingredients to healing and it sucks that we can't just make it happen faster, but your brain has been traumatised and needs some time and care to heal. It may be really (like, REALLY!!) helpful for that process if you removed him from your life. Don't keep tabs on what he's doing - let your brain assign him to the past. That will make it safer for your brain to confront the truth: that he is a monster who abused you. As long as he's still there? Your brain will keep the status quo: I must be the bad person, I'm the one at fault.

You've been sexually abused. Your brain, your mind, has taken an absolute battering. Give your brain some gentle time out, without throwing reminders of your abuser at it.

Thoughts are with you.

 

[J_trustno1]

But I haven't even contacted him in the last 2 months and I don't get the whole idea of blocking. I know that I need to move on but I still have feelings for him :( :cry:. I know that he's over me and it's good for him. I also need to do the same because it's none of my business what he does and with who he does because he was not healthy for me. But I am struggling to let go of him.

Why didn't he block me on the day I put charges on him and why did it take him 2 months?

 

[Sideways]

It gets easier. It's painfully slow, but it does get easier. We can't just flick a switch and turn off our feelings. Try and remember that this is a guy who forced himself on a person, physically overpowering them despite their protests. The happy regular guy that you see in selfies on Facebook? Don't be fooled - that is not who he is.

You will get through this. You will reach a point where you know how much better you deserve.

 

[Ann Barry]

I know that this is the question I need to be asking myself and have been doing it for the last 2+ m...

Congrats that you reported an abuser. Sorry you are in such despair. Four years ago, I was in similar situation. Personality Disorder of some kind?
Typical Narcissist will live-out relationship in 3 phases: Elevate [luv-bomb]; Devalue [verbal abuse & smear campaign] & Discard. You got rid of him
before he discarded you. Yea!
He is/was User & Abuser. You did the smart thing. If he is a narcissist/sociopath then he likes your pain. Think about that.
It takes right INFO & on-going Support to have your heart & body chemistry catch up with your sound reason. I could NOT understand it either - WHY & HOW could I miss him!? I was confused, angry at him & angry at myself & very, very grieved - anxiety, depression, insomnia, obsessive thinking TRYING to understand
him, the relationship, myself. Discovering narcissism/borderline behavior in relationships was a huge first step to my healing. That ended my confusion & the paralysis of analysis. Then gradually my body chemistry calmed down & my heart slowly mended.
Yep, regular attachment to another & "trauma bond" & withdrawal [like from an addiction] - his narcissism & my codependence. It was not easy or quick. I now know all the signs of personality disorders & will be on the look out for those signs in future relationships. Working on my issues until then. I wish you peace.

 

[Pakadlangitok]

So painful to read because I know this feeling. My brain is so sick it baffles me sometimes. "Brain, I know you are doing your best, but why do you go to places over and over and torment the rest of this mind and body? You, my dear Brain, are ill. Listen to Reason, if you can."

Sometimes (often) I hate my brain.