Why Am I So Angry And Emotional

[andy seery]

I retired from a long police career last year which was nothing less than a roller coaster. I still see the faces of the dead and dying and the ones I couldnt save never mind the numerous stabbings and injuries I endured. I also lost my first child and was caught in a very volitile relationship which finally broke the camels back. I eventually caused severe injury to myself by hanging and was diagnosed with PTSD in 2004 as well as being locked up for my troubles.....to ever get back to work was nothing less than a miracle and I beat all the doubters although it was always an uphill fight.

No one ever really dealt with my emotions, I was given tablets but never really helped until about 2010 when the service eventually sent me for EMDR treatment. I recall a woman just tapping my legs constantly asking me questions that caused pain and tears but every time she pushed me to the edge....I felt like a bottle of champagne waiting to burst and would pull away. The counsellor said I was doing well after 2 to 3 sessions but then an intrusive Inspector began to interfere and treatment was stopped. I was told I needed to get angry to move forwards but the plug was pulled and I was just left to get on with things.

I left the service and several months ago met a beautiful woman who I adore, we have been almost inseparable and so close but I have had 4 outbursts of anger which have never once been volitile or physical and last night I said things I know I shouldnt of as well as bashed my head on a wall and now I know I have lost her. The arguement was so petty but I felt so threatened that I was being chastised for something I didnt do that I hit back the only way I know through my stupid gob. Im hearbroken ive lost the best thing in my world, I have tried to ask her for support but she has refused. I do so much for others and raised over 1 million for sick kids and injured troops but I dont seem to know how to fix myself.

Yes I have contemplated the very selfish action of suicide but still rational enough to know its not a fair thing to do but I feel so helpless and tearful I really dont know where to turn?

 

[littlelostchild]

I am sorry to hear you are in so much pain and confusion right now.

Is there a way you can access therapy? It sounds like the EMDR was just getting started when you had to stop and it doesn't sound like you have had any other continuing therapy.

Many of us take out our anger on our loved ones and on ourselves. You bashed your head on the wall and that is harming yourself, so I encourage you to seek help.

A great starting point is your GP. Your family doctor will be able to refer you to someone who can help you understand your PTSD and help you develop strategies that are healthy when you get angry or have other strong emotions.

Be well and be gentle to yourself.

 

[Friday]

I know that 6mo-2years post retirement is a suicide danger zone for even neurotypical people.

I know that those of us in certain fields (military, first response, emergency medicine) / on the adrenaline junkie side of PTSD... are at high risk for explosive anger, or substance abuse to numb out those emotions.

I know that those of us who help or take care of others as a job or vocation are all but constitutionally incapable of accepting help from others (even when we've broken down enough to look for it) unless we're half bullied and half joked into it.

I know a helluva lot. But I don't know how to fix myself. The best I know is the difference of what my life looks like when I'm doing well and when I'm flat out on my face.

____

When I'm doing well, I'm taking out my explosive anger on a bag or by friendly sparring. The half serious kind where you're laughing/smiling or just "okay" at the end. And yeah, that's both physical out on the mats, and verbal follies back and forth. There's an art form to brushing your teeth with gunpowder in the morning so you can shoot your mouth off in the right time and place. The deal with both, though, is that they're measured. No one gets hurt. So whether it's in little volleys back and for hall day long, or periodic bouts with a bag or on the mats... That steam has a place to vent to. I'm not at risk for boiling over.

DumbF that I am, I married someone who isn't okay with that kind of release. That's one of the many many reasons why things ended very badly after a decade. (Probably not the way you're thinking, though. My ex was allowed to get angry, but I wasn't. So guess who ended up strangled with the fractured skull? Yep. That would be this idiot, right here. I'm really, really stupid. Never never never marry someone who is afraid of your temper if you're in the protection racket. Cause you'll either destroy yourself, if they're a saint, or they'll destroy you if they aren't. Everyone gets angry, and needs a safe & healthy outlet... And those of us on the adrenaline side of PTSD tend to have more anger than most. If your safe & healthy outlet isn't "okay" for someone else? I've learned that no matter how much I like them, I need to walk.)

When I'm doing crap I'm keeping everything bottled in (literally or figuratively) until it explodes outward. Either on others*, or more usually? On myself, even if it looks like its on someone else. Whether that's picking a fight outside of my weight class*, or lacing up my running shoes and pushing myself to the point of injury, or busting my hands.

I'm doing crap right now, depending on outside sources to keep me happy, because I'm not doing the things I know I need to be doing to be okay. I need to head back to the bag, the shooting range, the gym. But I've got superglue on my ass at the moment.

What are the things you do for yourself when you're doing okay?