Why Am I Struggling So Much?

[GWhizz]

Okay this may seem like a really obvious/common question and I know I've posted similar threads but I really feel unable to commit to therapy.

Does that mean I may not be ready? Does it mean I'm avoidant?

I haven't been in about 2 weeks. Firstly it's costing me so much and I feel like I've made no improvements in about 8 months of attending. Secondly, I've had such strong suicidal ideation and all my other life pressures are not resolving so it just seems too much to cope with and so futile at times.

My T left the last session open. We usually make an appt at the end of a session but she knew I wanted to just get out of there the last time. So she asked me to call her to make the appt. I still haven't. She usually texts and I guess part of me feels let down that she hasn't. I know this is probably transference but I want to know she cares enough to see it through too. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a pain to her. I really don't know what to do.

I'm currently on my 1st of 3 weeks of nightshifts. I really don't sleep well during the day so I'm afraid I'm going to be really depressed working these nights. But it also gives me no time to attend therapy even if I had the money or will to go.

 

[scout86]

I don't know what it means. It could mean a lot of things.

My T suggests that I not ask "Why?". He says I can ask him, if I absolutely have to, but that there might be better ways to phrase the question. He doesn't want me asking myself "why?" at all, because most of the time there is no answer to those kinds of questions and, again, it's not a good question. When you ask other people, he says it too often comes off as "Why did you do that?" which usually isn't taken the way you mean it.

So, the answer to your question is floating around somewhere in your own head. You may not have run across it yet, or you may be avoiding it, or maybe something I haven't thought of.

A couple observations. You've probably noticed a fair number of threads on here where people mention that they feel like they are "stuck", "not making progress", not making ENOUGH progress, etc. I've sure noticed it. And also a fair number of posts from people who don't think they are making as much progress as their T thinks, or as others think. The message I take away from that is that sometimes, when we're in the middle of all this, we can't always TELL whether or not we're making progress.

What might you "not be ready" for? To commit to therapy? Would there be a better time to do that? Do you think you can beat this all by yourself? Are you content with your life the way it is?

Avoidant? Probably! It's part of the package and I think we'd all rather avoid things, at least part of the time.

As far as what your T is up to, I'm not sure. (You might ask.) But here's a theory. Maybe she's waiting for you to "commit to therapy". She's kind of offered you a choice, stay or go. I'm sure she wants you to stay, but I'm also sure she wants you to stay because YOU want to, not because she talked you into it. I don't KNOW what she's doing, mind you. When I look at the situation from here, I'm reminded of numerous situations, with numerous scared horses, where I offered them the choice between hanging out with me and running off, and then waited, holding my breath and praying they'd take the step. But it needed to be THEIR step, you know? Sometimes, they took the step (I never asked until I was pretty sure it was a reasonable possibility). Sometimes they didn't & then they'd spend another 5 minutes, or 10, or 20, or an hour, or whatever, running around the round pen, getting ready to do it.

So, you have 3 weeks of night shifts to think about this, I guess. Do you think you're ok the way you are? Do you think you can get "better" without therapy? Do you think you have the right therapist?

 

[Hashi]

What are your expectations of therapy? What are you willing to go through in order to benefit?

I'm going to be honest and say that what I wonder about is that you might not be avoiding therapy but skirting around it. Sort of doing it but not doing it.

If you feel it's going to take a commitment you aren't going to give - for whatever reason, and it might be a very good reason - the bottom line is that there's no point.

We can't say what to decide. Only you can do that, by being brutally honest with yourself. If you think your therapist can help you, then the question is are you willing to be helped? And willing to do the work? Not "ready", which I'd be very wary of using. What is "ready", and why would you already be seeing a therapist if you aren't "ready"? What would have to change to make you "ready" if you aren't "ready" now? Is that change likely to happen of it's own accord? When?

There's also the question of whether this is the right therapist. Again, only you can know that. Other people can comment, but only you can know.

Since this isn't the first time you've posted about similar issues, I wonder what you're hoping for now that you haven't got before. Is there something you're hoping someone will say? If so, could that be what you're thinking but don't want to recognise?

If someone responded "Stop going", how would you feel? If someone responded "It's not the right therapist", or "It's not the right approach/focus for you at this moment" how would you feel? If someone responded "Keep going", how would you feel? If someone responded "Talk to your therapist about what you've written here" how would you feel?

 

[Suzetig]

I don't know about it being transference, your feelings are your feelings and its ok to be disappointed ( or whatever you feel) about your therapist not texting you. In fairness though, I wouldn't expect her to if you had left the last session open - she'll likely be waiting to see if you want to continue working with her. I know I have a very boundaries relationship with my therapist, with no contact between sessions other than for scheduling so therapists texting or emailing feels quite foreign to me.

In terms of being ready to do the work, only you can answer that question. I know I've pushed and pulled my therapist over the past 8 months while I swithered between doing the work or not - fear being the thing that led me back. Now we're working on things slowly but surely, at my pace and its scary as hell but worth it. I hope you can make a decision that you're at peace with, you deserve to be at peace.

 

[ghotiff]

You stopped therapy for a short time a while ago. Did it help or not. My memory is that you felt "worse" but maybe my memory is wrong?

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks for all the comments. Yes I did take a few breaks here and there which is my point. I'm going back and forth so frequently and that in itself is an obstacle to progression I know. It's like part of me wants to commit but part of me feels bad that I'm 'telling' something I've promised myself not to disclose ever. I sometimes feel so much worse and more guilty when I've told my T some of the trauma. I also do not know if she is the right fit. I guess I'm still testing the waters in that regard. I agree she is waiting for me to commit - she has voiced this so many times. She made an agreement that it is okay to contact outside of therapy and even wants to set up specific times that I can call/text/email so that I do not self blame for feeling as though I'm breaking a boundary or annoying her. I just feel reliant on her and I know it is true - I can't go it alone - but I get annoyed and feel let down by myself that I am not coping so well by myself. My T said it's the child part of me that wants the nurturing etc and the child in me that texts her etc for support when I'm feeling low. But I then get angry at myself for texting. This is one of the reasons I've fought myself the past 2wks not to contact her - sounds crazy right?!

I really just want to live my life now and let the past go. I guess some part of me naively still believes it's easier to ignore it than work through it. Yes I know - the box can't be closed now it's open. But I'm still struggling accepting and coming to terms with the reality of it all and it's implications on my current life

 

[Tinyflame]

Could it be the more 'adult' self is actually the one who texts, if \what is learned & practised as a child on is to not ask for help or not tell?

Best wishes @GWhizz . :hug:

 

[GWhizz]

Could it be the more 'adult' self is actually the one who texts, if \what is learned & practised as a child on is to not ask for help or not tell?

Best wishes @GWhizz . :hug:

I don't know though I think I come across quite juvenile to my T! I just text her finally to tell her I have to break anyway due to working nights at the moment and finances. She told me to come back when I want and am able to. She'll be going away next month anyway so I guess I have plenty of time to think it through. At the same time, I don't know how I'm going to cope not being able to go either :-S