DID Why are we all so afraid of d.i.d.?

[Sandstone]

And, I suppose, the sense that we are "crazier" than other people. Or the acknowledgement of lack of control of our bodies, our memories

It is an acknowledgement that I am further from reality than I'd like to be. It makes my mind a less reliable tool to save myself with. And what else do I have?

I want to be reliable to myself. The fear comes from knowing that I am not, and from having admit it. Just yesterday I was ironing, and half way through realised that the iron wasn't hot enough. I found it was switched off at the socket. That means that while I thought I was just plodding gently from garment to garment, I stopped, walked over to the socket and turned it off, then came back and carried on, not knowing what I had done. There is no sense or reason in it, and it scares me. How often do I do that sort of thing? How would I know that I had? It seems wholly reasonable to be afraid.

 

[FireSign8]

Just a clarification for whatever it's worth:

An altar is the holy place at which one kneels, prays,...

@Hope4Now, It's all about change. Alt. But thanks for the general textbook version.

 

[FireSign8]

It is an acknowledgement that I am further from reality than I'd like to be. It makes my mind a less...

@Sandstone, I once realized that it was me who was hiding my keys & started using duct tape to give my mind a prompter that someone else was trying to take over the ship. It worked for awhile. Then I discovered that if I put my keys on a carabineer clip & hooked it to the drawer pull on the dresser by my bed, that by the time I got it unhooked, I had awoken completely & with time, this behavior stopped. I still do it with laundry. I find my dirty socks in the damnedest of places, but my keys are no longer disappearing! So, if I can find a way, perhaps you can too. Experiment. I was thinking Velcro or a motion sensor that uses movement to turn on a radio or squirt a person with water to give them a jolt back to their true selves?

 

[Sandstone]

But how would I know what to booby trap? How can I tell what I might do next?

I think the answer must lie in some long term resolution, but short term I'm not sure what to do.

 

[FireSign8]

But how would I know what to booby trap? How can I tell what I might do next?

I think the answer mus...

So, if I understand this correctly (or not), you sort of zoned out as you were ironing & don't remember anything that happened until the iron went cold? Is there any possibility a breaker got overloaded & switched the iron off without your own hand actually doing it? In the US, many of us have outlets with GFI's (Ground Fault Interrupters?) that automatically trip if the circuit gets overloaded. Do you have those where you live? In other words, I would not assume the worst without investigating the obvious for the iron to go off as it did.

If you have a counselor or therapist, maybe you can ask them for ideas on how to cope with your fear of zoning out & not knowing what is coming next. We all have different things that set us off & I know that staying on a ridged schedule, getting proper sleep, eating correctly & avoiding stress is the only way I seem to be able to hold it together without meds or a therapist. But, I have had a lot of years to work it out. I read a lot too. I have had to eliminate most movies & hardly ever turn on the television when the sun is shining.

I wouldn't exactly call it booby trapping...just insurance for yourself to stay safe & aware of what's what. I seem to remember a time that I left myself notes on mirrors & doors & those notes were harsh warnings like, "Stay away, or Sherry will get you for messing with her stuff. She has a camera in every room & her helpers will rat on you!". I know it sounds nuts, but this squirrel took those nuts of advice & things calmed down for many years. You know what you like, so start there & try a note or a card in a sealed envelope with your name on it & see if it magically gets opened while you are the only person in the house.:hug:

 

[Sandstone]

UK sockets are individually switched, like the one at Dead Link Removed
So I had to actively stop ironing, walk round the ironing board, bend down to the socket, turn it off, come back and continue, without knowing I'd done it. Having found that I had done it, I still have absolutely no recollection of the action. At a more extreme level, I have found a full size chest of drawers moved out of place. I didn't do that absent mindedly, it took effort.

In the context of this thread, the scary thing for me is knowing that I can compartmentalise my mind to that extent, without knowing that I have done it. It is more than zoning out, it is a complete partition of the mind. My tag is DDNOS, not DID, but I think this experience is the same. It is alarming that I don't know what I could do, and that I don't know what I have blocked from my mind.

 

[Friday]

In the context of this thread, the scary thing for me is knowing that I can compartmentalise my mind to that extent, without knowing that I have done it. It is more than zoning out, it is a complete partition of the mind. My tag is DDNOS, not DID, but I think this experience is the same. It is alarming that I don't know what I could do, and that I don't know what I have blocked from my mind

Being ADHD... That's been my whole life. I can buy a ticket at the kiosk at the cinema, have the ticket in my hand, walk 10 feet... And the ticket is gone. A dilligent search by myself and 4 friends find said ticket tucked in a book, in my backpack. So, between buying the ticket and walking 10 feet? I unslung my backpack, opened it, pulled a book out, placed the ticket inside, zipped my backpack back up, and put it back on. All without noticing it, NOR having any of the friends I was with notice me doing it. My arm was still sticking out, Fingers held together as if I'm still holding the ticket.

That's a fairly minor example, but just one of typically several dozen over the course of a day.

Different disorder? Yup. But disassociation is a cornerstone of it. It's integral in both hypo (dispersed attention) & hyperfocus (the world falls away, except for the single thing -simple or complex- that you're focusing on. From sports to typing away on a work assignment, whilst the klaxon fire alarms are blaring and not snapping out of it until the firefighter is shaking you by the shoulder. Then? It's a combo of clamping your hands over all but bleeding ears, while doing a mad race to the bathroom -ignoring the evacuation- because it's been 15+ hours since you've peed, but there are 2 empty 2 liter soda bottles on your desk. That weren't there when you sat down. So not only was working for 5 minutes (15 hours) without being aware of the passage of time, but had also (at some point) fetched yourself drinks? Or had someone brought them? No clue! There's a whole lot of "backtracking", with ADHD. Okay, how could this have happened? Test theory. Nope. Test a few more hypothesis. Find out what probably happened. Or not).

DID is super rare, DDNOS somewhat less, but ADHD is super common at roughly 4% - 6% of the population. So if it makes you feel any better? Roughly 300 million people on the planet are staring at their iron asking themselves why the f*ck they unplugged it, whilst in the middle of using it??? And when? And how long have they been ironing without heat? And :banghead: Sigh. Okay. Plug it back in. Start over. (Or give it up as a bad job, and send laundry out for cleaning/ironing).

Meaning? Less something to be afraid of, & more just something to figure out how to work-around, with, & through it. :)

 

[Hope4Now]

DID is super rare

Much rarer than ADHD, but about 1-3% which is not extremely rare. About the same as bipolar. And, apparently, I may have all three...so what's the chance of that? Am gearing up for the neuropsych that will say yes or no to ADHD.

I think (???) I understand your point to be that lots of people have problems caused by focus, memory for behavior, and time continuity, and that we have to find ways in our lives to accommodate for it as best we can, and to forgive ourselves for it, and even, if we can, to laugh about it when no harm is done (e.g., some part of me went grocery shopping the other day...the selections were not at all what I'd had in mind to make soup and salad. LOL. It was funny. No harm done. I put stuff back and started over.) Sometimes, if we're lucky, meds and therapy can help heal it.

 

[FireSign8]

@Sandstone- Friday gave a better explanation than I ever could have. After reading it, I have to tell you that I just realized I have been dealing with things of this nature since I was a child & the way I dealt with it was to come to the belief that it was spirits & things I could not see who were doing these things through me & using my body to get things done that I had no way of stopping...so, I learned to embrace "them" & show them the respect to keep them happy enough not to kill me in my sleep. I sort of had to educate "them" & show them that I was willing to assist if they, in turn, would show me respect & honor my wishes to not awaken me with requests, or get me to do stupid shit out in public.

I keep to myself because of my seemingly endless conversations with "them". Sounds a bit crazy to some, I'm sure, but it worked for me & I got over that fear that you speak of & just got on with my life. I learned to forgive myself for those "mistakes" that I had no memory of ever doing. Then I learned to laugh about it & the world got a little brighter for me. I don't want meds to take away my connection with the unseen world & this is why I have stayed away from Therapists for many years. My fear is with change, institutions & forced medication again. Once was enough. Twice was too much & a 3rd time will surely be the end of my time on this earth. I like it here.

I will have to research the meaning of DDNOS when I get time tomorrow. Loved this post & replies. It really got my mind to think of stuff I have hidden for many years. Thanks:)

 

[Ronin]

Honestly I think people just like predictable & understandable and for a lot of people, D.I.D. presents in ways that aren't either.

Then there's the whole lot of misrepresentations & misconceptions, but that's secondary, primary is just the comfort of change and stability without it. Human traits, not even about mental illness, much less a highly specific one like D.I.D.

As to personal fears? The trauma it stems from. I legit have issues contextualizing myself, my thoughts and actions and meaning of anything, without anchoring in relations / without having other people as someone to mind and orient myself by. The time I started heckuva lot D.I.D. things was as a captive child, a way to deal with imminent death and find some solace if I can't go for survival. It's so darned polarizing and stress spiking when I'm with that one disorder, alone. Reality breaks apart.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Many of the individuals I have encountered with a DID dx, happen to be artistically and spatially creative and have a higher than ave. IQ.

I once had a therapist describe my intelligence as both a protective (as it usually is seen) snd a risk factor ...

Much rarer than ADHD, but about 1-3% which is not extremely rare. About the same as bipolar.

I think this is important. There is a mythology about the "rareness" of DID that isn't true - historically, it was seen as rare, but increasingly is recognized as relatively prevalent in the general populous.

Honestly I think people just like predictable & understandable and for a lot of people, D.I.D. presents in ways that aren't either.

Then there's the whole lot of misrepresentations & misconceptions, but that's secondary, primary is just the comfort of change and stability without it. Human traits, not even about mental illness, much less a highly specific one like D.I.D.

I want predictable, too. So I do understand this ....

 

[Powder]

I'm actually in agreement with Ronin, that the main bulk of fear felt in anything is the association with prior fear experiences.

Also, I'm wondering how much DID has to do with control, and lack of it. Since PTSD makes me feel out of control sometimes, and hard to regain it, then DID, when you are not even aware you've already lost control to some internal alter, who has wrested it from you, may be the ultimate feeling of betrayal and victimization, re-traumatizing? I think so. The times I feel most hijacked by my own mind are more terrifying than anything else.

In one trauma, I acting on what I recall as pure instinct, not choice, and have had many an hour trying to feel if it was a choice or not.

Now imagine that happening daily, hourly. I can't imagine.

Just what I did in one night will make me wonder for the rest of my life, perhaps.