Why Can't I Let It Go?

[olred1978]

I can watch the blood seeping from his freshly carved wounds similar to my own and I see his face begging for my help. I failed and it seems as tho I'm now forced to re-enter this hell as punishment for failing. It seems the harder I work at therapy to make sense of it all as well as attempt to put this behind me the more prevalent and severe my flashbacks become. They are getting worse and I am back where I started, how can I be going backwards? Even a year ago they weren't even half as severe. I feel physical pain more than ever during the trips to the past. How do I make it worse ? I made so much progress and now the symptoms are here ten fold of what they had been.

 

[BlueDream]

I am sorry you are going through this pain. I understand the feeling of going backwards. I wish I could give you some great advise, but just know you are not alone.

 

[kona355]

What is your T calling this feeling of going backward?

 

[olred1978]

What is your T calling this feeling of going backward?

I couldn't afford to keep going...

 

[Ronin]

I feel physical pain more than ever during the trips to the past.

Can you work on soothing the pain?
I found while it doesn't stop reliving nor memory lanes, it can be useful in noticing there's other elements up presently, and getting back to the now.

 

[olred1978]

Nothing really works scars burn like hell

 

[Gucci]

So sorry you can't continue therapy, and it sounds like your flashbacks are visceral and terrifying. The perception of 'regression' isn't uncommon, especially when you really start processing the emotional effects of trauma. At the beginning, it's hard to do because it's so overwhelming and your brain needs to establish a sense of safety/security as a kind of preparation to process trauma.
I haven't suffered such debilitating flashbacks but what I know is that it's critical to understand that you're actually in one, and that you have strategies to ground yourself once this happens so that you don't 'spin out' and feel completely disconnected to reality. I'd recommend a superb book by Pete Walker called "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving". He explains in great detail what's going on and how to handle invasive flashbacks. His web site also has excellent articles that elucidate clearly and with great empathy the mindset of PTSD and its horrendous effects. I found them extraordinarily helpful and comforting to read.
Self-compassion is key. PTSD folks are brutally hard on themselves and typically castigate themselves for not being able to 'get their shit together' despite tremendous anguish and suffering for a very long time. All the best in your arduous journey!