Why Can't I Talk?

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am trying to see it as a 'process' kind of thing, but it's like 2 parts of me are fighting eachother one wanting to heal, the other wanting to remain in control. I hope I can begin to trust the process better. I too struggled to talk for almost 4years as a child/adolescent, during the worst traumas - it's extra scary now feeling like I'm back there unable to speak out about it, unable to protect myself.

I didn't even realize that I wasn't "fighting the battle" any more but going through the "process" until you posted that. It took awhile and I still see it as a battle every now and then because sometimes it does feel that way. I can totally relate to the one part that wants to heal the other that wants to be in control. Only the part that wanted to be in control wasn't seeing that it was not in control any more!

She does always ask me 1st will I read it. She then asks can she read it aloud but I just can't face it so she reads it to herself then we talk a little about it but even that, I barely say much. I'm really hoping I can build my confidence

One time I took a paper to read when my therapist asked me to read it out loud. I went into full panic mode once I realized I couldn't read it. My therapist used to read back what I wrote out loud. I would dissociate when she did this. Now she reads it to herself, but she always asks if she can read it out loud. I never knew that other people struggled as much as I do and though I hate that other people are struggling, it is nice to feel not completely alone.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I have a very difficult time writing my trauma story. I also can barely speak of it. My T has suggested I write things down and bring them to his office where he'll put them in a box. I can forget about it until I am ready to talk about it. This speaking my truth has proven to be the greatest challenge I have faced. Well the abuse was the ultimate worse. It helps me to read how the rest of you deal. It so distressing and I'm very dissociative. All he wants me to focus on right now is to stay present in the therapy space. I'll tell you it is difficult.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@KwanYingirl - I am very dissociative, too. I spent the first few months avoiding any deep conversation. Staying present in therapy is a huge first step.

 

[Sarah2732]

All he wants me to focus on right now is to stay present in the therapy space. I'll tell you it is difficult.

So difficult! But a huge step to be willing to try.

@GWhizz
For what it's worth (not that you should try this, but just to share what my experience bridging the gap from written communication to verbal was) I used to take something in that I wanted to try and read, spend like 25-30 minutes in silence (my T was/is irritatingly good at using silence) trying to get up the courage to read it, then finally spending the 2 or 3 minutes reading it, and then the entire remaining time dissociated. Those sessions were horrible and so frustrating but, retrospectively, like the "bulldozer" sessions where lots of ground moved. There were many times I even booked a double session because I knew it would take that long to be able to get myself to speak, speak, and get somewhat grounded again.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Wow, @Sarah2732 , that is amazing.

 

[GWhizz]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve it is nice to know we're not alone with our struggles. It helps me feel a little less abnormal anyway!

@Sarah2732 thanks for that, it sounds really hard but that it was eventually a way forward for you

 

[RussH]

@GWhizz let me know when you start your diary. I want to support you, read your story, and yes, cry with you for what you suffered, but then I also want to dance with you and laugh with you when you start getting better.

 

[GWhizz]

Thank you @RussH - I will tag you when I find time to start it. Thanks for being so encouraging. It's great to know I have such understanding support. And it's inspiring to read and hear others journeys too.

I had my 1st day back yesterday. I really do love my colleagues and my job, but it's a stressful job and I had an emotional flashback on my lunchbreak in the canteen, but I was able to hold it together for the rest of the day. Hopefully, after this 1st week back, I'll feel more reintegrated

 

[KwanYingirl]

Good luck @GWhizz I'm glad to hear you like your colleagues. That's helpful.

 

[Laura 2]

but just to share what my experience bridging the gap from written communication to verbal was

This is a really good techinique. I stumbled on it by accident. But I'm afraid I don't do it as much as I could. The jumble of horrifying events sort of crowd in and blot everything else out.

But when I thought about this technique, it occurred to me that a) I get so wound down into a tight little package of tenseness where I can't even think but where somehow it seems that I sort of unconsciously assume people (ie. therapists, doctors) must know how I feel already and b) when I look at the most socially successful people I know, I can see that they actually use this technique as a matter of course in their interactions with others (though for quite ordinary, non-trauma situtations).

The unconscious assumption that Ts, docs etc know what I'm thinking/feeling is maybe based in years of being stalked and having ALL my personal and private details known by the stalker and then later by police and other authorities. My boundaries have been demolished in some important ways, there is very little about me that is unknown to the people involved. Does that make sense...?

 

[GWhizz]

Good luck @GWhizz I'm glad to hear you like your colleagues. That's helpful.

Yes I have been working there a good few years at least, so I get on great with most of them. I was sitting at lunch, about 5 of us, and thinking how cool it is having a great catch up with them again. Until I daydreamed off and had an overwhelming flashback. Anyone else here can't control their daydreaming? I do it in therapy too, I just lose focus very easily!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Oh, yes! I've always been a daydreamer and get caught in flashbacks. In therapy, I dissociate the minute my anxiety increases. It's like the dissociation prevents the flashback, but at work I have to be hyper focused and alert. I'm prone to flashbacks at work due to the nature of some of my traumas.

I feel like I waste so much time spaced out at therapy. I wanted to have EMDR which is why I chose this T I'm seeing now. It has been a year and I'm still not stable enough to have it. He always says 'first do no harm'. I learned on this site that EMDR can cause flooding, so he knows that and I'm not going to bug him about it any more