Why Can't Some Of Us Talk On The Forum?

[shimmerz]

I think she could get some relief for her current suffering if she would see that she is attacking herself.

I agree. And that is why I think that looking at how we victimize ourselves is an important piece here.

 

[Notsowild]

This is all too much for me to handle. I'm glad @joeylittle you are so bothered by me. I'm not really a human with real feelings. I loved what @Kas_Can_Fly can fly said... It explains what a sexual and physically abusive childhood can do and still do to you.

I'll leave now. Sorry I caused such problems here

 

[moonbeam]

You didn't cause problems. Just opened up an interesting discussion.

I had a physically and sexually abusive childhood and others have as well. I think the thing Joeylittle is trying to say is to watch how you speak to yourself and practice some self care. And to try and see others comments as an attempt to help not hurt.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Personally I'm reading the that @Notsowild is defensive -it has been pointed out to her in the past and now when she's feeling vulnerable, instead of opening up fearlessly (or at least relatively speaking) she's prefacing the core of the the matter with defensiveness, she now feels that the first reaction of others will be to attack her or criticise he rather than provide advice. Maybe she does need to be told that she's being too hard on herself or trapped in a negative cycle but the term "pity party" has been used against her and she finds it an upsetting term. Her attempts however to move away from this term by clearly telling other members this (as in the quotes posted) are turned back on to her - well your the one who keep mentioning it!

This thread was not solely about her experiences with the term but from all members across the board, again probably defensive to not feel alone in experiencing this horrible term. But again, people are ignoring her statement that she finds the term upsetting a detrimental factor to her health. She is being ignored and spoken over. This seems attacking, I certainly see it this way and so does she who really is the most important person in this scenario about her. If it wasn't before, a moderator bringing parts of her posts out of context and then everyone jumping on this as undeniable proof that she's in some way obsessed with the term. These posts feels very attacking and personal. It's precisely this find a member/post/thread and all join up and attack themy that is upsetting several users of this forum. It has been mentioned in many thread's here recently (probably several months, my time awareness is pretty off). Cliques are normal and healthy but what is happening is occasionally most of the board seems to jump on a single post/user and attack them it is becoming bullying and isolative of certain individuals whether they see it that way or not.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I seems harsh that a couple of members are talking about her as if she can't read this thread.You've decided on what she is feeling, despite blanketly ignoring what she's said throughout this entire thread. Stop talking and listen for a second first. It's incredibly distressing, even as an outsider to watch this gang mentality.

 

[moonbeam]

What? You just posted a long post using "her" and now you say its distressing to see a gang mentality?

I think the OP isn't the only one feeling this. And the only time I've said anything about her specifically it was to her.

Its not a gang mentality. Its people who care trying to convey that sometimes we feel judged when we aren't being. That we label ourselves as failures, or pitiful, or whatever and feed into our own despair and we are the only ones who can pull ourselves out of that funk.

I was judged harshly as a child for the food I ate. I was starved at times. And I wanted to eat a lot to cover for the days I wouldn't get to eat and to try and be ugly so they wouldn't find my interesting and would leave me alone. They didn't. I have worked on my relationship towards food but still feel very judged by it all the time. I even sometimes try to justify what I am eating to my husband. He doesn't care and has told me the only person judging me is me.

The point being made was that everyone can post here. And if we feel like we can't maybe we should be looking internally for a reason not externally. And evidence was brought up to show the OP that she needs to practice some self care and not think we are judging when we aren't.

Nothing said in this thread was intended to harm.

 

[joeylittle]

@Kas_Can_Fly, none of the context was ignored for anything I quoted. I eliminated all the surrounding text at her request. If you would like to see how much kindness and attempting to help is displayed in those threads, you should go and read them.

I am truly, truly sorry for having made things harder for the OP. I did not think it would be an easy thing for her to recognize, but I was really hopeful that when she saw that she was distorting the inciting incident as well as then magnifying it to the point where she truly believed that many people were targeting her - I thought it might help her at least remember that theres been more good than bad - and that she's throwing stones at herself.

All us moderators take seriously the part of our job that is about being an exemplary member of the community. I have thought carefully about everything I've posted in this thread. I'm not sure what should happen to the things I've posted, and whether or not I've been a poor staff member here. I'll report myself so someone else can decide.

But speaking as a member, I stand behind everything I've said. And it has not been done with the intention to hurt. Intention isn't everything, but it's something. So if I've royally f*cked up here, it honestly was by accident.

edit to add: I'm referring to notsowild as"op" and "her" in an attempt to be respectful and not alert her to my posts, because I understand she doesn't want to read them - which is absolutely her right. I think I've said what I need to say about my motivation, and I'm going to step back from posting in the thread. Tone is hard to convey - but im not upset, angry, frustrated, or judgemental in any way regarding anything being said here.

 

[Notsowild]

I am on the sensitive end of the spectrum. Sounds like you and @Notsowild are too.
Sensitivity is a personality trait and won't change, nor should we try to change it lest we lose who we are. The inability to handle criticism is an overlay due to being put down too much in childhood, and that part of it we can work on. It's about becoming more aware of boundaries, what is yours and what is someone else's. Easy to say, but it takes time and work.

Yes yes yes this is me. Thank you for showing me I'm not the only one.
Hard to be overly sensitive when there are such strong personalities ready to knock you down ( not here, in the real world). Thanks again.

 

[scout86]

That is someone running around claiming to be a victim in an effort to garner support and personally maintain victim status. I have seem this behavior in another person recently, too, someone who has posted on this thread and seeks to only solidify her position as a victim in this world.

I missed the part there where you indicated that that was your opinion. It must be there someplace, because otherwise you're "mind reading", right? Because you don't actually know, for sure what their intent is, what they're thinking, or how they're processing the situation?

I DO tend to think, and I suspect you'd agree Solara, that there's nothing very useful about enhancing your status as "victim". Depends on what your goal is, I guess. I also think if the goal, for the rest of us, is to help, then there's value in coming up with more and better ways to be helpful. We all have our own styles, no doubt about it and it's a fine thing. But there are some approaches that seem to produce a superior effect to others. I'm kind of interested in "as good as possible right now".

So, I'm still kind of wondering how to tell someone who seems to be stuck, wallowing in self pity, that that appears to be what they're doing? I'm wondering what would actually BE helpful? It's possible that some people actually WANT to spend their lives feeling victimized and helpless. And, they have the perfect right to do that. It's a choice. (One that I don't get and would be interesting in learning about too.) It's possible they know full well what they're doing and plan to do it for awhile, then move on, and just want company while they do it. It's possible there's something possible i haven't thought of. But, assuming that they DON'T want to spend the rest of their lives feeling helpless and victimized, what IS helpful? And I'm especially interested in hearing about good ways to present this to sensitive people, because there's a good chance I don't know.

 

[Notsowild]

I want to thank so many people who understood how hard it is to talk on this forum.
@DeathRay... Great post! I can so relate. You can pm me anytime. Or post here as you can see there are alot who understand too.
@shimmerz... You truly are a wonderful person. Thanks for sticking up for me. I know that was probably so hard and I agree you need to look after yourself first. But thank you so much.
@J_trustno1...so I do believe some think we are just playing the victim role. What do you think? I know I was a victim ( still am being victimized by my boss ). But I've been doing so much work on myself. Sometimes I need a little compassion I can't be strong all the time. Is that so wrong? Thank you for your response.

 

[shimmerz]

@Notsowild, I applaud you for hanging in with this thread. It has to have been a tough one for you. I was stepping back because I was falling into old habits of protecting others, which is dis-empowering to them. I felt that wasn't, in the end, going to be good for you - and here you are, standing up for your beliefs, head held high. Dare I say that you are, right now, re-writing your past? You have every right to be heard, but don't forget to listen as well....there are some nuggets in here for you. :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Notsowild]

@Solara... So you have never had a down day where you needed some compassion? I do not think I am playing a victim. I can be strong somedays but sometimes this disease has a way of knocking you down. And as the saying goes " walk a mile in my shoes". Easy life? Hell no. I have cPTSD after all.