@FridayJones... I never meant this post to cause a rift between all of us. // I never said I hated anyone on this forum. // I'm really sorry now I even posted this.
// parts are mine! In order not to quote the whole thing :)
I was 3 days no sleep, yesterday... My pronouns tend to get a bit jumbled. It wasn't my intent in using the word "you" to indicate you, yourself. I was trying to encompass the thread theme, and did it badly. At the very least, unclearly. For which I apologize.
As I said, early on -to your original question- I had a very lighthearted reply. I've never believed anyone's intentions were bad in this thread. It was far more the direction it took. It became a self fulfilling prophecy.
You expressed a fear and a possible cause. There are a lot of threads talking about the
variety of causes for that fear (being afraid to post), as well as several posts throughout this thread. Unfortunately, what happened fairly quickly was that the
cause was validated, instead of the fear, and off to the races we go!!!
It stopped being about a fear -not being accepted- which can be validated & dealt with without becoming "real"... (The fear of not being accepted is very different from being told you aren't accepted, and then more and more evidence piling on...any disagreeing statements see as nonsense/ doesn't apply, or worse, an attack).... And it
cemented that fear when it snowballed into everyone else who also has that fear turned an irrational thing into a concrete reality.
All of a sudden it became, not about how to face & deal with that fear -and other fears surrounding posting- but the absolute
conviction that's it is "the other people"!!! Of
course we're afraid! They make us this way! They're not doing the things that would make that fear unfounded! They're doing this to us! They're the ones! If they did it like this? If they didn't do it like that? If/when/how/what...They, they, they, they, they.
It becomes a horribly spiraling self fulfilling prophecy, and worse, it becomes entrenched. Something to defend! Anything that might challenge it? It's an attack!!! Anything that strengthens the position? Makes it lock in even harder. :( It becomes even more an us versus them, thing. And, every time it's defended, the monster gets more real. The fear is no longer a fear, but a reality. At least, it's seen as a reality.
In smaller forums, yeah. These things can cause a rift. I've seen it happen, been a part of it. Knowingly & unknowingly. Fortunately, this is a much larger forum... And instead it can be a discussion.
If you like, I can send you my original reply (fair warning: it's very silly ;) ). There really are
lots of reasons people are afraid of posting. Most fears have some basis in reality (exposure -my fear- is possible, not being accepted -you fear- is possible, saying something wrong -perfectionist fear- is possible, etc.)
All of these fears (I'm thinking about the dozens of them from other threads) can be dealt with. Not easily. Fears have teeth. But they're something we can actually do something about. I think your original post was very much in that theme; trying to combat fear. I really hope you don't blame yourself for it, (or the others where fear grabbed many people up by the neck and shook them) where the fear took on a life of its own.
If possible... Do try looking back at the posts which disagree with the fear of not being accepted. Challenging that view, once it's entrenched, is almost impossible not to be seen as an attack. Then, it's almost impossible not to blame yourself, once seen as not-attacks. It can be really liberating, though, if you can divorce yourself from it. Don't blame yourself.
It can help to change the circumstance. Use my fear. Exposure. Every time a line you agree with (other people & they themes) replace it with "Will find me." instead of a version of "Will not accept me." Not, say something hurtful, but do something hurtful. Will hurt me. Will kill my child. Will depend on me and I'll let them down. I won't be able to protect ABCD. ... All,physical stuff. It's a challenge, and a bit of a homework assignment to "translate" fears. In part because they
can sound ridiculous.
It's, like, seriously??? Friday thinks by posting here someone is going to show up and knock on her door and shoot her, or take her kid away, or whatever???. That's just not gonna happen. (It could, under certain circumstance that I don't need to highlight for my own piece of mind). My fear is real. There is a shred of truth in it. But my fear is not based in reality. Every time I post, that spike of lightning? That fear wants to say "Don't! Or a terrible thing will happen!" Whether it's my fear or yours.
I believe your fears are real.
I do not believe your fears are based in reality.
Let's kill the monster under the bed. Or make friends with them.
