Why Did I Have To Remember His Face?

[J.A.S.]

I refuse to sleep anymore.
I can't do it.
Every time I sleep I end up reliving more of it...every time.
There is no dreamless sleep for me anymore.

I remembered...I remembered his face yesterday.
Why the f*ck did I have to remember his face??
It was bad enough, remembering what happened, reliving it every day...but did I have to remember it was him?

He was a family friend..I guess he still is?
Knowing it was him...that it was his breath in my face, his hands on my body...yet that whole time I was friends with his kids. I held his hand and prayed with him at church for f*cks sake!
He did those things to me..then smiled at me and spent dinners over at my house for get togethers, and acted as if nothing had happened.
How the hell did I forget all of this?
Why the f*ck didn't I just tell my parents?

What if I see him again??
I can't see him...I can't look at him and act as if I don't remember.
The thought of him makes me feel sick..the thought that maybe he did it to his kids too...I should've told.
Why didn't I tell?

 

[8888]

I remember the face of my abuser too. It's normal to be nervous and not tell. It doesn't make you a bad person. Please try to be gentle with yourself.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Inkless have you found a therapist yet? I think you are going want to talk to a professional very soon. Your body wants to get this poison out!

So, you asked the question - why didn't you tell your parents?

@8888 I hope you've had treatment for this. It's a burden that's just too heavy to bear. :(

 

[J.A.S.]

not yet..

I don't remember it all still..but back then I probably didn't tell because it was him..he's their friend. hell, their church friend. He's supposed to be the good guy.
They can't know now.
No one can know.

 

[8888]

@Inkless have you found a therapist yet? I think you are going want to talk to a...

I have but it hasn't gone away yet.

 

[Mafia_Science]

I have similar problems. It's normal to forget important parts of the trauma. My uncle tortured me at a young age. I wouldn't have recognized his face if I had seen him around. I couldn't remember any aspect of his appearance.

Then I saw him about a month ago. It snapped all back and made sense.

It's not your fault you didn't tell anyone. People don't understand why victims don't tell about their abuse, but I understand why. It's because you don't want to be judged or viewed as weaker, or you don't want to be a victim, or it makes you terrified to talk about it. I know how it feels. I never told anyone for 10 years.

You shouldn't keep secrets like these. I keep two major secrets that ate me from the inside out, and continue to do so, but the difference is, one is actually my fault. You have to know that this wasn't your fault, you are in the right to tell people what happened with no repercussions.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Mafia_Science Neither of your traumas were your fault, and I am going to keep telling you this until you believe it. :p

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@8888 What sort of treatment are you doing?

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

I knew my abuser really well. We were very close for a few years and I never thought he would hurt me. The thought never crossed my mind.
Funny thing is the main memory of him is his face during the incident. After years of talking to him knowing him and everything I don't remember too much. The main thing I remember is his face at the time. Like he was so alive, his eyes were burning, he was kind of mad/kind of insane really enjoying it he was smiling like a crazy smile. Literally his face was just above mine he wouldn't stop kissing me I couldn't breathe. His body was on mine he was too strong he was forcing himself between my legs and he pinned me down but he was just too strong his arms were like clamps I had nowhere to go.