Why did I write her this?

[Skywatcher]

I have an older part trauma anniversary coming up in a week and didn’t realize it until yesterday when I started obsessively reading letters and looking at artwork from my early 20’s. I see my T tomorrow and just sent her an email about the anniversary affecting me and told her that she can’t help me, it isn’t about trust, it’s just that she can’t be there the way that I need her because I don’t have a time machine. That I’m alone like I always was. This is soon after she was very helpful last week with a work situation. And now, I’m worried that she will abandon me because I told her that. That she will agree and just leave. Why did I send that?

 

[littleoc]

Sounds like a negative core belief associated with this trauma is haunting you. :hug:

If she’s a good therapist, which is sounds like she is, she won’t abandon you. She’ll want to know how she can help and she’ll want to figure out why you believe this and how she’s could help you realize it isn’t true or isn’t the best way for you to see things. (But she won’t tell you what to think.)

:hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Is there a reason why you’re keeping all those things from your 20’s?

It can be very cathartic to let such things from our past go.

:hug:

 

[Skywatcher]

Is there a reason why you’re keeping all those things from your 20’s?

It can be very cathartic to let such things from our past go.

:hug:

I think because it is “art.” Also, it’s the only proof I have of the repressed trauma from my childhood actually being real. Apparently, the rape triggered that way back when and it is evident in my writing, though I didn’t get the “joy” of that memory until now. I kept it all tucked away in a box. I tend to panic and pull it all out around late March. That is also when I feel the need to do an online check up on my rapist. I know that this sounds sick and unhealthy, but I’m not ready to let it go. Baby steps. Last year, I threw stuff away close to my anniversary. It took a small army of helpers... but I did it. I said good-bye to things that I was wearing that night.

My writings and drawings are different though. Kind of like a history book, I suppose.

 

[Skywatcher]

@littleoc I have plenty of negative core beliefs at work here. Just a week ago, my T wrote in my spiral that I am worth the work of healing. That I am not alone. I keep staring at it, trying to believe it. I just don’t. We’ve actually done some really good work on my childhood stuff, it’s just the part that is haunting me right now isn’t that.

 

[littleoc]

Keep telling yourself that phrase — eventually, your subconscious will learn it well enough that it will start looking for evidence of it. :hug:

 

[ButterflyBean]

@Skywatcher - deep breaths! Please disregard my perspective if it’s not helpful, but why did you write this? I have a couple of thoughts. I think you wrote, and sent, the email because deep down, you want and need help from your T. I don’t know if this is true for you or not, but it’s OK if you don’t know what kind of help you need or how you’re T can be the most helpful right now, which is why you’re engaging in black-and-white, all or nothing thinking by saying that she can’t help you at all.

I just want you to know that you are not alone in your thought process! I ask my T for help without knowing what I actually need, or how she can help, all the time! I also have a ton of ambivalence about closeness, avoidance, and distance in the therapeutic relationship like every single session and in between. Lastly, it’s normal for negative thoughts to occur after a good session too. Just be honest tomorrow, and see where things go. Try to be kind and gentle with yourself!

 

[Skywatcher]

@ButterflyBean thank you for reminding me to do deep breaths. I have forgotten to breathe calmly all day long. I have a list in my spiral of 12 tools and have done very few. It’s like I’m gravitating to eating very poorly, thoughts of self harm and plans of Xanax.

 

[mamachick]

If this isn't helpful please disregard. I think many of us feel/think (at times) that the T can't changed what happened, so how can they possibly help. We cant change the past, so what can they possible do. We need to challenge that thought with an open mind and just be honest with T. They can see things that we cant understand at the moment. Im sure that if you T is professional as it sounds, she will not take you message too seriously. Messaging her might have been impulsive, which is expected with ptsd at times. I would see the T and hopefully she can help you understand this more clearly. Just be open and see what happens. I don't think she is going to desert you at a time like this.

 

[ButterflyBean]

@Skywatcher, how did your session go? Here to support you!

 

[Skywatcher]

@ButterflyBean it went really well. She didn’t bring that part of my email up. Instead we followed up on last week’s work stuff and I attempted to tell her a huge concern of mine... we did emdr on it and it led to my young trauma parts. My T is such a good and helpful guide. She really does care.

 

[susannahsays]

I'm not sure, but I did something similar recently. I texted the therapist, "My brain is broken and nothing will fix it and it's all hopeless." I think in my case, it was a cry for help and reassurance. Maybe you were looking for that, too.