Why Dissociate?

[Stickler]

Dissociation allowed me to forget being raped by many people while it was going on, and go to first grade like everything was ok.

I couldn't escape it, wasn't believed when I tried to tell about part of it, just had to survive it. Wish I had not survived it.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

I'm really sorry @Stickler

 

[shimmerz]

Grounding takes practise, and there are lots of methods that work for some and not for others.

For me feeling my feet on the ground, the contact of my body on the seat, slow my breathing by focusing on the breath, and using all of my senses.

People kept asking me to feel my feet on the ground. I couldn't somehow. I later learned that due to the trauma I was processing, and because I had so sense of my body at the time of the original point of dissociation - I could not 'feel' my legs. I was completely unaware of my body at that time. I felt my heart instead. Pictured it throwing out light and warmth. Then I moved to fingers, toes as a baby does. I still can't use my feet to ground....

 

[Chava]

But when the perceived danger is still present, I don't know how to ground

Not sure what kind of situation you are thinking about, but you could either remove yourself, or if you know it's not really a threat (like you aren't actually in danger but you are triggered nonetheless) could you remind yourself that you are okay in the present? And perhaps add some level of helpful distraction. I've been in very public places and felt triggered by my own body sensations or have had to pull back from full panic attacks (like being on stage, and it was not appropriate to remove myself unless I knew I was going to die, which I wasn't). I've also been driving and fought off panic attacks (would certainly pull over right away if I felt I couldn't control what was happening). I do something to cool off right away, like remove my shoes or blast cold air if that's an option, drink some water, hyper focus on some detail in the environment or something I'm working on. Hyper focus on something seems to help with the adrenaline charge.

But this is all sort of panic related for me. With dissociation, I just don't make eye contact, I still focus on tiny details of what I'm doing, and remove myself from the situation when I can. Sometimes just moving helps (like fake trip to the restroom, run warm water over hands, go back a little more settled). My worst dissociation seems to happen when I'm all alone and in pain or sick.

 

[Weemie]

I've seen very little on the topic of emotional dissociation, but that is what I do. I literally start to forget about my feelings as they happen. I'll be angry at someone and in the time it takes me to think of a reply or process why I am angry, I am forgetting why. When I am upset-- same thing. For a long time I thought I was some kind of sociopath because I didn't seem to have the feelings everyone else did. But, it turns out that this is a form of dissociation as well.

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

My own experiences here...

Others have said that I tend to "zone out" or "shut down". I see it as kind of autopiloting, this usually happens when there is too much going on and I can't/won't deal with it. On critical reflection, it gives me a kind of escape from the blur. It really winds me up sometimes especially when I have stuff to do! There are times where I've just "lost time" but only when things were REALLY BAD like straight after the trauma. My T says things can "take me back" and I have to "ground myself/be present".
I remember doing this during my sexual assault. I just couldn't fight back, I just didn't know what was going on, I was frightened, in pain. There was no escape. So I just kind of was there physically, but not emotionally/mentally. I just told myself to get away from there so I did. I just thought of the happiest,most peaceful time I had - remembered the time the space the place and just went to my happy place.

 

[greenleaf]

@Stickler -- we are all very glad that you survived it to be here now, esp. now that there are better resources for healing out there than there were years ago.

A lot of people also have types of dissociation called "derealization" and "depersonalization". We can dissociate connection to being "in" our bodies, then dissociate that we've done that, for years... If you've had these states since childhood you might not remember an alternative, but very luckily our brains seem able to heal once the issues that we were deeply afraid of as kids are brought more into regular awareness with safety (like a safe T) around.

 

[Stickler]

Thanks for the well-wishes. Hurlidaze are over now, yay!

Regarding dissociating emotions? I used to blow up at people in part b/c i was unaware of being angry until I was furious and losing control. Why was I unaware of that? You feel anger in your body. Well, I kind of wasn't really tuned in to my body. I gather that numbing body sensations and numbing emotions dovetail like that.

 

[candor]

Stickler: Google dissociative amnesia.
A.in.W wrote: "There is so little known about the brain and how it works and why it works the ways it does."

I studied with this dude called Michael Gazzaniga back in the 70's. I did not know it then but he was and became quite famous. I don't work with brain studies today but read a lot when I can. I try to educate people around me but more often I get a "could not care less stare". So I agree that the general public is unaware about how much of what we perceive to be psychological suffering is really "automatic responses from our nervous system". However, scientists and researchers know a hell of a lot about how the brain works and why and lots have been discovered since the 70's. The research on PTSD has been particularly helpful in understanding brain functions and raises the scary question of free will and accountability. I tend to believe that anything can be rewired but you need to do things that might be intuitively the opposite of what seems natural to your current brain programming. Example: You want to isolate but only get better if you mingle and get close to people. Here is a very good source for understanding how dissociative disorders are defined. Google Dissociation Faq's

My own short answer for "Why dissociate?" is "I have been doing it all my life. It works for me. I like it. No thanks, don't need a cure." For me its mostly "emotional numbing" and "derealization" (make-believe land where all is perfect and safe.) It can become a disorder but it is not necessarily a disorder in my opinion. I go to a therapist to make sure that it does not get out of hand every 3 months. I don't choose when it happens but I can usually choose when to snap out. Had some scary episodes where I couldn't snap out many decades ago.

I dissociate if someone becomes verbally abusive. Currently that would be someone who has been celibate and isolating from everyone for 8 years. The abuse comes after any surrender to touching and physical contact. I am pretty convinced that he does not remember what he says in anger. I remove myself asap from the situation and I never lash back but I do calmly tell him its not ok. I have trained to take nothing personal as if it were tv or radio, I don't engage. We always part as friends. It takes me a few days to recover from his blow-ups none-the-less and it takes him weeks to recover from our somewhat platonic romance. I believe that if I were not able to dissociate I would not be able to be near him at all. I would never subject myself to living with him. We have only been alone 4 times and each time I am asked to leave cause he can't be 3 whole hours with anyone. He'll say "I really love sex but I need to stay isolated". "Well we need to be physical to have sex." he answers 'no more talking about this" Then he said something that blew me away...He said "But we can't integrate the dream (the "derealization") with reality. Once we start having sex, the dream is destroyed." "Well maybe that is true for you but it does not have to be and for me I have managed to do both so it can be done if you want it." We have a hard time coming to terms with how often we should physically meet and for what. He insists on coffee and I have mustered the courage to state that I need another kind of stimulation so the latte comes last not first. I have declared war on avoidance and I rarely text or call so we are now at crossroads. Anyway, I was allowed to spend New Years with him from 6pm till 3pm. I was happy. He opened up so much and never seemed better. He sees his T and has lowered his medical dosis. I am pretty sure that he will not see me today as promised and I am completely ok. If he has been alone 8 years, I figure it will take him 10 more years to reel him back to the real world. Sometimes, I wonder if he isn't really better off where he is. We are both widely in lust for the first time in a decade. But with every step forward there are two steps back. Meanwhile, I'll enjoy my own recovery and play guitar, windsurf and do whatever brings "me" joy" cause I worked hard to get where I am. He does not get to own my feelings and make me sad and that is final. So far isolation is winning but I have really done my homework when it comes to the biochemistry of sex and given my time span am feeling very optimistic. :) Baby steps...real slow...and lots lots of assertive kindness.