Why do i consciously want to cause discomfort or suffering toward myself?

[pattie]

It's not an everyday, 24/7 thought and I don't think it's because I want to harm myself.. unless it's subconscious.

Basically once in a while, typically when bored, I'll do something that'll cause me to have negative experiences. I realize that what I'm doing is not enjoyable, but I'll go ahead and/or continue. I will stop at a certain point if I feel it's enough, or if I'm too out of it to really think about it.

Things such as having too many edibles so I'm super paranoid, anxious, in pain, and terribly shivering. Some times I'll even be incoherent.

Too much alcohol. This one isn't as distressing as edibles or any others, but I'll drink until it feels like I'm being smothered and can't breathe, and my BPM reaches around 200-210.

I'll purposely place myself in situations where I know I'll have a panic attack, get super paranoid, etc.

Masturbating roughly so I always end up bleeding and in pain for a day or two.

Edibles and alcohol I tend to want the most and my friend says I have an addictive personality thinking I find it pleasant, but I only want to because it causes such a strong event and/or feeling.

It's weird and I don't know why I'm like this. I know it's bad and I probably should worry, but sometimes I'm just not concerned. It's a feeling I get that I'll most of the time follow through with.

It's not that I get off on it, as far as I know. It's not like I'll purposely find a way to harm myself, feel distress, but then after feel great. I don't. All of the time, when it's over, I'm relieved and wouldn't want to experience it again in the same day. I think it's mainly due to boredom, but I can't remember the other reasons.

Another thing to add is that I only do this when I am alone and/or when I know someone won't be able to find out about this happening to me. I'd hate for it to happen in public and/or with a friend or anyone knowing about it.

 

[Kiko]

Do you have a therapist and do they know you are self harming?

 

[pattie]

Do you have a therapist and do they know you are self harming?

I do have a therapist and no she doesn't know I do those things.

 

[Biroze]

Telling your T would be a good step.

 

[Eju]

I never understood why someone would pay to see a therapist and not be honest with them. Kinda defeats the purpose. IMO.

Take care and LOVE yourself!!!

 

[pattie]

It's not that we stare at each other. We're focusing on other stuff.

 

[Dahuv]

It could be a distraction from "being with yourself".
Many people find "boredom" uncomfortable, and seek any form of stimulation to avoid it. The stronger the fear of "boredom" the more intense the activity to escape it.

This is where mindfulness comes in useful..... because it's a structured way of learning to "be with oneself" through observing the "monkey mind" it helps build resilience to being alone, with nothing particular to do.

I would also mention this to your therapist. Even if you are currently working on something else, this stuff is important and also indicates a process that therapy needs to address..... how to prioritise things is a discussion for you and your therapist.

 

[Ozefu]

Pattie... I do similar things too but for me it is a form of self-punishment I somehow feel that I always have to be punished for whatever reason I have to suffer. I am usually really good at telling my therapist almost everything what I cannot tell in person I usually write down and he knows a little bit about this aspect of me but most of it is just too embarrassing to go into detail about. I guess we need to work on self-compassion and like someone else said mindfulness to be able to tolerate our feelings to avoid doing this I just wish there was an easier way it is so hard to fight the constant need to self punish.

 

[Evuba]

You are engaging in self harm. This can be any behavior that is destructive or uncomfortable to one's self. It does not have to be cutting only. I have never engaged in cutting, yet I have ripped up my sketchbooks and art work. I also have starved myself and gone with unsafe guys. I have gotten very drunk on my own. I have even done more subtle behaviors like worn uncomfortable clothing or hyper focused on my trauma. I did all of this for a myriad of reasons. I wanted to feel the pain in a more tangible way. I wanted to hurt myself instead of others hurting me. I wanted to actually feel something. I have found that acceptance of these behaviors helps, using DBT, and looking at my trauma through therapy have all helped. You need to tell your therapist about these behaviors especially with drugs and alcohol.

 

[Pozo]

I always did this. I did not know I was doing this. I would "choke the life" out of everything I tried to do and everyone around me. I did not understand I was "trying to hang on" to anything. I was "trying desperately to have some good feelings about something." But everything operated out of the "well of my feelings" and it was a deep dark nightmare in there. Naturally, feeling like that nothing went well. People don't respond very well. You can't hide it. I used to wish I had a working façade. You can't though. You build a house on a rotten foundation and it'll fall down. People will see it falling down. I don't know if that's a good analogy but everything inside was so bad (the things I couldn't even think about) and in my head it was screaming all the time.

I am a lot better now. : )