Why Do I Even Exist?

[anonymous]

I've wanted 'out' of this world for so long. I am not needed. I SO want to hurt myself. Not in a way that anyone would notice. A few slaps to get some kind of control over my feelings. So much easier when I could block everything, and everyone out.

Yes, I am going to be a grandma, but they really don't need me. As long as my son has his dad, that's all he needs. Will I always feel in the way, along with the self-hate!

 

[Britt.f7]

I understand how you feel. My children are now teenagers and I think they would survive better with just my husband. Yet, they show me, sometimes in little ways, that that is not true. I don't think your son would want to have to explain who his child's grandmother was.

I just lost my mother a year ago. I'm 46 and I miss her, despite any problems we may have had.

Please reach out to someone who is supportive to you and if you need to go to the hospital. There's no shame in that.

 

[anonymous]

I do know my son loves me, the problem lies in me and depths that I hate myself. I'll probably be okay in the morning. I do have a very good friend, but don't want to lay this on her.

I've been in hospital 3 times, and know that if I get too bad, it's the place to go. I don't believe in abandoning my son in that way, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it all too be over!! How can I feel this way when I am about to be a first time grandma?
I just don't want to feel this dark black hole in my heart.

Thank you for responding. I needed someone to.

 

[Britt.f7]

I've been there. It isn't deserved. Sometimes, when I get that bad, I will just stay in one room so I don't do anything drastic. It's very difficult. I hope you feel better in the morning.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you!! That is what I am going to do...and try to sleep the pain away.

 

[Bilby]

It's a bit of 'stuck between a rock and a hard place" isn't it - wanting it to be over, but not being able to have it over :(

I hope that tomorrow is a brighter day and that the promise of your first grandchild and the smile he/she will give you one day will make you feel a little better.

Take care.

B x

 

[discarded]

Hang in there, your grandchild will be so precious. Through all of my depressed days mine still manage to light up my world. My little grand daughter (22 months) always greets me with a cheeky smile and a big hug. Her older brother (4) since he could talk has always asked 'Are You Ok?'. So funny coming from a small child but it is as though he senses when I need a little pick me up.

 

[The Hermit King]

I hope you are feeling better today.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you all. I made it through the night, and hope that is the only 'storm' I will have for awhile!

 

[Violet03]

I'm probably the wrong person to talk to you right now. I totally understand how you feel. I want to disappear so bad. I feel everyone would be better off without me. I am hurting so much. I also feel all I do is hurt others. I want out of this pain. Every day all I can do is take one hour at a time. Nobody in my life seems to understand what I am going through. I am the "crazy" one. I wish I could quit waking up.

 

[Shellbell]

Anonymous, I'm glad you made it through the night. I hope today is a day with more hope.

 

[Bilby]

Every day all I can do is take one hour at a time.

If that is what is manageable for you, then that's exactly what you do to get through the day, Violet. I know each hour may feel like an eternity, but it's another hour passed, another hour you have survived, and hopefully an hour closer to a day when things will be brighter.

B x