Why do i never put thoughts into words?

[michaelg1212]

I grew up with parents who fought often and eventually got a divorce when I was 10, which together, is really what the trauma was for me according to my doctor.

When I was 16 I was with a girl that I really liked, and then she broke up with me and I remember emptily crying, crying without feeling sad afterward.

I, continuing on the theme of numbness, haven't felt anything in 3 years and vividly remember telling that to another girl that I was with the year afterward, which expectedly didn't go down well with her.

So I've spent a long time thinking about my thinking for the last couple of years, and it really only isn't until recently when I came to a conclusion about what I think is going on, and I don't know exactly what's going for a reason I'll explain later.

So I think I suffer from intrusive thoughts and as a result, I never put thoughts into words. To substantiate this I remember thinking a couple of years ago that I didn't like reading because when I read I had to focus and when I focused a bunch of bad thoughts come into my brain (but I never remember ever experiencing the distressing thoughts or poor feelings as a result of the thoughts which is something I've found to be consistent in people who suffer from PTSD), but only recently did I start to think about my habits/thoughts and start to think something was wrong which explains my negligence of the importance of my thinking that and my lack of doing anything about it.

So I think my brain now never puts thoughts into words because if I did I would have to experience and actually all of those bad thoughts and ensuing bad feelings, and this lack of wanting to deal with thoughts is something I've also found to be consistent of people who suffer from PTSD.

I struggle to make sense to people, not something I struggled with before anything bad started happening, so that's further proof that there's something up with my thinking, and the thoughts I've felt that have been properly "translated" (I think they're properly translated because I remember having the same ones before anything bad started happening to me and they just felt different to what I experience in terms of thoughts on a day to day basis), they've all been about people I feel confident in their relationships with me, so it makes sense that I would not have distressing thoughts when the thing that scarred me, my parents distant and violent relationship where they left each other, doesn't seem like a potential.

It seems ridiculous to be thinking that people will always leave me, so I don't know if I have anything right. Some of my diagnosis is more speculative and trying to put pieces together. As I know suppression of feelings and thoughts usually happens when you're thinking of the Trauma or things relating to it, I'm not sure why I would suppress all of my thoughts.

I come here because want to know if you guys think this is plausible and if you have any experience with it maybe. Please share with me any thoughts you have

I remember dreaming about the girl for months on end after we broke up, I think some nights it would be about us getting back together and other nights about her ignoring me, so it must have left some kind of impression on me regardless of if we can call it PTSD or not. But I never remember feeling bad about her. Or my parents' relationship for that matter. I began to sleep much lighter after it all happened and have always felt like I'm somewhat awake when I dream and have really felt like so much more conscious of every movement in my life, my physical movements that is, from my eyes to my breathing to my walking to the point where I feel like I can control all of them.

Just hope this gives you all better context and you may be thinking I'm just describing whatever I've seen online, but I don't see why I'd be here if I were lying. I don't even see attention or pity as a potential because I do that more than enough myself and I get some from whoever I talk to and my doctor. I've just really been struggling with the question of why do I never put thoughts into words and an answer seems like it'd be so soothing as my realization that I suffer from intrusive thoughts was. Thank you

 

[Fadeaway]

Were your parents physically abusive to each other?

You clearly have something going on, but you didn't say anything that would make me think it was definitely ptsd and not something else.

 

[michaelg1212]

my dad was with my mom

 

[Justmehere]

You witnessed domestic violence? That can have a heavy impact on a kid.

What you describe in terms of trauma, losses, thinking patterns and other symptoms could fit with a number of disorders. I’d suggest perhaps looking into psych or neuropsych testing and/or otherwise working with your doctor to sort out what specific mental health condition you may be suffering from.

 

[Friday]

My mom was hit by a car and drug for several blocks when she was a child, and then had emergency surgery without anethetic to save her life.

She doesn’t have PTSD.

She DOES have road rage. And it is 100% surrounding people not paying attention whilst driving, or driving stupid. (Like the chick who hit her turned left from the right lane, against a light, using the wrong blinker. Just changed her mind at the intersection, drove over a kid, and didn’t notice until the thumping under her car made her think she had a flat). Super easy to connect those dots, huh? Even though the trauma more than qualifies for PTSD, that’s simply not the way she went with it. She could also have developed anxiety around driving (she’s always looooooved driving), or depression (relentlessly cheerful, my mom), or a sleep disorder (nope), or an eating disorder (nope), or, or, or, or. Whole lotta possible effects from trauma.

Witnessing your dad abusing your mom can have a whoooooooooole lot of different effects on your life. It could be a really simple cause=effect thing like my mom’s road rage, or it could be a super complicated disorder, and lots of stuff in between.

Get into therapy and work out what’s actually going on with you... rather than trying to do it backwards. Will save you a ton of time, energy, and banging your head against a wall trying to make things fit.

 

[michaelg1212]

No, I've been in talk therapy for nearly 2 years. I've only been with the doctor I'm specifically with for about 9 months though. this is essentially the conclusion that we came to. whatever I am suffering from and how it affects me with thinking is just not something as widespread as generalized anxiety or like clinical depression and this symptom of not putting the thoughts into words always isn't something I ever find online so it's hard to maintain confidence in the diagnosis so that's why I come here. I also haven't gotten better lol. how i never put thoughts into words also still doesn't make complete sense because if it really is a repression of thoughts that usually occurs around topics that relate to bad things or when having distressing thoughts. so why do i do it all of the time? I couldn't always be thinking of the stressor or things that stress me. (things that exist you know outside of my head such as work or a relationship) but maybe I have distressing thoughts. I justify that through the fact that I usually am wondering whatever people im with think of me, and I think through my reactions to people, I think I'm really scared and distrustful of people. so i think actually putting the thoughts into words would make me feel like shit. so I don't.

also, you may be wondering then how are you saying whatever you're saying right now if your brain never puts thoughts into words. that would be a completely valid thought. the best way I can explain this is that whatever comes to me in terms of words are reactions to my thoughts, but they're never my thoughts themselves. I think that's true because I can rarely explain why I think something is true, but I can say that I think something is bad. I feel like there's so much thinking that goes on in my head (aka the reasoning that I don't put into words) that happens before any words come to me and whatever words is obviously a conclusion.