Relationship Why Do Supporters Stay When Abused By Sufferers?

[Maria4v2000]

Why do women stay?

In the past when a man hit a woman, she was was told to run! But for someone reason, esp. in the military we are calmed to stay? Why?? Is it the sercurity? Is it because they fought for their country and we are suppose to support them?

When is enough verbal abuse enough? I have yet to meet supporter happy they stayed in the relationship, I just see them still surviving. I don't think I can survive, but I feel I have to give it one more year.

<thread title edited by Nicolette to be more descriptive in order for members to identify the topic>

 

[wife of]

Whilst in a concious state my husband has never raised a finger to me.

Should this ever happen...by choice...I would be the first to get out and stay out..for good.

I would also advise anyone else to do the same.

Hubs has whilst in a flashback not recognised me and made to grab me or thrown stuff in my direction believing himself to be under threat.

 

[BigBear]

A sufferer has some responsibilities.

• They must try not to consciously hurt others.
• They must try to get better.
• They must apologize when they fail.

It doesn't mater what they went through and why they are who they are. These are the conditions for deserving to have a supporter. (And I do sincerely mean this! Note all of the "trys". Also understand that it may take them more time than usual to be able to apologize.)

Is he doing the above, that is the bottom line.

The worst case that I've seen is Sea. And let me tell you he IS living up to his end (to the best of my knowledge)! If he can do it, your man can, no mater what the situation...

Bear

 

[Maria4v2000]

Thank you for those three things. I will bring them up to the counselor and let her know this is what I expect of him, but again I have the same question... Why do we stay?

 

[Toria]

Personally... because I can't believe that the person I married wont one day come back. I've seen marriages fall apart for all sorts of reasons, but I cannot condone leaving someone because they are ill. I give my husband the respect and support that I hope he would show me were I in his situation: "in sickness & in health". Don't get me wrong - I cry myself to sleep quite regularly and throw things in frustration (not at him!!!) on a worryingly frequent basis. I don't find it easy but I will not go.

Edited to add: when you say abuse, I presume you are talking about emotional / verbal outbursts. Physical abuse has no excuse and should not be tolerated even in illness.

 

[amethist]

I stayed because whilst he may have PTSD, underneath it all he is still the man I married, it showed through many times.

He has not been physically violent towards me ever, but there were times in the past when he was verbally abusive. He was then told in no uncertain terms, that this was not exceptable and he would know about it big time, if he ever did it again. I was lucky and he remembered this the next time, where I just got up, got changed and went out, leaving him to think about why he had turned his frustrations on me.

He has not done it since, and would be treated exactly the same if he did it again.

No one will tell you this is an easy ride, but you can slow it down with hard work from him, and patience and understanding from you.

Amethist

 

[Maria4v2000]

Edited to add: when you say abuse, I presume you are talking about emotional / verbal outbursts. Physical abuse has no excuse and should not be tolerated even in illness.

You are correct I am talking about the verbal abuse, His constantly downing me. I will admit he has threatened physical harm before, but never has touched me. He walks away. But I know if I tried to stop him from walking away or said the wrong thing when he is in the midst of one of these anger ourburst, he would hit me, not even realizing it I think.

 

[Nicolette]

Physical abuse has no excuse and should not be tolerated even in illness.

Ok... I am going to point out there is a difference between emotional abuse and physical abuse being that emotional abuse is more detrimental if continual and does not fade as simply as a scar from physical abuse.

There is this.... source http://www.jpma.org.pk/full_article_text.php?article_id=2716

The issue of verbal abuse is very common all over the world. There is a wrong notion that this type of abuse is the least harmful and does not carry any disastrous consequences in terms of mental health. This is a wrong belief as it is now being reported more vigorously that such type of abuse is detrimental to mental health. Verbal abuse is in the form of offensive language, usage of swear words, threats, critical comments with harsh tone, shouting, yelling and screaming and passing nasty remarks. It very well fits into the category of emotional torture that has long lasting repercussions.

I think you should read this and here is an extract:

http://compassionpower.com/emotional abuse verbal abuse.php

When it comes to the more severe forms of destructiveness, purely emotional abuse is usually more psychologically harmful than physical abuse. There are a couple of reasons for this. Even in the most violent families, the incidents tend to be cyclical. Early in the abuse cycle, a violent outburst is followed by a honeymoon period of remorse, attention, affection, and generosity, but not genuine compassion. (The honeymoon stage eventually ends, as the victim begins to say, “Never mind the damn flowers, just stop hitting me!”) Emotional abuse, on the other hand, tends to happen every day. So the effects are more harmful because they’re so frequent.

The other factor that makes emotional abuse so devastating is the greater likelihood that victims will blame themselves. If someone hits you, it’s easier to see that he or she is the problem, but if the abuse is subtle – saying or implying that you’re ugly, a bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or that no one could love you – you are more likely to think it’s your problem.

Compassionpower.com also says in relation to Verbal abuse:

Harmful Adaptations to Anger and Abuse: Walking on Eggshells
The most insidious aspect of abuse is not the obvious nervous reactions to shouting, name-calling, criticism or other demeaning behavior. It's the adaptations you make to try to prevent those painful episodes. You walk on eggshells to keep the peace or a semblance of connection.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

As a supporter- I stayed with my husband for a very long time, many years, and I endured it. In my case, my husband took his diagnosis and used it as a crutch for his bad behavior. He did not attempt to fix it, or control it. He said, this is it, this is who I am now and if you don't like it, leave. I stayed. Until I couldn't anymore.

In my case, it was both physical abuse and emotional abuse, for nearly 10 years. But I stayed because I made a promise. And then I realized that my promise meant nothing to him since he was not willing to do something about his diagnosis, as his promise meant nothing to me as well just based on his choice to not seek treatment combined with the way in which he chose to treat me- and then I just could not continue. I would never suggest to anyone staying or starting a relationship with a person with PTSD who was not in some form attempting to get better and managing symptoms.

I would have stayed and I would have been happy to do so- if he had sought treatment. But to stay with a man who believed that PTSD is a good enough reason for breaking me down and calling me vile names, screaming it out for all of the neighbors to hear and resorted to hitting the wall behind me, or just me when I was not backed up into a corner or against the wall- and he was not willing to work on it to fix it- To stay with someone like that only worked for so long before I woke up and said 'enough of the PTSD as an excuse.' It's a problem, fix it, or I am gone. And so I left.

Emotional abuse is just as wearing as physical abuse, as Nicolette points out in the posts above. I truly hope that your sufferer is seeking treatment for the PTSD. If he is, then good for you for staying. You will find many supporters who are very happy that they have stayed, even if it is not easy. Nicolette I believe is one of them. If your sufferer is not seeking treatment, then I suggest that you set your boundaries and do what is best for you no matter what that means.