Relationship Why Do They Keep You Around?

[TheMinsterman]

@TheMinsterman , that continues to sound very tough. One-sided is indeed bad. And...

I guess in a sense too I don't know that if what I want and what she want necessarily align, I think we deep down likely DO NOT want to lose one another entirely, but it's about negotiating exactly what "we" are... one big thing for me is, ok, we break up, we say we're done... what happens when one of us finds somebody else? I'm not comfortable watching her be with another man right now, I don't get the impression she'd be thrilled to see me with another woman, but if we're just friends eventually one of us will move on, I think we need to discuss things like that, will we be ok with x? With y?

I feel she's just gone "ok, let's be friends" and just not thought it through.

 

[Snowflakes]

@TheMinsterman Just a thought about you not comfortable seeing her with another man and still being friends. I take it you don't have a child with her. If you did have a child and divorced, would you divorce her (your) child also? Would it be in the best interest of the child that the child grew up believing his/her parents were caring and friends even if they lived in separate houses?

Forget the PTSD, if both of you can look at it that way, then it becomes easy.

I have an adult child who has always believed she had 2 parents. Her mother and I remained friends since she was a baby for that single reason. I actually like her mother's spouse. He is a good man and treats my daughter's mother well. Do I love the ex? Yes to the extent she is my daughter's mother. Do I like her? Heavens no.

And oddly enough, will all the distrust and accusations of cheating by my sufferer, she actually enjoys the company of my ex when we visit my daughter during holidays and her mother is there.

It can be done :)

 

[Mon15]

To put into context, me and my now ex-girlfriend had a very strained period of our 11-12 year rel...

@TheMinsterman hugs to you! I wish I had an answer for you. The first few replies seem to be more helpful than any with your situation. I know it's definitely been a roller coaster for you and the rest of us and the one thing that helped me through the rough patch (and still does) is giving the "other her", the one that isn't the loving person you know, a different name. When I talk to my best friend about his "not my loves" behaviors, I refer to him as his middle name. To me, that is what helps me move forward at times I feel broke down. I do hope that she figures it out and realizes how much you love and care about her!

 

[TheMinsterman]

@Snowflakes, no we don't have a child, but I do see the point. It's not so much that I would be unwilling forever, more, not any time soon. It's bad enough she has this abusive friend, I have no idea if there is more to it than that, if there is, it'd be too much for me to watch her be with a man who I know controls her and was pursuing her during our relationship. In time, of course, but that is why we need to discuss it I feel, if we're going to be just friends and that's it from now on, then we both need to agree on some boundaries and be realistic about what the future holds. Navigating a post-relationship friendship is so much more tricky, it's not so much that I'd be jealous of her new partner, just for now, and for some time yet, the wounds will be way too fresh for me to bear.

I also suspect she wouldn't be massively keen on me moving on either, for example she got upset at me joking I had a date with some wine on V-Day, today I posted something about my friend and his failed love life and she was very curious what we were talking about (I assume wondering if I was complaining about her in a same way).

There's a lot to discuss I think, it's not just a normal friendship, especially when you factor in we've never resolved our break up either, her isolation has left a lot unanswered and if I was just walking for good, I'd move past it and accept no answers, I think if we're staying in each others lives though it isn't something that can simply go unanswered forever.

@Mon15, thank you, good advice. I think on some level she does, but I think equally this new "he is dangerous too now" voice makes her doubt my motives and my genuine affection and love. I hope one day she see's I never meant to hurt her at the very least and I really am the first good man she's had, if we're over for good I really do hope she meets another one, she'd suffered too much and deserves safety and happiness.

 

[grimalkin]

I'm encouraged by the fact that he's seeing a therapist with you, and that the therapist is addressing this.

Unfortunately, no longer in therapy together. It was too much for him, he was dissociating during it (I think...or he's dissociating when he is acting his most calm...I honestly am not sure anymore), and after he decided he's done, he was going...just to go? It was an item on his calendar, so he went. He basically wouldn't actually answer questions during our last couple of sessions - from me or our therapist, beyond "I don't know" and "I don't want to," so even "an item on his calendar" is speculation on my part.

@TheMinsterman I think that's a problem for me, too - my guy certainly wants me in his life. I need to separate myself for awhile before I can be in a place where that can happen. I know we talked about in another thread about closure - I'm not sure that's possible for people in our situation. We may never get answers, even if we end up back together, or on excellent terms with our sufferers.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Unfortunately, no longer in therapy together. It was too much for him, he was dissociating during it...

Yeah, I mean I am not expecting perfect closure, but something a little more than what she has given, "stuff happens" is what it essentially boils down to and that is kind of insulting, I'd be perfectly content with "I couldn't deal with all the stress and it impacted our relationship to a point I felt it was too much" and leave it there, the former just makes me feel completely worthless and easily disposable, the latter is... well... that's sad but, I'll cope with it. I mean she's said things like "you can't be held responsible for how others behave" etc, but I'd like something a little firmer.

That said, there is still the ambiguity around her feelings anyway, it's a bit of a hodge podge.

 

[Snowflakes]

@TheMinsterman and @grimalkin I am starting to think you may never get answers towards your closure. By that, I mean that I've been with my sufferer for 10 years and, while we do the best we can for and with each other, I really don't think she has to capacity to provide answers. Until recently, I've been incredibly frustrated by "I don't know", "I don't want to", and "stuff happens" just as you two have. I really think, in her mind, those answers are true.

If I was with someone who was not suffering from PTSD, I'd probably think they were simply being an a$$ and walk away. Being an a$$ would be the answer towards closure.

I don't have any answers here, just a thought that popped into my head reading your posts.

But at the end of the day, I think you both deserve closure and I hope your receive it...either through your sufferers or on your (our) own.

 

[BlueOrange]

He basically wouldn't actually answer questions during our last couple of sessions - from me or our therapist, beyond "I don't know" and "I don't want to,"

Damn. Sorry if I've reopened any wounds there :(

"stuff happens" is what it essentially boils down to and that is kind of insulting

Insulting? Hmm. She may well have told you everything she knows - being a sufferer is extremely confusing. I understand that you'd be unsatisfied, but she's demonstrated that she's not capable of meeting your needs. Just because you got hurt doesn't mean anybody set out to hurt or insult you. You don't have a right to an explanation; not from anybody. People may want to and try to explain, but this is not an entitlement that you can claim.

 

[TheMinsterman]

With all due respect, I wasn't suggesting she intentionally set out to cause me hurt or to insult me, nor that she was obligated to explain anything to me whether she can or can't. I feel there is a difference between wanting one because somebody I know and have trusted for over 10 years has caused me tremendous pain yet wishes to retain contact with me and a friendship which necessitates me continuing to speak to as I process my grief (if we broke up and parted I'd not be fretting over getting an explanation in the slightest) and feeling entitled to one.

She can of course tell me she has no greater explanation, that she simply doesn't want to give me one or anything else she so desires too. It wasn't my intention to insinuate that I felt like I had a divine right to anything.

 

[TheMinsterman]

@TheMinsterman and @grimalkin I am starting to think you may n...

Probably not, and I guess that is where my conflict is. I feel like I've basically been on the rough end of an emotional kicking for months now, nothing has gone my way, everything has gone against me, now I am expected to just suck it up and walk it off and pretend it never happened and I guess that makes me feel like a doormat. She can shut down on me, she can withdraw all her affection, she dump me and then she can still have me as a friend without ever having to explain herself.

Perhaps in time it may no longer hurt and I may not want an answer, maybe the wounds will heal and I'll have moved on and it has no impact on us being friends, but right now? I've still been rejected, out of the blue, by somebody I'd never, ever, expect it from, just like many women before her, leaving me feeling like I'm broken and unlovable or easily disposed of whenever they get bored, it's a pattern and that may not be her fault but that is my past, unfortunately. Time may heal those wounds and maybe I'll be able to just accept it and that she obviously had her own issues that I can't understand, but that's easy to say, not so much easy to do.

I'm also aware there may be a disconnect between what I WANT from her and what she is capable of providing.

 

[BlueOrange]

With all due respect, I wasn't suggesting she intentionally set out to cause me hurt or to insult...

Fair point. I didn't understand why you used the word 'insulted' and got carried away.

Why did you say 'insulted'?

 

[boodle]

Probably not, and I guess that is where my conflict is. I feel like I've basically been on the ro...

I've been watching this thread with great interest @TheMinsterman and although, as you know, I split with my ex in January it has enabled me to understand some more of why she did what she did, and I did what I did.

One point you made in your post I think you be key to why you are suffering so much.

I've still been rejected, out of the blue, by somebody I'd never, ever, expect it from, just like many women before her

This is somethng I came to realise when trying to comprehend why I was suffering so much. And I realised it was not only this relationship, but the rejections in previous relationships too. All the old wounds had been opened up as well as this one. Its like dealing with all the rejections of the past in one.

I was a codependent in the relationship, so rejection was a deep rooted issue anyway. So having all the inner wounds opened up has been incredibly painful. The only thing I can do about that is to spend time on myself now and work on healing them. I have the option and opportunity to do this. Its really hard but in the absense of my ex, its the only thing I can do at the moment. Its painful but hopefully it will help with relationships in the future.