Relationship Why Do They Keep You Around?

[TheMinsterman]

Fair point. I didn't understand why you used the word 'insulted' and got carried away.

Why did you...

In the context of our relationship and her knowledge of my insecurities, past and own personal problems breaking up with me, not showing any real upset over it and brushing it off like it was like she just decided to cancel a direct debit is what makes it insulting. We didn't date for years because of my insecurities and trust issues because I've frequently had women just get bored with me and then drop me, I owned up to pushing her away etc and being afraid, but these are insecurities she's well aware of, yet she's gone and done the same thing whilst still clinging to me wanting a friendship. It's made me feel worthless, unlovable and completely disposable, even a woman whose been 100% sure about me for over a decade can just drop me like its nothing.

It feels insulting, and that's the crux of it.

My logical mind and my emotional mind don't always working in tandem. Logically? I can see how leaving home for the first time, somebody trying to rape her within days of being in halls, her friends who she confided in turning on her (not related to the assault) etc is more than anybody could bare let alone somebody with pre-existing PTSD problems. I can see why she would isolate, push me away, cut out unnecessary stresses and so on. All the articles you read on PTSD make sense. It all makes sense.

Emotionally? My long term love has just rejected me and her reasoning is as I said above, essentially "oh well these things happen", after ten years that is a massive kick in the teeth and it makes me feel utterly worthless and devoid of value, for somebody to just "stop" loving you makes you feel unlovable, to want to keep you around makes you feel used. You logic may well understand, but telling your emotions to just switch off and not be hurt, upset or insulted is another thing entirely.

I doubt she ever set out intentionally to hurt me or thinks I am worthless, she wouldn't want to keep me around at all if she didn't, HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that her lack of intent prevents the emotional reaction. My being hurt or insulted isn't a reflection on her as a person, it's a reflection of my emotional reaction to her behaviour.

On the flip side, we can look at her point of view. She constantly said I was stressing her out and making things worse trying to help, it was absolutely 100% not my intent to cause her pain, stress or upset, she's stated she knows I wasn't intending that, but emotionally that is how she felt. Likewise, she felt I betrayed her by encouraging her to tell people about the attempted rape in the interests of her personal safety because they turned on her later on, logically she said she knows I did the right thing, that I can't be held responsible for their eventual betrayal of her, but emotionally that is how she feels about it.

It doesn't make me a lecturing, stress inducing betrayer, it means that my behaviour makes her feel that way and right now, her logical side, much like mine, is not being heard as loudly as the other.

 

[BlueOrange]

You logic may well understand, but telling your emotions to just switch off and not be hurt, upset or insulted is another thing entirely.

Excellent point. Thanks for being patient with me.

 

[grimalkin]

I am currently reading (and working through) a book that is giving me some great insight and tools: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. Not all of it resonates with me, but like any such book, I can take what I need and leave the rest. It IS really helping me work through my own abandonment issues, that I never thought of as being a problem before. And, obviously, it is helping me actually identify those issues that keep rearing their ugly little heads into my psyche.

And I, again, feel you, @TheMinsterman. It's such a huge shock to go from "I love you and nothing will change that - you are part of my unshakable circle of trust, no matter what," to "Nope, sorry, I can't," in an instant. And when we ask what changed, or even when we are told what we did that triggered them (and it seems like for us both, we are to "blame"...even if intellectually they know it's their illness, they still won't accept that it's their illness that is to blame) - there is literally no logic behind it. My sufferer was triggered by something I did, which he also did to me previously (and was all in fun), and then again by his misunderstanding me. I did not say what he thought I said (and tried to get him to realize that), but it doesn't matter, the damage was done. He knows, intellectually, it's his illness, but does not want to have to fight it or deal with it. Which is, after all, his prerogative.

So we are left trying to pick up the pieces because we were left with no other choice - never mind that we are committed to our relationships, and they were as well. Until, suddenly, they weren't anymore. I'm slowly wrapping my head around the "moving on" part. Or at least distancing myself enough to be able to move on, even though I have no desire to let him go. But, ultimately, I have to. My intellectual side knows it's for the best because, realistically, our relationship was never great to begin with (and why I stuck around when it was bad is part of what I'm working through - codependency wheeeee), and never will be, because I need more than what my sufferer can give. It's just that now, I know WHY he can't. And if he's not willing to work on those things? It's not just that he can't but that he WON'T.

It still doesn't make it any easier.

 

[boodle]

@TheMinsterman hugs to you if you will accept them :hug:
@grimalkin hugs to you too if you will accept them :hug:, your story is similar to mine in so many ways. I will check out that book you're working through too.

 

[TheMinsterman]

@grimalkin, I guess with me the thing is... before this... our relationship genuinely was just brilliant, absolutely spectacular. We have a spark, we always have, we can talk for hours and hours, we just... worked. There was literally nothing I'd have changed, only since she shut down on me has there really been anything negative about me and her. There in lies me sense of total loss, she was really everything I ever wanted, and vice versa. Even now, when we talk.. that spark is still there, there's just the underlying connection missing.

It's a shame, and it's hit me very hard, but alas, I can't see anything changing.

 

[Snowflakes]

@TheMinsterman I don't profess to know what's going on in your sufferers head nor do I have an answer for you other than offering my understanding of what you're going through.

I understand the loss you are experiencing. In my case, my sufferer is still with me but that is likely a necessity on her part.

You're right, it is a shame and it does hit us hard but we will eventually be able to let go and heal. I've learned here that things that make sense to us do not make sense to the sufferer. Is it their fault? I don't think so as long as they're willing to go to therapy.

For every answer I get on PTSD and it's effects on both sides of the relationship, two more questions will pop up. The greatest single question is "Why?"

The actions don't match the words. @BlueOrange talked about 2 people inside one. The ANP and the EP really explained a lot to me. How can she love me if she doesn't trust me? ANP loves me, EP doesn't trust me? Hell, I don't know. Like you, I'm at a loss.

So my friend, I think we hope our relationships survive this roller coaster. But sometimes they don't so we must mourn the loss and try to let go. And when we let go, we make sure the next love does not have to carry our baggage.

Take care...more than you know, I hope you can come to terms with your loss and hurt.

 

[grimalkin]

I swear, some of my posts make me realize just what a roller coaster this is. I re-read what I wrote earlier and...really? Not that great? Damn, woman. The lows were pretty low. But the every day, and the highs, were amazing. Even our therapist said she'd never seen a couple who just *got* each other so well.

I'm seriously contemplating taking a break for a bit - no more PTSD talk, no more self-help books, and just crawl out of my head for a few days.

 

[TheMinsterman]

@grimalkin, you need to do what you need to do for you, I log on here now, apart from this little blip, primarily to talk to people and to feel like I can use my experience to help others. It hasn't been a very positive one for me and in a way it's my way of reclaiming some autonomy from the situation, to use it to help others at least see's something good come out of it if it means other people can get some level of understanding that makes them not feel too alone.

I got mired in too, where I seemed to forget all the good but the truth is as I posted above, it was spectacular, it really was such a wonderful relationship that I have so many cherished memories from, it's sad that she may chose to give them all up and/or push me into a place where I want to give up making new ones, but it is what it is at this stage.

@Snowflakes, absolutely, I am at that crossroads where I am ready to start letting go, but she seems to be clinging on but unable to really give any answers. All I'm looking for is the mildest of indications of how she feels, even "I'm still confused" is an answer to me as it demonstrates she hasn't decided de facto she wants me gone completely in that sense. It's more... I can move on, even if we're friends, but I am struggling to move on from our relationship because she sends mixed messages... I aren't saying I want to jump into a relationship but if I meet people I want to not feel guilty I guess... silly as that sounds as I have no obligation to her.

 

[AlbusLupa]

Your experience and help has made my journey dealing with PTSD a lot easier. I know things didn't end well for me, and I don't have so much of the positive memories that you guys do (the highs were short and far between with the lows and everyday being rough), but you've been a great help at helping me see an outside perspective through things. Even if things haven't worked out for you and your ex, you've been able to provide a great deal of assistance and knowledge to others.

You should cherish your happy memories together though, don't let the negatives, or fears that she has forgotten about it taint them. You deserve happiness, and I see where you're coming from when you say that while you're not ready to move on to a new relationship, you are ready to move on and begin the healing process from what has come before. I think that's a perfectly normal reaction. It may be that you need to be firm and cut her off completely for a while to allow yourself the time to mentally readjust to everything, which I know is harsh and a hard thought to bear, but after everything you've done to try and help her, after everything you've been few these few months, you need to look after yourself more than you need to look after her.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Thank you @AlbusLupa, I'm very grateful to hear your kind words, as of those of the others in this thread. I do cherish all the happy memories I don't see her as her PTSD (something she was very worried about), I see the wonderful, amazing, funny, clever, witty, sassy, loving, affectionate and kind woman who is so deserving of happiness in her life.

I've come to realise that... well... maybe I already know some of the answers I seek, I know for a fact she is very much capable of saying "no chance" to somebody pining after her, it isn't something she's ever said to me. She always phrased it as "I'm not into this right NOW", "right NOW I need a friend more than I need or want anything else" in tandem with saying she is confused and doesn't know how she feels about me, she's very conflicted with this feeling of betrayal yet also missing part of herself without me. I think that somewhere in her, she still has feelings for me, she just can't show them or find a way to articulate them right now.

I'm not saying I am dancing through meadows getting all lovey dovey eyed and deluded by any stretch, as of now, we've over, but perhaps I just need to try to puncture through the emotion with some logic. She's gone through a lot of stress, she's always clung to me to keep me around, shes not outright said we're over forever, she often counterbalances it with other things. I'm not even suggesting I want to get back together, I think I just need to do my best to try and work my logic back into things and get through the emotional pain and hurt.