Why Do Untreated People Who Know They Have A Mental Illness Have Children?

[Rogos]

It really annoys me that people who know they have a mental illness or alcoholism or addiction, which is untreated, have children? What are they thinking? Why inflict your chaos on a child like that?

 

[Nohoku]

Why not deal with your issues first?

If you are in an abusive and unloving relationship, once again, why have children?

If your partner is an alcoholic, why have children?

If you can't look after yourself, why have children?

If you can't stop projecting your stuff on to other people, why have children?

 

[Vepin]

I wanted someone to love me. I did realize that I would just teach them to treat me like shit, the same as other people do. I hoped I would find a way past that before it was too late. I made the decision one night when I was ready to kill myself. Kill myself now... or have kids and hope for a chance to live?

My husband is a really great guy. He wanted kids with me. At the time, I didn't remember that my family knew all along that I was being raped when I was a child... and they had refused to face it, or had refused to believe it, or had thought I liked it... depending on which relative you ask. I thought my family was good and that there was something wrong with me, and I really, really needed some reason to fix myself.

The fix came when I stopped speaking to my family. That happened because I was a mom. After becoming a mom, I realized what my family had done to me throughout my childhood which was still causing me to act out angrily. Some of the emotional scars they left were caused by some very mundane actions and words, so it was difficult to wrap my brain around what it all meant - especially, when I couldn't yet remember that they had blamed me for getting raped again by a boy they brought into my home.

It was through everyday living with young children that I learned about what it was to be a good parent... and just how bad my parents were. I absorbed a lot of information by attending preschool with my kids whenever possible. Wow! Those people really knew a lot about being considerate adults who teach children to function in society.

I had children, and it saved my life. Now, I try to save theirs... every day.

My kids are on the honor roll, they have bright futures ahead of them. We are pillars of our community. I know there are some people in my social circle who envy me for my family, my home, my life... People just don't know me well enough to know what I've suffered and how my husband and children and I have struggled to create a home worth saving.

Life is like eating, I guess. I like to eat a little bit of everything on my plate, rather than eat one thing at a time in some precise order. I also eat the best first, and only eat the stuff I sort of like if I'm still hungry... but that's besides the point.

I wouldn't have survived the memories if I didn't have my created family. Period.

Yep, I screwed up a lot of things in my kids lives and I have regrets about it. But, I have every right to be here, to be a mom, and to survive trauma all at the same time... because that's HOW I SURVIVED.

Just because someone has untreated mental illness, doesn't mean they're incapable of having kids and giving them a good life. Raising children isn't easy for anyone, but raising children who can accept some hardship, appreciate the small stuff, and feel good about themselves isn't reserved for people who are "normal". Even "normal" people f*ck that up sometimes. I'd say I've watched them, but whenever I see them I wonder what mental illness they have that causes them to f*ck up so badly. If it were stamped on them somewhere, maybe we'd know for sure that they were "normal"... but since there are so many of them out there doing what I consider to be a bad job at parenting... I just have to assume that some of them are not mentally ill... they're just stupid, or selfish, or spiteful, etc...

 

[Ozov]

If you have mental illness, why live? If you have mental illness, why expose yourself to society? If you have mental illness, why believe you are entitled to a rich and fulfilling life like every other free, breathing human being? Honestly, I can see where you're coming from. But I suspect you have an incredible bias behind it and thus do not believe mentally ill people are allowed the same privileges(such as having a family) as everyone you classify as 'normal'. According to NIMH one in four people could be diagnosed with a mental illness in the U.S. alone. That's 57.7 million people who a big percentage you are arguing are negligent in their apparently irresponsible compulsion to go forth and multiply.

First off if they are mentally ill, they may not be in control of themselves or may be taken advantage of. Second, mentally ill does not mean second class citizen. If they wish to have a family, that is their right. Third, this topic is highly insensitive to be on a forum pertaining to a mental illness that is inflicted upon people who are diagnosed with it by violent and harmful acts. I hope you have a good purpose for your post, but I simply find it needlessly harmful and rude.

 

[Padog]

which is untreated, have children? What are they thinking? Why inflict your chaos on a child like that?

I actually understand this line of questioning and it's not meant to be a personal attack from my point of view.

Firstly I think the key is the word 'untreated' and following that would come being actually aware you are ill.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I've personally questioned some sufferers with children during unmanaged PTSD and there's been a variety of answers. It's also easier looking from the outside in.

Take having a virus - you are infectious yet feel okay so you go out to a concert. You've done what you want, had a good time, fall over when you get home but are able to rest so you're happy. The consequence is you have passed it onto others and possibly made them ill. My question to you would be "why did you go and put others at risk?". Pathetic analogy but same principle.

 

[Resema]

I agree that the important part of this as being about "untreated". I think it's a valid question to ask.

Vepin, it sounds like you were aware of your issues and worked to be a good parent, even more than other parents, because of your history. I wouldn't call that "untreated". I found it hard to read what you wrote at the beginning. It's hard for me to read that someone had children in order to try to fix severe problems in their life, and knew that was why they were doing it. Sounds like you also knew what the problems were and that you needed to fix them, I think that's the difference.

First off if they are mentally ill, they may not be in control of themselves... Second, mentally ill does not mean second class citizen. If they wish to have a family, that is their right.

People have the right to have children, but they don't have the right to abuse or neglect them. People don't have a right to take inadequate care of their children. It's a high risk that this will happen if you have serious mental health issues and are not getting treatment. Children have rights too.

I think the question isn't whether people have a right to have children, it's whether they're being irresponsible in having them. Rights come with responsibilities. My rights don't exist in a bubble where I only have to think about me. I'm expected to exercise them responsibly.

In my country I have the right to buy fireworks and set them off at a party in my garden. Say I'm not in control of myself or I know I don't understand how to handle fireworks properly, but I want to buy them and set them off at my party anyway without any safeguards or help, because I have a miserable enough life and I have the right to some enjoyment like everyone else. I might have the legal right but is it responsible to my guests and neighbours to do that? Is it fair to risk injuring them for life?


It seems to me people with untreated mental illness who have children do so because of three reasons:

Not knowing. Someone might not realise the extent of their issues and their vulnerability, for a number of reasons. In the case of having children, they might have no way of knowing that their parenting would be so affected.

Willful blindness. For example, a lot of alcoholics refuse to admit to themselves how serious their problem is, but they do know and are choosing not to face it.

Idealism. People can believe that their love for their children and their good intentions are all that's needed. This is unrealistic, but when we've been damaged ourselves we can have very poor judgment and awareness.

I think being taken advantage of still comes under one of those three. Having children in an abusive/manipulative relationship, for example - in my opinion the reason for being in the relationship is related to the above three things.

I think it's very difficult to say if people are/were capable of making other choices. It's very hard to say what's not knowing, what's idealism and what's willful blindness.

I've suffered all my life because my parents didn't address their own mental health issues. So I very much understand anger about this. It's too difficult for me to say my parents couldn't help it because they were traumatised themselves. Maybe they could help it, or some of it. Maybe not. I don't know.

 

[Icupuk]

I think it's valid to ask these questions, but mainly those wanting children and actively trying to conceive should ask themselves these questions.

I have heard that PTSD is hereditay or can be so I would not want to risk that.

Also, 'untreated' or 'treated'.... even if the mother's PTSD is treated but the (potential) mother were still having a lot of trouble from it and/or were still abusing alcohol or other drugs, or her partner, the child's father, why would you have a child? Why would your bring even one child into a life like that? 'Treated' doesn't mean it's over. It can be enough, if you have healed enough, but it doesn't necessarily mean that.

Of course, in my view everyone has the right to make their decisions as they are responsible for them. I was a child to such a mother and my life was hell. No matter how much I will long for a child, I won't have one. This doesn't mean I wouldn't love it or not take care of it enough. But I just wouldn't want it to go through even partly what I had to go through. This is my decision which I take up responsibility for.

 

[Osiji]

Some of us may have gotten pregnant through no choice of our own, but don't believe that to murder a child is the right thing to do. After all, that child didn't ask to come into the world. It didn't ask for a father or uncle or stranger to rape us.

This is way sensitive topic.

 

[Jacevu]

Some of us may have gotten pregnant through no choice of our own

If having a child wasn't originally from choice, I think the option of getting treatment/help is still there - I would think it might be all the more necessary.

It's a sensitive topic, but there are two parts to it - having children plus untreated issues. Not just about having children.

Also, 'untreated' or 'treated'.... even if the mother's PTSD is treated but the (potential) mother were still having a lot of trouble from it and/or were still abusing alcohol or other drugs, or her partner, the child's father... 'Treated' doesn't mean it's over. It can be enough, if you have healed enough, but it doesn't necessarily mean that.

My interpretation is that it has to mean treated enough, whether the treatment is finished or ongoing, otherwise the original question doesn't make sense to me.


I agree this is very sensitive, but to me it's a sensitive issue if people think they have a right to have children no matter what, and no-one is allowed to talk about that. Children need to be protected. I think it needs to be discussed.

 

[Vope]

The most damaging parents are those who have unresolved issues yet believe they are not harmful. That is not unique to mental illness. Many are just very uneducated. People who face it, work on it, and make it better for their children.

Many of the most empathetic, amazing leaders, activists, artists, teachers were from households with damaged parents. But just because we are damaged as children by them doesn't mean we don't grow up to have wonderful contributions to make.

But the 'why do they have kids' could equally apply to those with cancer in their family; with heart disease; with diabetes or autism or asthma or poverty or lack of education.

Everyone has issues. Some know it and address it, some do not.

Genes are not the sole destiny of human experience. Neither is disease or trauma. Very few have a child with the certainty or intent that they are going to mess them up.

If only those deemed 'perfect' were 'allowed' to become parents, it would be the wealthy, right, white, powerful & connected group deciding the 'criteria.' We know this because history is filled with the bloodshed because of this very problem.

As someone who came from such a family, I can tell you there's a good chance they'd do NO better. They just have power, money, and privilege on the side to hide it well. There's NO way a society filled with people like my family would benefit the survival of the species.

 

[Ogisim]

Yes, I Think people who don't recognize their problems/issues, and continue to reflect them onto a child or anyother person for that matter. Is selfish, ignorant, and hatefull. Especially for wanting to neglect the needs of a child, and to treat them lke they should be treated, as well as loved.

Those people shouldn't have kids.

People like that need to be spayed or neutered!!!

 

[Ivuw]

I'm shocked and appalled you all after having lost so many of your own liberties(and mental health) to abuse, crime, violence and so on are so willing to dream about taking away the rights of people you don't even know for circumstances you cannot and are not qualified to understand. It's easy to cast blame, but taking away the rights of a group of people for circumstances they in many cases cannot control has not and never will turn out for the betterment of society. If they neglect or abuse, they should be held accountable to the fullest extent of the law according to the occurrence at hand. Sterilization is cruel and there are cases of it from the deep south in the US during the 1980's. Do your research people, that didn't turn out well either. In fact, it was a flat out tragedy.

You people frighten me.