Why hadn't i thought this through? - Mandated Disclosure

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Very low on words at the moment, but I’m in a kind of similar situation, not the same but I really recognise the feelings you’re expressing here. I understand how hard it is.

All very overwhelming opening any box to do with safeguarding/reporting/etc… I personally had that opened up right before my therapist was away for a month, it’s tough stuff, I’m wishing you well.
I’m experiencing a lot of conflict internally regarding this, too, do you have any routine for looking after yourself? I find things are a little less overbearing when I’m making effort to stick to eating normally (I stop eating when things are going tough), rinse my face, step outside… Easier said than done, but that’s my lifeline.
Do you know about what any of your other parts like? Particular food, or movie? Allowing some comfort?

 

[beaneeboo]

Thank you @WinnieThePoohChris

It sounds like you are making progress and moving in the right direction. You, no part of you is wrong or bad, maybe hurt, pained and suffering, not bad.

How to get this message across on the inside!?

I stopped doubting myself, that internal criticism was enflamed and pushed to an extreme by others deciding facts and reasons for themselves and applying it to me without understanding or ever really knowing me. So absorbed by their own problems, issues and opinions that they never actually knew me. I refer to it as armchair psychology and its very damaging.

I can really relate to all of this. Particularly the second to last sentence. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Suppose it was an extreme form of exposure therapy in some ways. I stopped doubting, criticising myself and told my parts to do the same. Something i did slowly before but quickly more recently, still have ups and downs from mine and others problems but come back to that.

This takes alot of strength and courage. Well done you... although I imagine it really hasn't been easy at all to do.

If not accepting, not dealing with something causes it to continue to affect you, continues to make you suffer. You have to deal with it one way or another.

Yes I can really see this. I think my therapy is about dealing with the how of how to do this. Self compassion, self belief, understanding etc is what needs to happen but is the thing which threatens my system the most. Because the psychological processes I developed to cope throughout growing up were, apparently, built around distancing me from the trauma in any way possible. So it's hidden from myself (amnesia, denial, dis- belief) and one thing which keeps that in place is parts believing I'm/ they are bad. Not believing myself (parts take on that roll). Self compassion and belief threatens those walls coming down and revealing more about the trauma. And so the cycle perpetuates.

So it's really about the how. My teenage part feels alone because I think she knows more than I do. She wants to share but is petrified of doing so because she knows partly what is behind those walls. The idea of all that being reported on top of that is simply too much for her.

 

[beaneeboo]

Very low on words at the moment, but I’m in a kind of similar situation, not the same but I really recognise the feelings you’re expressing here. I understand how hard it is.

Thank you @Dark.Green.Feathers .. I'm sorry you're in a similar situation and that you recognise those feelings, i hope on the flip side it helps in some small way to know others can understand a bit of what you're going through on some level...

All very overwhelming opening any box to do with safeguarding/reporting/etc… I personally had that opened up right before my therapist was away for a month, it’s tough stuff, I’m wishing you well.

this sounds so incrediblly difficult... away for 1 month?! Wow I mean that's really hard in itself let alone before reporting issues etc.. I'm sorry you experienced this. Standing with you.

I’m experiencing a lot of conflict internally regarding this, too, do you have any routine for looking after yourself?

When things get really bad i try to do just the basics. I'm very fortunate because i have a son. And as his primary care giver, i have to get up and get on to meet his needs. Even if I've not slept the whole night or had a couple of hours. So slipping into my mum role gets me up and functional alot of the time. In between times I'm not sure what happens alot its a blur. But i i try to make sure i eat something, go for walks, yoga nidra at home if I'm really on it. When this get hard i find it difficult to leave the house.

I find things are a little less overbearing when I’m making effort to stick to eating normally (I stop eating when things are going tough), rinse my face, step outside… Easier said than done, but that’s my lifeline.

great that you know and have these strategies well done you... it's hard but you're doing it... that's what I tell myself when my symptoms scare the adult part of me...

Do you know about what any of your other parts like? Particular food, or movie? Allowing some comfort?

This has been something which is really hard for me to ascertain. I don't have a clear idea and I don't know how to get an idea either...if i had to guess or have ca hunch I think my younger parts like being out in nature. Films but I don't know what in particular. Sweets but that's not what adult me needs. Animals.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

This has turned out quite ramblish, so, sorry about that, I hope some of it can be of some use.

When things get really bad i try to do just the basics. I'm very fortunate because i have a son. And as his primary care giver, i have to get up and get on to meet his needs. Even if I've not slept the whole night or had a couple of hours. So slipping into my mum role gets me up and functional alot of the time.

This is good, I try to remember that it’s never not worth doing the basics, even if I’m going to do nowt else. Always worth doing the basics, and it does make a difference. Personally, my system feels more secure when whoever is in charge is making sure of that, too.
I am gonna eat, am gonna feel a bit cleaner by brushing my teeth/face, am gonna breathe some fresh air, even from inside.

This has been something which is really hard for me to ascertain. I don't have a clear idea and I don't know how to get an idea either...if i had to guess or have ca hunch I think my younger parts like being out in nature. Films but I don't know what in particular.

I understand this feeling, it definitely takes time, and trial-and-error. I mostly know negative triggers, but sometimes I accidentally find out a glimmer… being curious can feel frightening but it can help notice these things as they come up. Leave these suggestions if they’re no good, but it’s the kind of thing that’s helped me out / that I’d try, ignore if not feasible as a parent:

Maybe you could put some kind of nature program on the TV, or one of those videos on YouTube in the background, which is just footage of the forest scenery, with audio (I’ve seen these for other environments, too, I’m just partial to the woods, as a whole). Some have just natural sounds and some have calm music, I think?
Something that helped with one of my younger parts was “reaching in” and providing physical comfort, I did it by petting my arm, or holding myself and rocking, soft shushing, I think it was my own version of a “self-hug”, helped to direct that at him when I could feel his distress. I think saying comforting things out loud to him has helped. I also have a dog plushie the child one(s) particularly like, I’ve bought it out for a cuddle a few times recently, there was an unusually loud storm and it shocked the kids, and I accidentally triggered the young side of the system off by venturing too close to a topic, slept with a dim, soft light on that night, too, which helped. Mine also like the outdoors, and nature.

Do you have anywhere comfortable/cosy and secure feeling at home, other than your bed? Creating one of those spaces made an unexpected difference, for me. I’m extremely out of tune with that kind of thing, but am learning. Hygge.
I got some dinosaur/monster movies and some dinosaur figurine repainting videos saved for my teen part, he likes those, when I have some spare money I might get some cheap dinos and primer so he can do it himself when inclined. I don’t like my system using the computer/certain sides of YouTube too much, we get down.
Music is quite powerful, I try to keep track of what songs seem to be enjoyed or have positive/calming association.

Slowly, over time, my parts have been becoming active for reasons other than being distressed, which is easier and less stressful all round, even though the trauma they hold always comes in tow.
Is there any fruit you particularly like? Ignore if you’re not a big fruit person, but if you are you could maybe treat yourself, part of me especially likes strawberries.

Allowing “unnecessary” comfort in, things like sitting with a blanket and hot water bottle, making something I like… has made an unexpected difference for me, if you’re like me and find that kind of thing difficult to allow yourself, because it feels “wrong”, maybe time to slowly challenge that?

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Damn @beaneeboo dealing with everything you are whilst having a son must be difficult. Well done to you!
At the same time is he your comfort, what binds you together when you feel like falling apart?

How to get this message across on the inside!?

Repetitively and consistently tell yourself and her. Hear/read others pain, share, learn, process, everything you are doing. It took adult you a long time to get to this point. Teenage part needs a little more time.

Can your teenage part maybe relate or understand on the level that you need to care for your son? In order to do that at your best you need better understanding, enough to be able to process the trauma. In a way that doesn't overwhlem or destabilised you too much?

psychological processes I developed to cope throughout growing up were, apparently, built around distancing me from the trauma in any way possible. So it's hidden from myself (amnesia, denial, dis- belief) and one thing which keeps that in place is parts believing I'm/ they are bad. Not believing myself (parts take on that roll). Self compassion and belief threatens those walls coming down and revealing more about the trauma. And so the cycle perpetuates.

This cycle is a cycle that sucks. It's how we protect ourselves i guess or what happened overwhelms entirely. Small bits at a time, until you feel ready to tackle more, only way I found how.

Allowing “unnecessary” comfort in

This is important, glad you mentioned it. Something I have found very difficult to do consistently. Also entertainment, maybe light hearted action/comedy films. Marvel films can be that and there's a lot of them, son might enjoy too and you get something to distract and share? My nephew used to want to cuddle up with films, soft blankets and treats when he was younger, that helped a lot.

I can really relate to all of this. Particularly the second to last sentence. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I'm sorry this happened to you too. Maybe why this process is quite difficult. Sorry if this is a bit confusing, was distracted and lost train of thought. Hope the feeling is not too overwhelming today.

 

[beaneeboo]

This has turned out quite ramblish, so, sorry about that, I hope some of it can be of some use.

Don't be sorry! Not rambly and it's good to hear from others with similar experience

This is good, I try to remember that it’s never not worth doing the basics, even if I’m going to do nowt else. Always worth doing the basics, and it does make a difference.

Couldn't agree more

Personally, my system feels more secure when whoever is in charge is making sure of that, too.

Not all of me is so good at this. But luckily i am more often than not.

Leave these suggestions if they’re no good, but it’s the kind of thing that’s helped me out / that I’d try, ignore if not feasible as a parent:

These ae actually really good suggestions. It just so happens that the examples you've given are things my younger parts would be interested in - animals for sure, forests/ woodland definitely (more for older parts) and watching things on the TV.

I don't know why but reaching in and giving physical comfort is a real challenge for me. It makes me cry thinking about it. (I'm not doing so well today and things are heavy which augments the feeling). Young parts would love a plushie - maybe I can use one of my son's. Dim lights at night are a must if triggered. In fact getting up completely to do something is helpful but sometimes I find it hard to move. Thanks for the suggestions

Do you have anywhere comfortable/cosy and secure feeling at home, other than your bed?

Sometimes on the sofa in the sitting room. But i have to say there's not many places in my house where i can just go to be and totally relax into it.

Creating one of those spaces made an unexpected difference, for me. I’m extremely out of tune with that kind of thing, but am learning. Hygge.

awesome, well done you....

I got some dinosaur/monster movies and some dinosaur figurine repainting videos saved for my teen part, he likes those, when I have some spare money I might get some cheap dinos and primer so he can do it himself when inclined.

this is also awesome! I've become more attuned with dinos since my son! They are incredible on many fronts. We went to see the new jurassic park movie and really liked it. Luckily it was adult me.

I don’t like my system using the computer/certain sides of YouTube too much, we get down.
Music is quite powerful, I try to keep track of what songs seem to be enjoyed or have positive/calming association.

yes music is really powerful. I have to be careful as it can really trigger my system in a hyper way and that can set off anxiety - guess it's a positive trigger?

Slowly, over time, my parts have been becoming active for reasons other than being distressed, which is easier and less stressful all round, even though the trauma they hold always comes in tow.

I'm intrigued by this. This hasn't happened so much for me yet. Really only activated with negative triggers. Which I find exhausting.

Is there any fruit you particularly like? Ignore if you’re not a big fruit person, but if you are you could maybe treat yourself, part of me especially likes strawberries.

Yes I love strawberries! And it's the right time of year for them where I am...

Allowing “unnecessary” comfort in, things like sitting with a blanket and hot water bottle, making something I like… has made an unexpected difference for me, if you’re like me and find that kind of thing difficult to allow yourself, because it feels “wrong”, maybe time to slowly challenge that?

Yes it feels wrong to me. I know this would be a challenge. But I think you're right about giving it a go.

I'm not doing so well today so I'm going to try one or two things we've been discussing and see what reaction I get.

The problem is I'm at my mum's and it's very triggering for me. She knows almost nothing of what I go through and to feel like I do and put on a face is so incredibly exhausting and makes me feel like a fake around her.

 

[beaneeboo]

Damn @beaneeboo dealing with everything you are whilst having a son must be difficult. Well done to you!

Thank you so much. It really has been a roller coaster. He's been my life line but having to manage parenting when I'm triggered has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. When he was a toddler I was triggered every day and having to have hidden panic attacks and self harm whilst trying to give him the best of me. He's a teen now and it's so so so much easier.

At the same time is he your comfort, what binds you together when you feel like falling apart?

Walks I think. Getting out. And also playing music. Getting away is a big one for me. It's hard for me to be around my son when I'm struggling I don't want him to see me like that.

Repetitively and consistently tell yourself and her. Hear/read others pain, share, learn, process, everything you are doing. It took adult you a long time to get to this point. Teenage part needs a little more time.

this is a good reminder thank you

Can your teenage part maybe relate or understand on the level that you need to care for your son? In order to do that at your best you need better understanding, enough to be able to process the trauma. In a way that doesn't overwhlem or destabilised you too much?

i don't know ... we are quite close in that i feel alot of what she does and she can understandalot on my side... I think she and I both are not ready to share more with each other. I (adult me) have had such an awful year with my partner dying unexpectedly and all the trauma stuff. I've only felt like I've come up for air in the last 2 weeks and I know I can spiral at any time. I just need to stay on the straight for a bit... there are just so many multiple layered issues with what to learn about with the trauma etc.

And yet having said all that...I also need tu know more to process stuff... and round and round we go!! It's never ending. And so exhausting.

This is important, glad you mentioned it. Something I have found very difficult to do consistently. Also entertainment, maybe light hearted action/comedy films. Marvel films can be that and there's a lot of them, son might enjoy too and you get something to distract and share?

This is a great idea! I think I'm less into marvel but I can compromise to watch stuff with him.... I need tu think of good teen films which are also good for adults... we loved watching meet the fockers / meet the parents / hidden figures..

My nephew used to want to cuddle up with films, soft blankets and treats when he was younger, that helped a lot.

That sounds wonderful :) so glad you had/ have that...

That used to help me when my son was younger... he had no idea how much he was resourcing me just by sitting with me and doing that...

I'm sorry this happened to you too. Maybe why this process is quite difficult. Sorry if this is a bit confusing, was distracted and lost train of thought. Hope the feeling is not too overwhelming today.

Thank you. I'm sorry you went through your trauma too.

Also there's nothing to be sorry about and it wasn't confusing. I feel grateful for the input.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Not all of me is so good at this. But luckily i am more often than not.

Me either, we try our best, huh.
You’re going through a tough time, sometimes all we can do is try and maintain what we’ve got, and when things are a bit better we can reinforce the habits to maybe be stronger, next time.
It’s the principle that counts, they also hold up against rough patches better than rules.

I don't know why but reaching in and giving physical comfort is a real challenge for me. It makes me cry thinking about it. (I'm not doing so well today and things are heavy which augments the feeling).

Yeah, it’s hard. I have/had my ups and downs with it, just keep it in mind, you don’t have to enact everything that may help right away. May not be the time or place for it today/ATM. Delving into new engagements like this can be a lot, it’s OK to just put it on a shelf for when there’s less to juggle. And to adapt the approach to feel less emotionally taxing if you’re starting out.
I started doing it before the dissociative disorder came to light, then stopped (I don’t remember why), now it’s a mix, some parts feel more or less able/confident to engage with younger ones. Depends on what’s going on, too. What counts is it seems to be more consistent to do something when they’re distressed/needing, other than telling them to be quiet.

Young parts would love a plushie - maybe I can use one of my son's. Dim lights at night are a must if triggered. In fact getting up completely to do something is helpful but sometimes I find it hard to move. Thanks for the suggestions

I got mine from the charity shop, I already had a couple, but this one’s a collie and there was something special about it. It’s a dog all of me likes and the littles like dogs especially. Sometimes, I take Puppy with me if I’m staying away from home, I haven’t often needed it out of those times, but I think knowing it’s available in my backpack helps feel less insecure. Your suggestion of getting up sounds really useful, actually, thank you for that, I’ll have to remember it.

My T convinced me to find a scent I like, that can be part of my grounding toolkit. I think mine’s geranium, it used to live in my pocket and I’d smell it, or put a few dabs on the back of my gloves, or a comfort item I’d carry, if any. (My stego plush smells a bit of it). I’m very particular about smells but there’s something you could employ, if you don’t already. The general idea is things that engage the nervous system in neutral/calm/safe ways, to pull it away from whatever’s dragging it towards the red. Doesn’t have to be scent but they’re quite easy to attach associations to. It’s why she often gets me talking about my pets near the end of the session.

Sometimes on the sofa in the sitting room. But i have to say there's not many places in my house

Not a parent, but empathising with you on this.

I'm intrigued by this. This hasn't happened so much for me yet. Really only activated with negative triggers. Which I find exhausting.

Really exhausting, I still get the negative triggering out, it was an advert recently… eye-roll, and some parts feel comfortable forcing others to front using their negative triggers (like to avoid T), so it’s a whole mixed bag, but since things have been opening up a bit more, there’s been a few times this year where it’s been different… making my flat more comfortable had my teen part appear, who was calm, and I’d not had contact with him before. Engaging with certain interests have had specific parts come forwards a couple of times in recent memory, art and music are big ones for that. I’ve come round while replying to something on here… positive or neutral stuff, also sometimes willingly/calmly taking over from others who are overwhelmed, which is new, it used to just be bad for all involved.
I had better explained examples to mind yesterday but am very tired, so sorry about that.

I'm not doing so well today so I'm going to try one or two things we've been discussing and see what reaction I get.

Try to take it easy, sorry that it’s particularly hard today.

The problem is I'm at my mum's and it's very triggering for me. She knows almost nothing of what I go through and to feel like I do and put on a face is so incredibly exhausting and makes me feel like a fake around her.

No fun, I’m in the same boat in my relationship, I’m sorry. I hope you have some coping mechanisms that help. I’m at my mum’s, she’s not there but I still hate it, ha… keeping my thoughts with you.