Relationship Why I Choose To Stay...

[JT80]

It has been a while since I've posted in here, but I am back, and I just really wanted to say thank you again to all of you - supporters and sufferers alike - for making this forum what it is. I can only speak from a supporter's perspective, but I know that for me this place is a huge breath of fresh air. It truly is an informative place to source advice and get support from both sides of the perspective and being able to connect with each situation on an individual level. So thank you :)

It's been a few months since I last posted and, at that time, I was going through a huge push/pull... well, more push than pull, really... with my PTSD partner. Since then, I've been pushed and pulled a lot. My strength has been tested. I think every button of mine has been pushed to some extent. I've been confused. I've been frustrated. I've nearly given up and walked away... but I have also not been completely innocent on my part either and have caused quite the stress. I have done a hell of a lot of inward searching the past few months that was so needed for my own health in this situation.

Quick backstory... My partner was completely open and explained (as much as she could explain) how she "gets" and what happened to cause her to do things the way she does really early after we met. It was literally within the first week upon meeting. Back then, I had heard about PTSD, but had no idea of how it affects one's whole life the way it does... well, it didn't take long before I was enlightened. If she had never had explained it to me the way she did early in the piece, I doubt we would have lasted a month. I thank her for that and constantly let her know how proud of her I am for choosing to reach out to me, a complete stranger, when I now understand how hard that step would have been for her... and I think she made an awesome choice, if I dare say so myself :p

You couldn't really class my relationship as being too "long term", but it's been just under a year now and me and my partner are still going strong. I like to use the word "strong" to describe it because it's taken a lot of being that way to be where we are now (and we've still got so much more to go!). We still have our ups and downs and good days and bad days that we're all quite aware of. I still get pushed and pulled and isolated every now and then (at one point it was happening once a week), but she always returns to me and we've lasted thus far. I non-stop try to educate myself more and more. (To those of you reading this that are fresh supporters, I implore you to educate yourself as much as you can... and then some! You will never completely understand, but educating yourself is a definite must). At first my partner wasn't too happy about the fact that I was doing so and said things like, "You shouldn't have to get educated to understand me better!" and "You wouldn't have to research anything if I was normal! So, no, I don't want you to have to understand me!"... however, it didn't take her long to realise it was something I needed to do for the sake of us and I was met with, "I do really appreciate you taking your time to understand me better. I don't expect you to have to, but you taking the time to do so makes me admire you even more".

It is through educating myself that I have learned/still learning to - most times - recognise when her stress cup is beginning to overflow. I often felt frustrated, angry and confused the harder I tried to figure out how to remotely understand what was happening. It is really hard trying to voice your feelings as well as listen to another's feelings and consider both side's feelings when everything in the middle is snowballing out of control by the second. I, personally, have found that re-wording things, changing the tone of my voice (without being patronising) and offering to give her space before she demands it from me helps in my situation. I'm still voicing my side of things and listening to hers, but I'm doing it in a way that doesn't seem to add fuel to the fire or overwhelm her any more than she already is and I feel I'm still being heard. I read somewhere a while ago that PTSD looks for a fight. By giving it one, you're feeding it what it wants; which, in turn, makes it more out of control and confusing for the sufferer who doesn't understand where the fight is coming from or why it's there. I'm not sure how well that fits for each sufferer, but it is what seems to happen for my partner. She's never had a problem trying to talk to me about what her head is doing or telling her in the moment, but that's what makes it confusing for the both of us as neither of us understand why. Arguing in that moment makes it worse.

We are still doing things long distance and I don't get to see her as often as I like, but we both prefer it this way for now. It's a mutual understanding between us that I would do the moving, but we are still just not in that kind of place to be making those big decisions yet. Talking about it being a possibility for the future is good enough for me. We still have a long way to go. She is still un-medicated (going from what she tells me, anyhow). However, the last time I was there, she showed me a box of pills that she said were prescribed to her. She told me she wasn't taking them, but I think she may be considering it. You don't get handed a box of pills, but rather a script to go get the pills. If she wasn't considering taking them, I presume she would never have taken the script in to get it filled let alone keep them (possible first step). She's also currently trying to give up self medicating with weed and succeeding (second step). She's started painting again (third step). She's taking her therapy more seriously (fourth step)... Slowly, but surely, she's stepping forward and I'm so proud of her for that.

We still have miles ahead of us, but with more understanding on both sides, we're really doing well at the moment. We've had more deep, serious conversations than we've had in a long time. I haven't felt like I've needed to walk on eggshells the majority of the time. Affection has frightened her in the past, but she's surprised me a few times by initiating it at random times when I'm least expecting it (She sent me a text at 3am one morning saying, "I can't sleep because I'm thinking about you and wish you were here beside me. Sorry if I woke you xo"). She's been talking about us using the "relationship" word; when very mention of that word has caused her to shut down every time in the past. The last time she pushed me away was on September 20. She returned to me after a week and it's now been the longest time in nearly 12 months that we've gone without a push.

I understand that the stress will start overflowing, the PTSD is still there and that I'll probably get pushed away again. I don't know how many times my friends and family have told me to get out while I have the chance and walk away and "You're a stronger person than I am. There's no way I could handle it. I hope she realises how lucky she is!"... But it's times like the present that remind me of why I choose to stay. :inlove:

If the outcome outweighs the potential, then I owe it to myself to leave. But if the potential outweighs the outcome, I owe it to myself to fight for it with everything I've got.

 

[Della]

@JT80, as far as your family making statements about you being stronger than they are and that they will not take it or pout up with it, in a sense, they are saying that your are silly or stupid for staying with her. Well, don't pay them any attention because they have no understanding probably of the illness that your partner has. So, unless they are or have been in your shoes, then they have no reason to say anything. Only you know when you have had enough. As far as the pulling ,pushing in the relationship, expect that to be for the rest of the relationship because that's part of the PTSD and who she is. So she can learn how to do better at trying to get a grip on it and do better plus she needs to make some effort to compromise as well but , with PTSD, it's sort of hard for them to learn to compromise it's difficult at times for them to comprehend or get their mind set to do it. So,, if you choose to stay, still continue to study on it ok? My man is a PTSD sufferer so I have learned so much on it and he also gave me information in regards to it as well. So hang in there but take care of your own mental health as well because if you don't you will get burned out and it will take a toll on your health as well. You stay because you love her. Listen to the song: The things We Do For Love . It's an old song but it makes sense my dear. Best of luck to you :)

 

[JT80]

as far as your family making statements about you being stronger than they are and that they will not take it or pout up with it, in a sense, they are saying that your are silly or stupid for staying with her. Well, don't pay them any attention because they have no understanding probably of the illness that your partner has. So, unless they are or have been in your shoes, then they have no reason to say anything. Only you know when you have had enough.

That's unfortunately one of the most frustrating things I've found about being a supporter of a sufferer. Those close to you are not always going to understand and it's hard to explain when 1. You don't completely understand it yourself and 2. They can't see it from your perspective. I totally get that they want to protect me and only look out for my best interests, but I just keep reminding them that I'm an adult that doesn't need guard dogs to my own decisions. There have been a few that have said to me that they love me and will always offer their advice and opinions, but understand and respect the fact that the final decision is my own. That's what I need.

As far as the pulling ,pushing in the relationship, expect that to be for the rest of the relationship because that's part of the PTSD and who she is.

Yep, I've accepted that that's just how it's going to be. I cannot change it - as much as I'd love to - but it's just something that's just going to happen. All I can do is focus on myself during these times, not take it personally (that's a big one for me) and allow the space and healing (on both sides) to happen. How she handles it is beyond my control. How I handle it is up to me.

So,, if you choose to stay, still continue to study on it ok?

Absolutely :) I have done so much study on it, but I know it's something that is never-ending and I definitely won't stop.

Listen to the song: The things We Do For Love . It's an old song but it makes sense my dear.

I shall do :)

 

[Della]

@JT80, you are very welcome. I told my sufferer that not just he that has PTSD but we have PTSD and my reason for saying that is because I chose to take him upon me in my life and he is a part of me so the PTSD is a part of me as well. So we are one and we both have it. I support him in everyway that I can and just be there to love him for the man that he is baby and my sweetie is definitely worth it to me and I'm pretty sure your lover/partner is too. My mother does not understand it either. It's just like alcohol or drug addiction both of those are a sickness so PTSD is a sickness as well. :-)

 

[JT80]

I have often said that to my partner that she isn't the only one going through this also. We're just shy of a 12 months relationship and are still really learning things about each other. But we're getting there and taking each day as it comes and, you're right, she is totally worth it to me.

 

[JM318]

It has been a while since I've posted in here, but I am back, and I just really wanted to say thank you aga...

I would "like" this post a thousand times if I could. Thank you for sharing your story. Sounds very similar to mine as well, many people just don't understand why I love him enough to stay. When things are going well, I can look at him and think "I can spend the rest of my life with this man", and then when the symptoms happen I think "Oh gosh, I cant deal with this for the rest of my life". So you are right, it takes a toll on both parties. I have also been told to leave him. I was told the moment he told me he was going to therapy (I was in tears of joy/relief at work, and my coworker said "I hope you prepare yourself for a lifetime of misery, just because he is going to therapy doesn't mean things will change". And that really pissed me off like no other. Why don't you just kick me while I'm down. He is a human being, who sacrificed himself for this country, and I don't know the things he has seen or the days he has spent, the least I can do is sacrifice myself for the healing of the person I love. I told him I would stick by his side and support him, and we have made it this far. The start of therapy may not look like much, but that is HUGE and I really hope therapy helps day-by-day and we can learn to grow together. Good luck with everything and keep me posted on things. It's so nice to hear a positive story today. Don't give up hope! xox

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes that's a nice thing they said.

 

[JT80]

I would "like" this post a thousand times if I could. Thank you for sharing your story. Sounds very simil...

I'm glad I could provide a positive for some members out there with my story :)

Since this post, me and my partner have had more ups and downs (mostly ups, which is awesome), but we're now 18 months into our relationship and still going strong. There is still so much that I don't understand and a lot of things that she will say and then retract in "the heat of the moment"; which makes it hard to truly know how she feels about a few things. She's thrown personal attacks and pushed me away and I've stood my ground (which is usually when the personal attacks start), but I've learned not to take it personally, give her the space she needs and she has always come back to me a few days later.

It is really hard when you're going through that "push" (from a supporter's perspective) because I feel it's like a mental tug of war. One part of you is saying, "It's ok. She just needs to have a bit of a break. Give her some time, get on with your own life and she'll return to you when she's ready." And the other part is saying, "Nope. We're done! It's over. She's just going to walk away and I can't do anything about it. How can she switch off and emotionally disconnect from me so easily after all that we've been through together? I'm so hurt" As much as I try not to give the tug of war too much energy and thought, sometimes it's just what naturally occurs. It doesn't help when you've got outsider influence putting in their little comments about what they think is happening, like your co-worker for example. I would've really been annoyed at that also!

My partner and I are at the point now where I know that if I have a question regarding her PTSD, I can just straight out ask instead of trying to word it in an "eggshell walk" way. As of recent, we've spent many hours just discussing things over the phone for us both to get a better understanding of where we stand and how we feel. I've cried... she's cried... She's tried to explain and I've tried to explain. I'm really lucky to have her to turn to if I have a question about things and know she'll always answer me honestly the best she can.

So, yeah... we're doing really well :)

 

[JM318]

I'm glad I could provide a positive for some members out there with my story :)

Since this post, me and m...

@JT80 I'm glad that everything is going well for you :) I am still in limbo, he's about 1 month into therapy and we haven't had much contact at all. I'm assuming he will come to talk to me when he is ready. When I have bad days, I think about whether or not he wants to break it off but is holding back on doing so to avoid more pressure because of the therapy. I would like to think if he wanted to end things, he would have by now. I just remember our last convo about the start of therapy and him needing the space, he told me "I love you for sticking around" and I told him I would support him from afar until things settle a bit. I hope we do get to the point where we can talk openly about how he's feeling, what both of our needs are, and letting me know when he is being triggered and when to back off a bit. I think he's never been good at communicating that because he doesn't recognize what's happening to him.

 

[JT80]

I really feel for you :( It's definitely not a nice or easy thing to go through and is so hard when you've got this close emotional bond, but yet they feel so distant and far. I have never had to deal with a really long isolation period... she has never gone any longer than a week. A little while ago, we had a conversation about what we both do during an isolation period. We don't live together, so I was intrigued as to what she gets up to while we have no contact. It is very hard for her to explain because of the reasons that you just said about your partner; she doesn't understand it herself. But her answer to my question was that it's one of the most mentally and physically exhausting moments of her life that she didn't ask for, and doesn't understand, but has to go through.

The way I see it is that as much as the isolation and "bad times are hard for us to go through as supporters, our partners are going through something that's a million times worse than what we could even begin to imagine. Having this view on it and reminding myself of it while going through a period of no contact, helps me deal with the motions of how we feel when we go through this as a supporter.

Another way of looking at it is that I trust that when she tells me that she loves me and doesn't want to hurt me is her being honest. So, putting myself in her shoes during this time, if I was going through a hell of a time that I didn't fully understand and if I was emotionally and physically overwhelmed... the last thing I'd want added to all of that is someone constantly trying to contact me. I never mentioned any of this with my partner, but she ended up approaching me randomly and said, "I really appreciate that you leave me alone when I'm shutting down and you wait for me to contact you first. You don't even understand how that makes me love and respect you that much more."

But, yeah, I don't know if it's of any help to you and it really doesn't make the hurt of it go away... but, for me, a period of no contact is doing our loved ones the world of good and we all want good for our partners in the greater spectrum of things.

Hang in there. It'll all be ok. Big hugs :hug:

 

[JM318]

I really feel for you :( It's definitely not a nice or easy thing to go through and is so hard when you've...

I agree with everything you said, I also tell myself as much as this is hard on me it's a million times harder on him. He's been staying home and keeping busy around the house doing yard work and such. He hasn't been open to anything with his mother or myself so I know he's just not ready to talk about anything and really, a month of therapy hasn't been much time at all, even though to em it seems like it's been forever.

I have heard a few others say that their sufferers also don't isolate very long. We don't live together either, and usually when he isolates he doesn't communicate it to me, but I can tell something is off. Eventually after a few weeks he's broken up with me and this has happened twice. This time around he has recognized and wanted to seek help for it, he was starting to isolate and I can tell. A few weeks later he had his first breakdown which really got him to reach out to the VA. I'm assuming this isolation period is different bc he is reliving his trauma in therapy, so I just continue to give him space. I hope that one day what your sufferer told you, about how she appreciates what you do for her, is exactly how he feels for me.

 

[JT80]

I have heard a few others say that their sufferers also don't isolate very long. We don't live together either, and usually when he isolates he doesn't communicate it to me, but I can tell something is off. Eventually after a few weeks he's broken up with me and this has happened twice. This time around he has recognized and wanted to seek help for it, he was starting to isolate and I can tell. A few weeks later he had his first breakdown which really got him to reach out to the VA. I'm assuming this isolation period is different bc he is reliving his trauma in therapy, so I just continue to give him space. I hope that one day what your sufferer told you, about how she appreciates what you do for her, is exactly how he feels for me.

Yes, my partner never communicates to me that she's about to isolate either, but just like you, I've learned to recognize the signs that something I'm not going to like is approaching. I think that's a good thing for a supporter to be aware of as you can be prepared for the worst. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to keep myself positive after such a long time of isolation as you're going through though. I do really feel for you :(

My partner has been in therapy for the past 3 years. She is still not taking any medication though. I have heard a few times that it usually gets worse before it gets any better once a sufferer (I hate using that word, but can't think of another way to say it) starts going through therapy. My partner had already been in therapy for a year before I met her and, 3 years later, I find that it's usually after the times when she gets contacted by her therapist with an upcoming reminder for her next appointment that I start noticing a shift. She doesn't tell me when she gets these letters and/or emails every time, but I can usually tell something has happened and to brace myself as just getting a reminder drags her back down.

It's great that your partner has recognized and actively searched out help that he needs and it's super that he's sticking with the therapy. I can't imagine it being a very nice thing to go through after he's already dealing with so much. Like you said earlier, he said that he loves you for sticking around and supporting him as best as you can... and that is exactly what you are doing :)