Why I Won't Cut Myself

[Srain]

But I won't cut myself because I know that these feelings and urges will pass. Somehow, eventually, they always do. No feeling is final... someone said that, though I can't remember who. I will not feel compelled to do this forever, so if I wait, and wait, and wait, it will pass.

What a powerful statement!

If you don't mind I would like to paste this to my journal because this certainly applies to all the hard feelings I encounter (especially right now as I navigate recovery) with PTSD fighting me back.

Patience has never been a virtue of mine, wow, this is simple line of thought is simple but so much more challenging that it appears.

Hang in there Maddog, practicing each action trains the mind to remember the reaction for the next time, like building a muscle, I hope I'm making sense. This is how I am attempting to view retraining of my trigger/reactions.

Peace of mind,
Rain

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't cut or burn myself because it doesn't release those endorphins that I crave.

Don't get me wrong, I want that feeling back more than anything. But in the absence of any benefit, I won't do it anymore.

Sad, but true. I wish I could say I don't do it because I love myself, but I don't. :-/

 

[maddog]

What a powerful statement!

If you don't mind I would like to paste this to my journal because this certainly applies to all the hard feelings I encounter (especially right now as I navigate recovery) with PTSD fighting me back.

Of course I don't mind Rain, if it helps...

And I do understand what you're saying about rebuilding and rewiring your trigger reactions - I suppose that's what I'm trying to do too, as huge a task as it seems. My T most irritatingly, yet most accurately, likes to draw an analogy about learning to throw a ball with your weak hand. The only way to get better at it is to do it over and over and over and over again. Rewiring neural pathways and teaching ourselves to think and react differently is the same. Over and over and over again...

Maddog

 

[ms spock]

Literally growing new neural pathways is something I find exhausting at times..

 

[ms spock]

But I won't cut myself because I know that these feelings and urges will pass. Somehow, eventually, they always do. No feeling is final... someone said that, though I can't remember who. I will not feel compelled to do this forever, so if I wait, and wait, and wait, it will pass.

I will post this to my journal as well, if you don't mind..

 

[maddog]

No, don't mind at all. Think I need to post it somewhere I can look at it often too. Funny this thread should reignite on a night when I'm really skidding out of control on this stuff...

Vile physical memories of my father touching me. They always make me feel violent and self destructive, as though I need to cut myself to pieces to rid myself of the feeling.

Sorry... too triggering and inappropriate, won't go there.

Maddog

 

[Girl3]

Self harm covers much acreage: abusing drugs, alcohol, food, smoking, lack of exercise, too much exercise, not eating, purging, reckless driving, reckless sex, reckless social behavior, reckless posrts behavior - it's all self-abuse. We do not love ourselves or respect ourselves so we fail to take care.

 

[Jen93]

It will not cut myself because I know what it's like to be "the other person watching in." (It took all my strength to write that..)

I will not cut myself because, (though I may not believe it at times) I DO deserve better, no matter how anybody from my past makes me feel differently.

I will not cut myself because I will not let myself put the same pain that was forced on me, be put onto my little brother, my mother, my father, my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and my friends.

I care too much about the effects that could be long lasting for them, to end my life right now.

 

[Barberian]

I've only had a short time where I self cut as a teen. I was in the angst of a broken heart, 25 years before PTSD. It was a single cut from my shoulder to my middle finger on my left arm. I kept it "fresh" for a few weeks.

I still have self cut in the back of my mind any time I am hurting badly. I don't take it as a serious consideration when I'm really bad off because my thoughts arn't focused enough. I'm usually fighting the fight and/or flight syndrome. The few times I've been focused enough to do it, I simply didn't want to add to the emotional and mental pain with the physical pain. I also don't want to trigger my wife even on the "normal human" scale of emotions. I don't want to "inspire" her to do the same when she is hurting.