General Why Is It...? Difficult Questions

[peachykehn]

Why is it I can never just share how I feel in safety no matter what?
Why would someone want to humiliate me in public and what does that really say?
Why would the one that I am supposed to trust more than anyone, be the one that would say something so hurtful about my daughter leaving that isn't true?
What would make him want me to hurt that badly right before she leaves me?
What did I ever do that makes that necessary or OK?
Why is it that I ended up in such a relationship where my precious Jesus is now absent?
Why is it that no situation is ever what is really happening but always some disillusional undertaking where things that are just not happening are being accused like screaming and yelling and lying?
How do I live in that envioronment where nothing is as it truly appears, and survive, intact, and optomistic?
How to I deflect all the statements that it is somehow my fault or that I caused the trauma or contributed to it when it just isn't?
How do I deal with all the pushing away and anger and depression?
How do I adjust to not having any friends over, or socializing at all?
How will I be able to share a life with someone that only wants to reject me and hurt me and make it my fault?
How………….
Why…………
What does a woman do when she is stuck in a relationship with someone who won't take responsibility for those things he promised he would address?
How does she survive when the answer is it is always her fault?
People work out disorders all the time, why can't he just address his PTSD?
Why doesn't he want to want to?

 

[Frankie]

Hi peachy,

I feel such hurt, frustration, anger, resentment in your thread. I wish there were answers that would satisfy......unfortunately, there aren't much answers !

I was in a relationship for almost 2 years with a wonderful man who has ptsd. Those 2 years were the best, he was the sweetest, caring, giving, loving man......I rarely saw his ptsd.....and what I saw was very minimal....so it definitely can be controlled and managed.........but they willl want to make all the efforts.

My now exbf was badly triggered last August and he left. The months that followed I did see his ptsd.........it was uncontrolled....he was mean, nasty, confused, lost, and still said he loved me very much and missed me....We tried to get together 3 times, but each time his ptsd got the better of him.

When we were together, he used to see his therapist weekly, took his medications (about 20 a day), he made all the efforts to get better and stay better..........lately though, I heard he wasn't going to therapy and I honestly doubt he is taking his meds.

When he left, I excused a lot of his behavior on his ptsd.......unfortunately, I was wrong......we all make choices and decisions, whether they are good or bad.....in his case very bad.

I now know that it was easier to blame his behavior on his ptsd, I was wrong ......I have come to realize that there is a man behind his ptsd......some actions he has to take responsibility for.

Take care of yourself,

Frankie

 

[Frankie]

Hi peachy, me again....

I reread my post and I realize that what I wrote makes it sound that ptsd does not enter the equation....it does....a lot.....but not everything should be blamed on the ptsd.

Being in a relationship with someone that has ptsd...is lots of work, understanding, xsupport, compasssion, and a change of lifestyle...for both.

You have to realize that his reality is not the reality you know.......ptsd changes the way they think, act, do things !

You have to realize that what we take for granted, for someone that suffers from ptsd is a different story.

You have to give lots of space, respect his private alone time, not put too much stress on him....try not to push and ask too many questions.....try to understand why he is the way he is... try not to take everything personally.

Good luck and take care

Frankie

 

[peachykehn]

Hi Frankie,

I get what you are saying, thank you for your reply. I agree. I feel all the things you post and mostly I feel it is a CHOICE to want to have the best life one can, or not.

My husband doesn't use PTSD as a crutch, I think he is totally ignorant of the fact that triggers can be dealt with, with coping skills and self-talk and support.

It is not like the whole house doesn't know when it happens, it is obvious.

My choice to be his wife is costing me my middle daughter. My 16 year old is leaving on Saturday to go live with her father (my ex-husband) in California. While she has not been able to articulate many things, she just "hates it here" and I know that I know that I know that this situation is part of it.

Yet, try as I might, it doesn't seem fair that you just cast someone aside because they end up sick with PTSD. We don't get married for the perfect life or the happily ever after, we take each other in sickness and in health, etc.

I will say that my husband really REALLY tries. He has done many of the things that I have asked of him, (get medication, see counselors, retreat instead of blow, etc.) I feel badly for him because he seems to be saying "I am so sorry" a lot these days.

The hardest part, for me, is that, for example, tonight when I walked into the house, and cheerfully said "hello!" my mere presence and my voice, triggered tremors, sunken shoulders, and a usual posture of a shell of the man I married. A timid "hi" was his reply and then he walked away. That is the man I get tonight, just because I entered the room.

That is the hardest part, having your mere presence, make someone look and act ill. That is sooooo hard, not to take personally because it is YOU that is making it happen. No matter it is because of past trauma, it still is a horrible experience.

 

[Shoka]

You have to give lots of space, respect his private alone time, not put too much stress on him....try not to push and ask too many questions.....try to understand why he is the way he is... try not to take everything personally.

Frankie makes a really good point. On top of all those great suggestions, one also has to take really good emotional care of him or herself without leaning too much on the sufferer. Many of us are not accustomed to self care, but it's essential. Easier to say than to do.

Shoka

 

[pebbels]

Hello peachykehn,:hello:

I hear you loud and clear but firstly i want to say that no one is STUCK in a relationship, a sufferer can just as quickly turn around and say they dont love you any more or can't be with you as i experianced with my ex partner.

I remember one incident (there were many) where we were having a good day and fininshing it off with a nice meal that we had both prepared, then out of the blue i was been put down and it was about something that he assumed i had done which i hadn't but it apsolutely floored me this attack out of the blue and after having a real pleasant day. I started to get sick and tired of been on a high myself then brought down with a thud.

I made the mistake to as Frankie has mentioned of excusing behaviour becaue he had ptsd, but my ex had black and white thinking, i thought he was irrational and had fight or flight symptoms. I was constantly pushed away.

I to was blamed for triggering and yet i have since realised that it was his responsibilty to get control and learn how to cope better.

You have come to the right place for support and advice, i would also like to suggest that you take care of YOU and is it possible that both of you see a councilor, this was advised to us by the therapist my ex was seeing. It needs to be addressed why you are the triggerer which could be anything from tone, manner to smell to you been on an up when he is on a down.

Your husband has to want to get better and heal and find ways to manage his ptsd and also as much as your husband knows he is hurting you this is adding to already i would think a low self asteem and worthlessness that he is feeling because of his suffering.

It was not easy been with my ex, emotionally it was one hell of a rollercoaster ride for both of us and i felt lack of communication and working as a team failed us.

As much as it is your husbands journey to heal it is team work that helps to get him there and this is where a committment from BOTH to want to make it work is important i feel.

All the best peachykehn and take care:Hug_emoticon:

Pebs