Why Is It So Hard To Tell What Is Unacceptable Behaviour & What Isn't In The Moment?

[Abstract]

I have come so far in this respect that I hardly recognise the me from the past. I have worked long and hard to get here and have had much therapy for it. And yet when I am faced by rage or putdowns I still sometimes loose my ability to differentiate if it is just a normal human expression or if it is unacceptable behaviour.

I guess this is a type of vent in a way more than anything else. I can clearly see what is right or wrong when it comes to others.

Guess I should remember that it is an up and down journey. Its a shame it is so painful.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Dear Abstract, I think rage and put downs are unacceptable behaviors. They need to be confronted and if you get a honest apology it will be ok. If not it is best to let the person go, for they have proved themselves unhealthy and will most likely do it again.

I have a hard time when that happens to me. I am stunned and shocked and I remain silent. I remain silent for a long time.

I think it is good that you are reaching out for help now. It really helps me alot to do that.

Someone dumped on me and I remained silent and left the person alone. I was too stunned and shocked by the outburst, I did not deserve it and I walked away for awhile.

But I went back to the person and in my own way confronted the person and the person took responsibility and I kept my friend.
It is crossing of your boundries to be raged and put down by another. It is disrespecting you to do that to you.

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I call it crazymaking because it is so insidious and it makes me feel crazy and I self doubt and feel so bad.

My heart goes out to you. I hope I understood what you were writing about. Hugs.

 

[Abstract]

Thank you Gizmo. Yes you did. Sorry to be cryptic.

 

[Abstract]

I wonder if it is just wisdom if one realises that assertiveness could lead to someone being physical and therefore rather walking away.

 

[nursenurse]

True assertiveness should never lead to violence. Assertion is standing up for yourself, the ability to make suggestions, to speak for oneself, in a confident, non confrontational way. Aggression always implies hostile behaviours or actions and is by definition confrontational. Rage and put downs, in my books, are aggressive behaviours and should never be tolerated. We can all be a little blind when it comes to ourselves, though. Go with your gut. If it feels wrong, it probably is.

 

[safenow]

If it feels wrong, it probably is.

I agree with everything nursenurse said.

 

[Abstract]

Very sorry nursenurse and Safenow. What I meant is not being assertive because one thinks that the other person may potentially respond with violence. That one therefore walks away rather than be assertive.

never leads

Assertive behaviour is not aggressive behaviour. But assertive behaviour can be responded to in any number of ways.

 

[safenow]

You have got that right.

 

[nursenurse]

It's wisdom that will keep you away from such folks who become aggressive when you assert :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

If the potential for violence is there, I would let it go and walk away and keep a good distance from that person. I wish you the best on this one. Hugs.

 

[nursenurse]

I'm with Gizmo. Walk away, and don't look back!

 

[safenow]

i'm third in agreement with gizmo and nursenurse, walk away and don't look back!