Why? Why?

[EvenStrongerNow]

It's strictly dissociation. It starts with that, that is. Yes, it started when my husband said he was gonna go get coffee (he had not left yet because he had to ask me what I wanted) and it happened again later when it was my turn to shop again while he was still with me.

The fear sets in when I realize I am dissociating or when my husband realizes it.

The panic starts when I feel like I can't leave.

I was not clear so I probably confused you. I am not sure how often it happens. It is most of the time and not when I am alone that I am aware of ( the reason I keep saying this is because when I am alone, there wouldn't be a fear that I can't leave because I am alone so I may not be always aware when I am dissociating).

It is a problem because I don't like it and it didn't exist after childhood trauma with a narcissist...only during and after the trauma with the sociopath (2008-2010).

I could be confusing terms. Dissociating to me is when my mind goes somewhere. I don't feel like myself anymore and I suddenly become unsure or fearful of what I am doing. I am not sure if a thought I was having caused it or an external trigger.

 

[Abstract]

Sorry as I had not read your other 2nd post when I wrote this. Somehow.:rolleyes: I will leave it as is though and just add to it at the end.

the fear sets in when I realize I am dissociating or when my husband realizes it.

This sounds like it might be a good start Strongernow. It seems you fear and/or judge the dissociation? Have you ever done work on that part of things?

I feel like I can't leave.

What do you think makes you feel you can't leave? Am I wrong in thinking that you put pressure on yourself to stay when you are with someone else - for their sakes? I realise it is partly because you are not aware you are D. ?

What evaluations do you start having when you realise you are dissociating? I hear you say you don't like it. Does it link in your mind to your last trauma?

When it comes to your turn shopping do you feel under more pressure? That seems understandable to me. It is usually less work picking things out for others as we don't have to get past as much emotional baggage.

No pressure to answer of course. Just putting ideas out there for you.

I am just wondering if it would help to look at ways for you to feel less trapped and allow yourself to feel you can leave at any time. And to possibly see the dissociation as a part of your brain trying to be a friend to you and help you. I know its not that easy to do of course but judging the dissociation tends to up the anxiety which ups the dissociation.

I do agree with MD and others that just being in an environment with so much sensory stimulation and variety is enough for many of us.

---
Adding to this now that I read what you said: It seems you feel rushed when with someone else and that ups the anxiety. ?

The way I see dissociation is two fold. Part of it is or can be a habitual response to heightened levels of anxiety. Not at all presuming that this is the case for you but it is quite possible that the habit only set in after your last lot of trauma with the sociopath. I have met others who have had exactly that experience. Looking at what ups my anxiety levels can help me with this as I can often then approach things slightly differently.So it is a matter of looking at stressors and how to minimise them.

The second part of it is if there is an actual direct trigger. If you haven't read the thread about triggers versus stressors then that is a worthwhile read. If there is a direct trigger then there is some re experiencing on some level even if just emotional. Both the heightened emotions and the link to a time where I dissociated in the past can trigger dissociation.

I tend to look at all the more obvious things first and then work back from that and that usually helps clarify the situation for me.

You are saying that idenitying triggers is very useful and I totally agree with that.

Regardless of the foundation grounding is usually the most helpful thing I find. It isn't always successful unfortunately or is only partially successful but is very important. Have you tried the visual cues such as looking for everything red, white and blue and saying it out loud? Or having something strong with you to smell? The more of your senses you use the better usually.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I'm going to keep re reading your post. I felt a subconscious understanding in a couple things you said, but it left by the end lol I'm gonna go read that other thread you mention also.

I didn't know about visual or olfactory cues. I should try that. I think I would feel afraid to name things aloud in public haha but I can try the smell. Maybe I can put my phone to my ear and pretend I am on it lol

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I went back to a store today with hubby.

I did not happen. I went right to the racks to look for myself and got lost in that. Found some very cute tops that I will wear a lot. He went off to the mens section to find his stuff.

I didn't worry about how long I was taking. I didn't worry about if he may have been giving off vibes of having to wait for me like I usually do.

Maybe some of it is childhood and being so in tune with what others are thinking or feeling so as not to inconvenience them.

Yesterday though, before going shopping, I became angry at my old employer for taking a month now to get me my last paycheck. Every time I called, the receptionist was a snot to me about it. I got sick of it. I said to them, "Listen, clearly you are going to keep treating me like a pompous arse so let me make something clear. I have been polite and patient for too long. How dare you treat me like I am inconveniencing you when it is required by law to give me my paycheck. I don't care what hoops you need to jump through or why it is taking so long this time. Put a darn stamp on the envelope and mail it to me. If I don't receive it next week, I'm calling the labor board. I am sorry it had to come to this, however I've reached my limit."

It took me a few hours to get to that point though. I was shaking I was so angry and then I started getting super frustrated at myself for allowing them to push me to that limit.

I picked a bit of a tiff with hubby when he didn't want to hear about what I said to them (he gets angry when he hears of people treating me that way). He was just setting a boundary. Well I was proud of myself and wanted him to be too. Well, it didn't come out that way. Instead it seemed like I was crossing his boundary...which, in a sense I was.

In only took us a few minutes for one of us to go whoa whoa. Hold it. Lets remember to fight fair and then it was fine.

I felt sick to my stomach from the adrenaline regarding my old employer and started feeling like I didn't want to have a day of shopping anymore. I just felt like isolating. And my period is a week away but I went any way.

So I think you could be right about the stressor and heightened anxiety levels contributing to dissociation. I was trying to breathe through it and accept how I felt before going. Maybe dissociation was a way for me to cut the feeling of my emotions short?

 

[Abstract]

Feel free to ask for clarification if you want Strongernow. Please don't feel self-conscious. For one thing I tend to speak in riddles sometimes :x3: and for another this stuff is a lot to absorb so it's best to be really patient with yourself and take your time.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.9903/

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/fast-grounding-5-4-3-2-1-game.30079/

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/copi...hen-you-dont-have-much-time-or-privacy.23637/

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I do feel stressed when someone is rushing or trying to rush me. Or if I think they aren't paying me the same attention that I work hard to pay them.

I do know it was my day to go shopping yesterday. It was supposed to be my special day because hubby got his last weekend. Last weekend was all about him.

Yesterday, we spent hours shopping for him again because he decided when we got there that he needed more stuff. When it was my turn, we needed to eat so by the time we got to my store, I only had an hour before closing.

So maybe I felt unimportant?

The sociopath in my past rushed me all the time. Everything was always about him and he was extremely manipulative.

Okay. Maybe I've figured out what happened.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hubby did say yesterday how guilty he felt for making it about him. I didn't have the heart to agree with him :(

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Ok. Maybe it was a stressor.

Also, when speaking to the receptionist, I think I may have been triggered.

When I was becoming upset with the hold up, he was so calm and cool but condescending...he acted as if I'm being dramatic and started talking to me like I was a child and then put me on hold.

My ex did that. He would step on me to the point that it provoked anger in me and then when I would get upset, he would talk to me like that. He would sit there so calm and cool with this sick grin on his face. When I was done yelling, he would make his eyes bug out at me and say things like wow, there is no need to get all bent out of shape....but with a "you're the crazy one" expression on his face.

He would act like he had NO idea why I was so upset over something so "small" even though he was the one who pushed me to my limit. After this happening for so long, I started believing him, questioning myself and losing my perception. That's when I started getting physically ill.

Okay. I think I found my trigger.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

So maybe my hubby making shopping about him was just the tip of the ice berg. Maybe that wouldn't have bothered me so much had the trigger not been activated prior?