Relationship Why Won't My Boyfriend Open Up To Me?

[Kristina25]

He won't open up to me about anything that happened to him in the military. I don't know why. He has PTSD and he will never open up to me about anything.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Because to think or talk about what happened would make it real again for him. Because it may take him to a place where he sees, feels, smells, hears every part of that experience again - and he doesn't want to. Because he might not want want you to judge him as he judges himself for what happened. Because he understands that civilians can't understand what goes on in war unless they've been there. Because he doesn't want to take you into his nightmare. Because he's a man, and men are less likely to talk about emotional stuff than women are anyway (whether they have PTSD or not).

Those are just some reasons off the top of my head. But sometimes I think it's not our place to question why people don't want to talk to us, but just to accept and respect that choice. Honestly, I think it would be more unusual for a military man to open up easily to their partner about what's happened.

If he isn't in therapy and you feel he needs to talk, then perhaps it is ok to say that you feel he needs to talk to someone who understands.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you mainly bothered that he won't open up to you about what happened to him in the military, or that he doesn't open up in general about anything?

 

[kahlan]

Meadow makes a very good point. I'm fine with my N. not wanting to.talk about what happened there and what he did. Its partially that it takes him back to a very bad place that he has a hard enough time escaping in his mind, partially he doesn't want that in my head, and quite honestly I know I couldn't possibly fully understand or be able to handle it. Finally its also due to respecting his boundaries.

The same goes for me sharing too much of what's happened to me as well. Let him open up as much as he will about it and don't push for everything. Not respecting boundaries is a horrible way to build trust which is the most important part of a relationship.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You may not want to know about those things honestly. My vet has told me things that have made me queasy, and that is only what I can imagine of them in my mind's eye, with no real clue of how things really were over there. Even with all that, he says that he has some "really bad" things he will never tell me, just because he doesn't want me to have to think about how heinous they were.

He may be trying to protect you from these thoughts and images. Besides the triggering and stress it may be causing him to recall this stuff, he may not want you exposed to it at all. I don't know about all vets, but mine is very protective and hyper-vigilant with his loved ones.

 

[MissMacD]

It's relatively normal for suffers of PTSD to not want to open up to their partners about their experiences. Prying can cause triggering which is why some people refuse to talk about their trauma. It's nothing personal that he doesn't want to talk to you, and often these things are better dealt with by a trauma therapist. Once he is ready let him come to you and talk about it.

 

[Still waiting]

Everyone is different and some can't talk about it. You have to realize at times you are literally in your mind RELIVING the situation. It takes time, patience, and lots of love! Get books, read them, support him, read this site, understand that he is coping the best he can even if he throws his hands up in the air.

 

[Justmehere]

Prying and pressure to talk feels so invading to me... I tend to put up ALL my defenses if anyone pressures or pushes me to talk. It feels like someone is trying to push inside of my boundaries and that in and of itself feels dangerous. Plus the material can be triggering. Even my therapist won't let me talk about it all very quickly with her because it could be destabilizing.

 

[Sandi79]

I have never asked my boyfriend what he did in Iraq. He has shared a little bit (not what he did military wise but on his off time). It's not my business. Veterans rarely enjoy being asked what they did over there. Some can't even remember what they did. It is always best to assume that whatever it is, you don't need to know.

 

[Chris516]

He won't open up to me about anything that happened to him in the military. I don't know why. He has PTSD and he will never open up to me about anything.

Kristina, I have known my online friend for ten years. She told me a long time ago that she had PTSD. I have never asked her about the cause. Not because I didn't care(which I do). But because, I don't care what the cause was, while do care about her being able to reach beyond the pain. BUT, at her pace, not mine.

If she wants to tell me about it, that is fine. If she doesn't want to tell me about it, that is fine, too.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

He might not be able to open up about it even to himself. Part of PTSD is avoidance. He might feel like it's too hard for him to face.

 

[Still waiting]

Yes also with PTSD you can have repressed memories and a person can never regain those memories. It's stinking complicated!!!!