General Wife Diagnosed With PTSD

[IslandGuy62]

Hello, my name is Bret and I live in Washington State. My wife was diagnosed last week with PTSD after several weeks of irratic behavior, binge drinking (she's an alcoholic) and more that I just am not ready to share. I am 46 years old, my wife is 45 and we have been together nearly five years, married for 3 1/2. Both of us are working professionals and we live alone. Her kids are grown and mine are teenages that live with their mom in Oregon. To be honest, I am trying to "get" what is happening to her as she has rejected me sexually and initially wasn't sure if she wanted to stay married. As far as I know there has been no sexual trauma in her life, but other childhood events appear to be the trigger. Both of us have been through mental anguish the last few weeks. I love this woman and have no plans to leave her. She is taking proactive steps by seeing a counselor that specializes in PTSD and is entering outpatient alcohol treatment this week. She went through rehab 4-1/2 years ago when I intervened and was sober until last November. She has made all of her counseling appointments so far and I am proud that she is making the positive efforts and encourage along. Also she has been sober for over a week. She is REALLY trying.

I am deathly scared of this whole situation and have spent more time crying than I ever have in my entire life, just trying to understand where the woman I married went and what if anything I can do to do to get her back.

I am quickly learning that she needs lots of space and time away from me and I am doing what I can to let her have that...but I worry that she may end up in some kind of trouble and get hurt. So far she is good at sending me text messages that let me know she is ok. And I am doing everything I can not to bother her during her day and if she goes out in the evening.

I have read just a few posts so far but am planning on immersing myself even deeper with into this. I am seeing a counselor myself and am doing what I can to take care of myself. She wants to take care of this and for that I am overjoyed. I feel like we have begun a journey of 100,000 miles and we have only gone 6.

And that is my story....

 

[Lucy Loo]

Welcome. I'm a carer also. It sounds like you and your wife are taking some good initial steps to get her some help.

Read as much as you can here, it will really help you understand. Before I came here, I had read lots on PTSD, but I don't think I really "got" it until I started reading the firsthand accounts here of the symptoms associated with PTSD.

Good luck, this could be a really rocky road ahead for you. Glad to see that you are also seeing a counselor - do what you need to do to keep yourself stable along the way.

 

[IslandGuy62]

It's tough as my wife had been my constant companion for the last five years and has nearly shut me out. Her counselor has appeared to have found the trigger and they are working on it. My wife tells me she wants to stay married to me and I am optimistic...but my anxiety can often get the best of me. Hard learned lesson this week was NOT to share my anxieties with her. It is like living with an entirely different person. I can only hope and pray her counselor can help put some pieces back together...I LOVE MY WIFE and want to see her happy again.

 

[IslandGuy62]

Unacceptable Behavior

I am at a loss as to what to do when my sufferer is doing something that I consider unacceptable behavior. I don't want to go into details on it. But bottom line is that I am giving her all the space she wants, but one activity she is engaging in is very unacceptable to me and in my eyes puts our marriage at risk. Do I let her continue? Do I let her know? How should I do it? What should I do if she refuses to stop? We had a bit of a blowout about it last night...are regrettably I picked the fight....I know better, but my own anxiety got the best of me.

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum IslandGuy62.

I am a little short of time this evening so I will just answer your last question....if your wife is crossing a boundary you have to let her know. I would recommend being honest, as polite as possible but straight to the point and then leave her to think about it.

Good luck....you definitely sound like you are on the right track.

 

[IslandGuy62]

Thanks

I appreciate the feedback. This is so hard to adjust to.....

 

[pebbels]

Hi IslandGuy, I so feel for you, firstly there is no getting your wife back, you will see glimpses of her every now and then, when my ex was diagnosed with ptsd i grieved for the person that i had met 5months earlier because he was no longer that person, struggling daily to come to terms with the syptoms and pain of ptsd, and it all takes time. I put him first over my own needs and that was my mistake, sufferers need to deal with this themselves along with a therapist, you should be involved at some point but more importantly as sugested to my ex partner and i at the onset of his journey, a relationship counsiler was recommended, we didn't do that and we should have, i know on hind sight that this would have helped immensly because as much as the ptsd is your wife's condition it reflects on to you as well so it both yours at the end of the day. Please remember to look after you also and sounds like your on the right track. As much as her needs deserve respect so do your needs. All the best.

 

[Shoka]

Hi IslandGuy,

I too struggle with the very issue you have raised regarding unacceptabel behavior and boundaries. I agree whole heartedly with Nicolette. If your wife's behavior is really crossing your boundary, then you're better off commuicating that to her sooner than later. I've made the mistake of not speaking up and have ended up with RESENTMENT that is hard to break down.

It's hard to know when the most ideal times are to have the boundary conversation with someone who suffers from PTSD. Sometimes there are no perfect times, but I think the way the limitation is communicated to the person is more important than the timing.

Like I said, I've had situations where I've failed to assert my boundary and ended up with resentment and still had to assert the boundary. Of course by then it's hard to communicate the boundary in a polite, meaningful way. I for one have to remind myself daily these days that I am responsible for taking care of myself, knowing my limiations in the relationship, and how I communicate all of that.

My thoughts are with you,
Shoka

 

[ptsdhubby]

I am the trigger for my wife

Hi all. This is my first post to this forum. I've been searching through the posts and found this one to be the closest to my case.

My complicating issue is that I am the trigger for my wife's ptsd. About 5 years ago, she told me that I forced myself on her sexually during the night. I have no recollection of the event. I had about 5 drinks that night, so I can't discount her claim. She had been abused by a family member when she was growing up and had never sought help for that, so we think this added to the problem. At that time, we both saw a counselor and got back on track for about 3 years. We were best friends again and were back to a great marriage.

In the past 8 months, she started having nightmares of the event again. The trigger was me drinking a little bit again - we were actually drinking socially together. We didn't drink to excess, but she thought she saw a pattern again and she started having the nightmares. She didn't want to go to a professional counselor and sought books and friends for advice. She again asked me to move out. She got better in the past month and was again initiating intimacy, then bam....another trigger. This time she thinks we need to go our separate ways, but she stopped herself and asked if we could take 2 weeks to seek professional counseling - then get together and talk again.

I'm at a loss. I know this is a complex thing that can't be solved overnight and without professional help. I fear that in a week she's going to tell me after two counseling visits that we're done. I don't want that to happen, as we both realize that we love each other very much. Am I fighting for something that's hopeless?? I don't want to give up on her...I see this as a problem that someone very dear to me has and want to be there to support her.